Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r S e v e n t y - T h r e e

                                                                   PART SEVENTY THREE

                                          ❝and suddenly, all the songs were about you.❞

                                                                           (a month later)

I wondered if, a year ago today I would've known the little girl I'd given birth too, would be walking on her own, saying mama, and learning the milestones I thought I was top dumb, or careless to teach her. 

"Happy birthday sweetheart." I whispered, picking her up from her crib. It was only six am, and I watched Jack roll over onto his side, to face me. I laid Evie down, on the changing station, the one I'd bought two weeks ago from goodwill, made of simple fabric and with only two boxes of diapers left. I grimaced, picking her up again I noticed the weight change. Jack was sitting up, propped on his elbows. It was then, watching my husband watch me watch our daughter, I felt like throwing up. I gave Evie to Jack, where she reached for me again. 

Slamming the bathroom door, I bent my head over the toilet. The familiar feeling that filled me was not pleasant. The bathroom door opened, where Jack stood with Evie squirming in his arms. 

"Mama, mama mama." She cooed reaching for me. I pushed myself up against the toliet. Jack gave me a strange look.

"You good?" He asked, in the voice that meant he was trying to care and seriously didn't. I nodded, wiping my mouth with my sleeve. I wondered if I would be feeling like this every single morning. 

"Yeah, I just don't feel like myself." I said, lying through my teeth. Jack shrugged, and then the turned to me as an afterthought. 

"Your phone said you have work today." He said, and I groaned. Not only did I feel like shit, but it was my firstborn daughter's birthday and I wanted to at least say i was with her today, if somehow I ended up not at her next birthdays.  I nodded standing up and taking her from Jack's arms. I glanced at myself in the mirror, my black tank top clinging to me, along with the small pink shorts that I'd pulled into an impossible naught, my hair was too long and Evie had started pulling on it more.  Jack pulled out his phone, wrapping an arm around me. I leaned my head against his shoulder. He snapped the photo, and I took his phone.  

I looked tired, the scabs on my face were noticeably more prominent, my acne was coming back and I could cook fries with the amount of grease in my hair. I sighed. Sending it to myself, and as basically as I could I made the post on instagram Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter, your the best thing I've ever done. I clicked send and handed him his phone back. He rolled his eyes, 

I handed my not-so-little girl back to him. Sliding into my shoes, I kissed her on the forehead grabbing my phone from the counter. I felt like I was living in a simulation, wake up, shoot up, go to work, sometimes make some easy money off of my decaying body, come home see my daughter and go to bed. There was no joy anymore in anything, not even drugs. 

As I walked out the door into the cold air I cringed. The walk to Red's was short, and as I walked into the bar I saw Leonard and Terra, our newest bartender. The only one on staff who wasn't a whore, a druggie, or a pimp. I grinned at Leonard as I clocked in.

"You look like shit." He said, as a greeting. I'd grown used to that, at least people who looked worse than me couldn't judge me. Terra smiled, her teeth all intact and her skin glowed. I elbowed Leonard hard in the side, he gave me a: what the serious fuck look. 

"You get any of that?" I asked, gesturing to Terra and he shook his head.

"Jay said the same thing when you started working here." He said laughing, Jay was the one who I'd replaced, she'd been a meth addict, teeth rotted out and her whole body covered in scars and scabs. Leonard handed me his flask, the cold metal hitting my hand I sucked in air. I drank the pregnancy with Evie, and I still carried to term. Maybe I'd get so lucky this time. I took a long swig and Leonard glared at me.

"Theres like five shots in there chill." He said, as I swallowed the burning liquid. And promptly, threw up again. I retched twice and Leonard half glared and half sized me up.

"Fuck's with you?" He asked, taking the flask back from me. I grabbed a rag. It was normal, for people to throw up in a bar, just not the bartenders.

"Baby." I muttered, tossing a piece of ice into my mouth. 

"What does Evie have to do with you throwing up after one swig of vodka?" He asked, polishing a glass. I felt a twinge of pain, my daughter who was one years old today and I was throwing up on a bar floor that my shoes stuck too.

"Not Evie." I said absent mindedly. 

"Who's baby?" 

I grimaced.

"I'm pregnant, and I don't know who's it is." I said sighing. Reaching for the flask again, I thought better.

"And it's my daughter's birthday and I"m here and I feel like shit and I really need, I need a distraction." I said turning to face him. He shrugged, taking my hand in his.

"I mean shit I can give you a distraction." He said and I followed him to the bathroom. He smirked, pulling off my shorts, which were still sticking to my thighs. I leaned against the counter, as he slid his fingers in and out of me I closed my eyes, falling into the feeling.