PART EIGHTY ONE
It was a Tuesday, early morning. As I laid in the hospital bed, with sweat dripping down my face, I screamed and clenched the sheets in my fist. I cursed Jack, and Leonard, I cursed myself. For six endless hours, every minute it felt like something was stabbing me from the inside. A nurse wiped my forehead with a cold wet rag, and placed a pillow behind my head. I felt tears stinging in my eyes. I was drained, I was exhausted.
"It's time to start pushing Kaitlyn." The doctor said, kneeling between my legs.
"I can't." I snapped, as another contraction hit me and I screamed again. One of the nurses took my hand in hers. I started pushing, now it felt like fire was coursing through my uterus.
"Again." The doctor said. I did as she said.
"One more Kaitlyn, you can do it." I couldn't, I could not do it. I closed my eyes, and pushed for the last time. I screamed so loud Jack could've heard me from prison. I knew, at almost an instant. That something was wrong. I heard no crying. I heard the doctors and nurses all clamoring for something. I opened my eyes.
"She's not breathing. There's no pulse." I heard a nurse saying to the doctor.
"My baby." I choked out.
"Time of death?" One of the nurses asked. I sucked in air.
"6:04 am." The doctor said. I watched, as if from a trance, as the doctor brought me my baby. She was wrapped in a blanket, and as I took her from the doctor. The room was earily silent. As I looked at my daughter, she was so beautiful, so still. I didn't do anything. I didn't move.
"You can have as much time with her as you want." A redheaded nurse said.
"She's so beautiful." I said. The nurse nodded.
"She is."
----------------------------------------------------
For the entire rest of the day, I lay in the hospital bed, saying nothing to the nurses who came in to check my vitals. I'd held my stillborn child in my arms for five minutes until I couldn't bear it anymore. They had asked me for a name, and the only name that flickered into my head was Summer. Summer Lily Thomas. As I gave her back to the doctor, I realized that would be the last time I would see my child. When they released me from the hospital, I pulled my jacket tight around my body. It was cold, and thunder boomed in the sky. Near the hospital, I remembered was Alex's house. In my mind, there was not the reminder of my sobriety. Only the reminder of what I'd done wrong. Somewhere along the way, I had done something and my baby had died because of it. As I walked the six blocks to Alex's, I didn't hear the music, and there were hardly any lights on. It was late, and I debated even knocking. But I rang the doorbell. Two minutes later, a thin man with scragly hair came to the door.
"Is uh, is Alex here?" I asked, the guy turned to the hallway behind him.
"ALEX??" He yelled at the top of his lungs. A door slammed, and in the doorway appeared Alex.
"Kaitlyn, jesus fuck what are you doin here?" He asked rubbing his eyes. He was shirtless, wearing only boxers. I did my best to keep my eyes on his.
"Just, needed a place to crash." I said softly. He shrugged and opened the door more so I could come in. As I passed the other man, I felt his eyes on me. A chill went down my spine. Alex flicked on one of the lights in the living room, and I watched the scragly guy climb the stairs. Alex leaned into one of the chairs.
"Hows it going, haven't seen you in a while." Alex said, reaching for a beer on the table next to him. He offered it to me, and I took a swig.
"Its good, how about you?" I asked, remembering the last time I saw him he had been on top of me.
"Been good, heard that Jack was in jail sucks man, heard you had a baby."
"I did, she's almost three, and uh couple hours ago had another one." I sighed. Alex raised an eyebrow.
"Where is it?" He asked.
"She died." I said, looking at the wall behind him.
"Shit man, I'm sorry, you can stay here for however you want." He said gesturing at the couch. I watched him stand up.
"Beer in the fridge if you want." He added, dissapearing up the stairs. I finished the beer, and found myself sitting on the kitchen floor with two more. Two hours later, I pressed my face to the cold tile of the kitchen floor. I'd been alseep for maybe twenty minutes when a light turned on. I pushed myself onto my knees. I saw the same guy who'd answered the door, standing in the doorway.
"Shit, sorry I woke you." He said, and I shook my head.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Jayden." He said, opening the fridge to grab the last two beers. I'd drank maybe five. He raised an eyebrow, and sank to the floor next to me. He wore an oversized t shirt that hung off his gangly frame, and grey sweatpants that were to big for him.
"I'm Kaitlyn." I said, and he nodded.
"Your drunk." He laughed. I nodded and sighed.
"Yeah."
"Shit man Alex said your baby died, you want something to take your mind off it?" He asked, and I nodded. From his pocket, he pulled a package wrapped in tin foil. I sucked in air.
"Speed?" I asked. He nodded.
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