Despair's Insanity - an II x DR fic

VU - 4

Baseball.

I couldn't get him out of my fucking head... I couldn't stop talking about him. Why? Why was I so obsessed with one man when he hardly played a role in anything?

When I had come back to, I found myself on my hands and knees, in my own room again, just like after I'd been sent to calm down after his death.

Was it because I loved him? Had the one I'd been wanting to stay with all this time been HIM? I wasn't sure, but it felt like that wasn't the case. I knew that wasn't it.

But then why else would I care so much? I didn't understand...

The longer I thought about it, the worse I felt, and the more I started to choke up and sob into the carpet beneath me. Maybe I missed him so much because he reminded me of the impact I had in this stupid game.

I tried so hard to save lives, to be the savior everyone thought I would've been, and I'd failed. I'd failed nine separate times. But I almost didn't fail with him. I had been so close...

If I had just not come to see him, he would still be here. I probably would've died instead.

If only.

The fuzz in my mind wasn't the weird, glitching sensation anymore, but that familiar, crushing emptiness. Why were they doing this to me? Was I their favorite thing to play with?

The fuzz got interrupted by the door opening. I could tell by the shadow that it was Blueberry, but I didn't look up. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Lifering..." He sighed. "I- I'm sorry to bother you, but it's been all day and Apple and I didn't even see you..."

"You guys don't need me," I mumbled bitterly, "nobody does."

"Come on... what- what happened? You were doing so well. Today you just- shut down again." Blueberry approached me, crouching to my level. "Did Fan do something?"

"I don't know what's going on. I've- I've been seeing these horrible dreams...about... the murders and- and- and I don't know what I'm supposed to think. If I was just faster and smarter- and-"

"And if you were god." He huffed as he reached out for me. Once I grabbed his hand, he pulled me back up. "You can't control everyone's safety. You're not some- weird all-powerful thingy. Why do you keep telling yourself that you're on a higher standard than us? You're not a doctor, right?"

"No- but-"

"But nothing... did you get anything to eat today?"

I paused, before groaning. "I'm not a baby, Blueberry... but- no. I- I haven't been conscious most of today. If I can stay awake, I'll go get something."

"Don't worry about it, I'll get you something and come back up. What would you like?"

It's been a few days of nothing but applesauce. I could probably have a little snack of some sort at this point.

"Uhm... could you get those really crumbly granola bars? If they even have them?"

Blueberry scoffed. "You don't want pudding?" He chuckled weakly, but it faded when I just stared at him. "T-Too soon?"

"A little. Just- get the granola please."

"...sorry." Blueberry didn't say anything else, and left to go get my food. In the meantime, I got up to look around the hallway, maybe find Apple, but I stopped quickly as soon as I heard someone else choking up and talking. At first, I thought to go back to my room, but the voices sounded distressed, and once I realized who the people speaking were, I couldn't help but listen.

"I'm- I- I didn't think... he said you had more time. How did this even happen?"

"I thought I had more time, too. But it's gonna be ok, I promise."

"How? How the hell am I gonna be ok? You're my everything... I'm nothing without you."

"That's not true. Trophy- you're the sassy photographer, right? You have anger issues, you're passionate, you'll do anything for people you like... I could..." a coughing fit ensued, but this time it sounded more watery than usual, along with violent hacking and spitting. "I could go on."

"It's just- it's so hard to see you like this. I don't know what to do. I- I just want-"

"I know. But the timer says I only have another thirty seconds."

They both paused for a while, letting the tension speak before there was one last remark.

"I'll see you later, ok?"

"No- wait- I'm not ready... please- please don't- I love you so much..."

A small alarm started to beep.

"Tissues, it's- you're still here, right?...
A-Answer me... please say something- ANYTHING. I- I'm not- what do I do? How do I keep- they don't even know me like you do. H-Honey... I can't- I can't..."

The alarm then clicked, and stopped.

Everything went quiet again, other than faint sobbing. I wanted to doubt that what had just happened wasn't exactly what I thought it was. I knew what just happened. I took a few steps down the hall to an open door, and when I looked inside, I saw Trophy sat on a bed next to Tissues', and Tissues' bed had a blanket-covered lump, completely covering his body and face.

We all knew it would happen. He deserved it to some extent, but to see Trophy there, by himself for once, it felt so wrong. Trophy's a jerk, sure, but did he really deserve that sort of pain? I don't think anybody will ever deserve to watch someone slowly die.

Well- maybe there's exceptions, but I'm not going to get into that. I snuck back and went back into my room, but saw Blueberry already at the door.

"What were you doing?" He asked as he led me back inside. "Was I gone for too long?"

"No." We sat down at the foot of my bed and he handed me the granola bar. As I started to eat, I said "I think he just died."

"Who?" I said nothing. "Oh- right...well, that's the punishment, I guess. It could've been a lot worse."

"But he got to fully suffer, most people didn't have enough time to even process what the hell was going on, y'know?"

"I guess...you gonna be ok?" I nodded as I ate. "I'm sorry. You know I'm not good at being fond of people." He soon laid on his back, trying to avoid the discussion I'd brought to the table. "The motive... who do you think is your biggest problem?"

"Honestly, I think it's just a trick- like the answer is 'you're your own worst enemy' or some stupid sh...stuff."

Blueberry and I looked at each other, and Blueberry awkwardly looked away with an amused look on his face. I don't usually swear. I try not to- we know that. I don't think Blueberry had ever actually heard me swear before though.

"I mean," I started up again, "I wouldn't try it. I don't think you would either."

"I wouldn't. Not interested. Apple and I ran into Bomb earlier today though... he looked terrible. He was making some breakfast for himself and when I asked if he was ok, he just said he was fantastic and asked us to leave him alone."

"...Yeah. That's not great."

"I think he's manic."

"M-Manic??" That was definitely not a good sign. I wanted to go check on him, but at the same time he didn't seem stable enough. I wasn't sure if I was really going to be safe around somebody like him, especially if the two of us were alone. I just sighed. "Well, I'm glad you're not manic."

"Me too man."

The rest of that night was a blur, but I doubt it was very interesting. I probably just finished my bar and slept, but I didn't have any memories to relive. Thank god for that.