❝And she did the drugs for fun
But now she does them just to stay up❞
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I'm a half smoked cigarettes girl, a tiny tops and eye glitter girl, a quick and cheap girl. The female version of a playboy. Sexy, sweet, sour, anyth...
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I went back to work. I went back to school too. I began to only see Jack and Evie at night. I left Evie with a babysitter, or Jack on most days. I do not know what had changed in me. I do not know how I shut off my love for all of them. Somehow I did. I had also, been doing meth. It wasn't Jack's. Katiana was getting it for me. Every day, I smoked it. In the morning, two hours after and two hours after that. It had been four months, since I'd dropped my child. I was not there. I had thrown myself into school, and work. I cannot describe the switch I made. I stopped trying to be a mother. I did not get up with her during the night.. I slept on the couch. I did not much speak to Jack. I did not much speak to anyone. I stopped writing to Summer, because somehow I still blamed her for all this shit. Evie's clothes were still there in the bag at the back of her closet. I would not run, I had nothing to run too.
I realized this when I realized I failed my child. I abandoned her, I hardly ever held her. I did not associate with her much. When I went on walks, she stayed behind. I co existed with my own child. But she did not feel like my child, she felt like somebody I don't even know's child. She was not my daughter. Because I was not a mother, I was a kid who'd wanted to be something she was not.
I was a lot of things, I was abusive, I was manipulative. I was a whore. Jack had been right when he said that. Even so many months ago it still hurt. I was standing on the ledge of the tallest building in Aspen. I looked down at the concrete below. I let the waves of the past year wash over me. The birth of my only child, the death of the girl I used to know. And suddenly, I know what I have to do. I jump. During the two second fall I realize, I have made a grave mistake. The last mistake in a long line of mistakes. I know my body will hit the ground and I will die. My mouth forms the words of
