It's Gonna Take A Little Time... A Little Time To Think Things Over...

Chapter 35: I'll Never be Good Enough For You, Will I?

BRENDA
As I hugged myself to Ken on the back of the motorcycle, I thought to myself about all the times I've seen him. He'd always been sweet, and honestly, he was lovely. Funny and kind, cute and chivalrous, Ken was quite the gentleman and one of a kind.

Now when she had kissed him that one time, it wasn't because she liked him. It was because she could tell he liked her, and seeing as Ken wasn't very popular, she was doing him a favor to boost his self esteem. But the absolute joy on his face when she had said yes to the date made her heart pang with guilt. She had cuddled with him when he was cold from the lake, kissed him at the lake and on the cheek at the party, and now she was finally feeling something.

It was a complete combination of guilt and confusion, but I was starting to think that I actually might be falling for Ken.

I burrowed my face into his shoulder as we drove down the street, feeling a pang of guilt twist in my gut like a knife. But I also felt my heart beat faster at the thought of the date and the possibility of me liking him.

We drove for a little bit until we ended up at the diner. He hopped off the bike, pulled my helmet off and took my hand as he lead me to the café. We got a booth by the window, and the waitress handed us a menu each.

He ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a Pepsi Free, and I ordered a salad and water because I didn't want to look like I ate too much. But I eventually only ate a couple lettuce leaves and Ken gave me half of his burger, some fries and a couple sips of soda without saying anything, just a knowing smirk on his face.

When the bill came, Ken immediately placed the money on the table and stood up, offering me his hand before leading me happily out of the door. We stopped by the record store where he bought a new Bon Jovi record while also subtly buying a Blondie one which he gifted to me, making me bounce up and down, plus shriek in excitement.

Finally when we were both safely on the motorcycle, Ken drove into the woody mountains, urging the electric bicycle up the hill before jolting to a stop and getting off the motorcycle and leading me in-between the trees before arriving on a beautiful grass covered Cliff with a perfect view of the ocean and the sunset.

We sat down, the golden sunlight shining on us and a light breeze sifting through the clear sky. We talked for a bit, and Ken was smiling happily.

"This spot always calms me down when I'm upset." He told me, eyes sparkling before taking a deep breath and looking away.

"Barbie, I just want to tell you I appreciate the fact you gave me a chance, even though not everyone likes or knows me like you. I just really like you. No, scratch that. I think I love you."

Ken turned his face in my direction, leaned towards me on the cliff, lips parted. I felt soft grass touching my legs and the sunset's glow was beautiful over the water. I felt my face drift up slightly and as I saw him get closer something jolted inside of me and I turned my face away. The guilt was too strong.

"I can't Ken." I mumbled eyes tearing up.
"I'm sorry." I added, blinking quickly to prevent the impending tears from sliding down my rosy cheeks. He looked like I slapped him and he looked down.

"Sorry, I should have asked. Was it too much to say I love you?" He had a look on his face as he said that, and I could tell he thought it was his fault, that he had been the one to do something wrong. But it wasn't him. It was me.

I took his hands and looked at him, the back of my throat throbbing as I tried not to cry.
"Ken, I have to tell you something." I whispered hoarsely. He looked concerned and confused, his dark eyes like molten gold from the light of the setting sun. He waited for me to speak and when I finally did, the words came cascading out of my mouth in a stream of guilt, and I felt tears drip down my cheeks.

"Ken, I'm so sorry! I led you on! But that was initially! I felt bad for you so I kissed you to make you feel better about yourself and I wanted to help become a friend of your group. But that was only at the beginning, I've realized now my heart goes a mile a minute when you're around, and I feel self conscious and flustered. You're just to sweet and I've realized recently that I do like you!"

I burst out, tears streaming in opaque lines down my face leaving shiny, salty tracks. Ken's face fell ever so slightly, and I could tell he didn't want to show he was upset. I could feel a shard of his heart break and he looked away. It was like I was something Lucy left on the stairs, and that he couldn't bear to look at me. He pulled a emerald bandana out of his pocket, and still a avoiding eye contact, he wiped my eyes and pressed it into my hand.

Ken stood up and turned away from me before speaking.
"I've got to go." His voice shook at the end and when I looked at his back, I saw him wipe his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Before he started walking off into the woods. I saw him look back at me.

Tears were in his eyes, but he smiled shakily.
"I'll never be good enough for you, will I?"
He asked, voice cracking before he walked off, hands in his pockets and leaves crunching.

I felt my heart crumble, but I deserved this.

When I opened the door to my house later, my mom was waiting hopefully to hear about the date.
"Hey Sweetie, how was the- oh Brenda!"
She saw my tear soaked face and outstretched her arms. I jolted forward and hugged her.

"Oh honey, was he mean?" She asked softly. I shook my head no and tried not to burst into tears again.
"N-no, it was me. I was in the wrong."
I whispered. She opened her mouth in confusion, presumably to ask me something but I shook my head.
"I'm going to bed."

I told her, voice cracking at the end. I dashed up the stairs, heels clunking on the stairs. I practically flew into my room and slammed the door. David was on his makeshift bed and looked up in confusion. He looked worried and stood up.

"I knew Ken was a bad person!" He hissed, immediately assuming that's why I was upset.
"No, I am!" I choked before finally bursting into tears and rushing forward to hug my brother. He hugged me back tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder, tears and probably snot dripping down my face.
"I-I r-r-ruined i-it D-David! I g-gained h-his t-trust and l-l-led the p-poor b-boy on!" I stuttered, voice cracking.

David rubbed my back as I hugged him tearfully and he didn't speak. We just silently stood there, and he only sound being my crying.

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