Breaking Free | Natasha x OC

Chapter Fourty-Two

"Believe me when I say I will always be there."
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Natara let out a heavy breath as she gently sat down, Alessia squeezing her shoulder before grabbing them both something to drink from the fridge.

"These aren't funny?" Tara asked as she took the can handed to her, looking it over skeptically and searching for an expiration date.
The Italian gave her a look.

"No. Like I said... I come often. Might as well make use of the electricity I'm paying for."

Natara looked her over. Alessia looked tired in this lighting, like just being here stripped her of her usual facade and allowed the real her to show.
The redhead stored the information away - Alessia was still paying for the electricity in this house. A ghost house, maybe, but still a running one.

"So, how'd your last bust go?" Alessia asked, sitting across from Natara. She then frowned. "And how's this whole thing working? The months of travel and little contact. With the wife at home and all that." She held up her hands quickly. "If you don't mind me asking."

Natara sighed, fiddling with her drink and allowing all the weight to come off of her body. "To answer your first question... it was fine." She took a breath. "Sometimes, I think it gets easier. To see it and look at how it affects these kids... before I hand them over to Lilah's people. But it doesn't, not really. All of it just... well it just reminds me. Of how that used to be me." She glanced up then, making cautious eye contact with the dark haired woman across from her.

Natara had never outright told Alessia what she'd been through, but they all sort of knew that the Italian was vaguely aware.
However, Ales just listened intently, full attention on the redhead as she spoke. Her brown eyes were soft and attentive, letting the Avenger know she was paying attention to whatever it was she needed to get off her chest.

"As for the wife part..." Natara sighed again, dragging a hand over her face and physically deflating further. "It's hard. On her and me. More her, I think. I mean, it makes sense. I'm the one who's always leaving. I think... I think that the further away I get, the easier it is to ignore the guilt. Like out of sight, out of mind. I suppose I  don't let myself truly think about it."

Alessia nodded softly. "Is she supportive of it? The work you're doing?"

"She is," Natara agreed quickly. "The work, yes. She'd never ask me not to... sort of. I know she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did... Natasha's like that," She told her. "But I know a large part of her would rather have me at home."

"And you're okay with that knowledge?" Alessia asked carefully.

Natara didn't meet her eyes, feeling that familiar guilt that she'd been ignoring. "No. Of course not." Her eyes were burning again, and so she only made eye contact for a moment before looking away. "But... I can't stop. I can't go back. It makes me feel like I can't breathe - when I'm back there. Like I'm living a false memory of the life I used to lead, while pretending nothing's changed."

Natara was getting worked up now, finally saying the things she'd been holding on to. "I- I was suffocating, Alessia. It was killing me. I had a life there. A good one. People I loved. And then it was taken from me." Her voice shook.
"I was walking around a house filled with ghosts and having to pretend I was still living."

Natara wiped her eyes hastily, taking a drink and swallowing. She got herself under control.
"I love Natasha," She breathed. "So much it's unimaginable... but I can't be there. I can't see her and pretend I'm okay. That we're okay. This is the only thing that keeps me going. Seriously. And I know that makes me screwed up, but I don't know how to fix it. How to fix me."