Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r F o r t y- S e v e n

                                                                   PART FORTY SEVEN

                                               ❝Oh take me back to the night we met.❞

I did not go back home. I stayed with Leo. Because I had no clue what I would open the door too. If I would open it too the man I loved, or the man who'd broken my nose. I felt myself clinging so strongly to Leo. In the way I hated to cling to people. For the longest time, I had promised myself I would not cling to people, the fact that I thought I could do everything by myself. In reality though, I could not do anything by myself and for once truly, when I wanted people to be there for me I had no body. There was no one there to hold me while I cried, no one to give me baths when I was too depressed to get out of bed.

I held my daughter in my arms as I nursed her. It was still a weird experience, especially with her biting me now. I looked at her, her beautiful bright blue eyes. The eyes I'd loved for almost a year now. But now they were the eyes that I felt farthest away from. I exhaled a sigh of relief, or maybe it was sadness.

I had not been sleeping well. I had spent most of my days curled up on the couch with my daughter in my arms. I was afraid to put her down, afraid to let her out of my sight. Leo had work, I had pretty much stopped showing up after Evie was born, as there was nothing there for me anymore. It was no longer a get away, because there wasn't a getaway when it came to things like this. There was only reality, the reality that I was married and I could not just walk away from everyone. Because I had a child. Who was too young to understand who I actually was, the fact that I was a confused kid, who got married, gave birth to a child. flunked out of high school.  There was not one thing, in my entire fucked up life that I had done right.

I took a swig of beer, this was my fourth. I was becoming Jack. I wondered if in the future, Evie would come home from school to two drunk excuses of parents, yelling at her her father hurting her or her mother telling her she was worthless. My childhood was actually half decent. My life, had been nothing like Jack's I had made it that way. I had done the drugs, I had gotten myself kicked out. It was time for me to take some fucking responsibility. 

Maybe, it was not other people who had ruined my life. Maybe, plain and simple it was me. Granted some things I did not deserve such as being sexually abused as a child. But it had not been by anyone I loved, it had not been my family. Maybe since I was taking responsibility maybe that was my fault as well. Because truthfully, I was the villain in my own story. Because I was.

"You okay?" Leo asked coming into the living room raising his eyebrows at the beer bottles. He lifted Evie off my chest. She cooed at him and I smiled

"She's so pretty Katie. You did good making her." He said smiling and coming to sit next to me. I grinned.

"She's the one thing in this world I actually did right." I said. Leo shook his head.

"Your a better person than you give yourself credit for." He said sighing. I shook my head.

"Name one thing other than keeping this child alive I can do correctly." Leo rolled his eyes.

"Girls are dramatic." He said handing Evie to me as she started squirming in his arms. 

He was correct, in the back of my head I knew I was doing okay. But suddenly everything people had said to me in the past came back to me It hit me like a fucking subway train. My own sister had abandoned me, but maybe rightfully so. I wasn't exactly sure if I was the bad guy in that situation. My parents, who'd done everything in there power to save me from myself and I had just told them to fuck off. Now, I'd gotten everything I wanted. But to me,  it felt like a nightmare. I was independent, but I didn't know being independent meant being all alone.

"You should go home Kaitlyn." Leo said not meeting my eyes. I supposed I understood where he was coming from, it was one thing to live with a teen girl and another to live with a teen girl and her infant daughter. I nodded.

"Where am I going to go?" I asked the celling, Leo gave me a reproachful look.

"Home, to your husband. How do you think he feels he hasn't seen his wife and daughter in days. He probably feels bad." He said.  I glared at him. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I can't keep being your fall guy, the guy who holds you in his arms while you cry, the guy who you have sex with when you feel like shit, I don't want to be that guy. I love you, but I can't put myself through this." He said still not looking at me. I will admit, that hurt like hell. I knew I was hurting him, but it was because I was hurting too.

"I'm sorry Leo. But I just, your the only person I trust nowadays." I whispered. A look of sadness shined in his eyes. Maybe as though, the tears that fell down his face were for me and not him self. 

"Come back to me if you ever wanna fall in love again." He said.