Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r- S e v e n t y - T w o

                                                                     PART SEVENTY TWO

                                                                    ❝You came true.❞

(picture of what I think Evie looks like now)

I sat there. For the third time, staring at the two pale pink lines. I sighed, it wasn't the same fear I'd had with Evie, or the instant knowing with what-would-have-been Leo's baby. I sighed, I set the test back on the counter. In the other room, I heard my daughter crying. It was then I realized, I wasn't feeling anything. Other than maybe numb, there was no joy in knowing I was pregnant again. Even less so, because shit we didn't have the money for an abortion this time. I scooped Evie into my arms, kissing her on the forehead. In another month, she would be an entire year old. Her hair, now a light caramel color was getting longer, and her beautiful blue eyes. I bounced her against my hip, as I set her down in the high chair, I watched her watch me cut up strawberries and bananas. I set the fruit down on her tray table, stealing a few for myself.

I fumbled for the tv remote, hoping for a shower I turned on the cable, Elmo was on. I wasn't sure what  she liked anymore, for a bit I'd allowed her to watch the bullshit nonsense of cocomelon so I could sit on the porch and smoke a joint. Setting her in the baby swing she'd grown to hate I found myself standing in the shower, the hot water flowing off my body. I looked down at my legs, the gap between my thighs more obvious now, I also placed a hand on my stomach. Scientifically, of course it was too damn early to know or feel anything shit I wasn't even showing yet, but I swore again that I felt the farmiliar flutter, that made me feel worth something. Like my whole purpose was to have given my daughter, and this baby one.

After twenty minutes in the shower I came to a decision, I would not tell Jack about this pregnancy, I wasn't even sure if it would go according to plan. When I'd stepped on the scale, naked and covered in track marks I'd weighed all of ninety pounds, in the photos I took my skin paled, and my cheekbones sunk into my face. I was what one would call, a major fuck-up. Instinctivley, I reached for the needle as soon as my feet hit the cold tile floor. The farmiliar sting on my arm reminded me why, I was still here. I stumbled back, allowing my body to lay for a moment against the wall. I fumbled for the pregnancy test, sliding it into a drawer where I knew Jack wouldn't bother too look.

When I arrived in the kitchen, there he stood with my wet hair clinging to my t shirt and my underwear almost falling off of my waist. He still smiled at me, I looked at our daughter in his arms curled into his chest like he was the safest place in the world. I felt that way too, sometimes. 

"How's my girl?" He asked, taking my hand in his. I smiled, he'd said that when we were still so young before everything was smashed to bits.

"Good, how's my boy?" It was cringe to say, but it reminded me how young I still felt. Sitting down next to him I shook my hair out. He ran his hand along my thigh and looked at my face, I wondered how horrible I looked to him, if the beauty I'd once had was now long gone. He drew his finger, over the fresh mark on my arm raising an eyebrow. I leaned against his shoulder, allowing my eyes to flicker shut. Just as he had wrapped his arm around our daughter he wrapped his arm around me pulling me closer to him. Again, even though impossible, I felt the same flutter in my stomach I'd felt the year before. Like whoever this was, was brought to life when I was.

As sleep overcame me, I dreamt of sand beaches and waterfalls, Jack and I with our feet in the sand, posting those cringe photos of seashells on instagram and holding hands as the waves overcame us. I dreamt of our daughter, talking of her parents like they were the moon and the stars in her eyes, of my other child looking down at me from heaven, telling me they understood why i did what I did. I had the faintest flicker of getting clean, sitting in meetings and detoxing with Jack by my side, of getting thirty days sober and telling my parents, of their not one, but two grandchildren and that their daughter was married and in love. Was I in love? Would Jack and I love each other if not for the drugs? I sat up then, when Evie started crying. Jack's face was curled into a frown.

"I think she had a nightmare." He said, rocking her back and forth. She wormed out of his arms crawling onto my lap. I smiled, as she looked at me.Her face settling, when I took her in my arms.

"I'm right her baby, it's me mama sweetheart." I said in a sickingly sweet tone even to my own ears.  Then, in such a curious tone I could've sworn she was asking me if it was true she said:

"Mama?" 

Jack raised his eyebrows. I sat upright, with all the coaxing and telling her who I was, the word felt strange to my own ears, her soft little voice telling me who I was made me feel stone cold sober. I reached out my hand to hers, again:

"Mama. Mama." 

I laughed, my entire body understanding why those first words were so important to parents, hearing my child say the name I've been waiting to be called since I was still a child broke me, and somehow put me back together. Jack's face was full on smiling now as his eyes met mine.

"Well shit." He said sinking back against the couch, now she really did know who I was. I was the one she wanted after a bad dream, I was the one who's face she knew out of everyone elses. I was her mama, and some other babies too.