Pieces of Forever

6 - MELISSA

Melissa

Jason puts his arms around her. As difficult as it is to watch, I honestly can't stop looking. He kisses her lips softly, "I miss you, Leslie. All games aside." I watch as he pushes her bangs out of her eyes. "We can go out to dinner and come up with a way to compromise."

"There is no way, unless you just ---"

"Come on, Leslie! I'm trying!"

I find the longer that I sit in the car, the more pissed I am becoming at the situation taking place outside his car. I should have gotten out the car the moment he made his choice. Instead, I sit in the car, looking like a dumb ass trying hard to fight the tears that so badly wants to fall.

*****

I sit alone in the living room couch, staring at the television set. I'm not really watching television. The radio is playing slow jams off in the distance. I just feel so out of place and alone, since coming down to Georgia to try again with Jason. I've only been here for three days and it doesn't seem that we are getting anywhere close to where we used to be. I pull my legs up on the couch and wrap my arms around them. Jason is so damn distant with me. He acts as though he was a perfect boyfriend. He was. A thought comes from the back of my head.

I try to shake my thoughts away, because I know that he was a good husband, boyfriend, and friend to me. I'm the one that lead him to Diamond and Leslie. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I am going to take responsibility for my part. If I had never kept testing him, he would have stayed loyal. I mean, a man can only take so much, before they completely give up. It's crazy, because even though he cheated on me, he didn't completely give up. He still wanted this marriage. I guess he just needed some time.

When I hear the first few lyrics of I Found You, playing on the radio, I turn to look at the radio. I close my eyes as a tear slip from the corner of my eyes. All I can think about is Jason, hugging me and singing to me in the hotel room. The way he looked at me that night, when he sang the song. I know that he didn't fake everything that he felt for me. I felt it in my heart that he meant every single word.

I understand why we're the way that we are now, but I can't handle it so well. The night that I gave him head, I thought things might get a little better. I suck him good in the shower and things just return to normal. We don't argue with one another. We don't fight with one another. We don't talk to one another.

I close my eyes and bury my face in my legs, realizing that I'm going to have to give him what he wants. A divorce. His space. My mom had always told me that you can't make a man love you. . . But he does love me. He's just so . . . I sob uncontrollably at the thought of letting him go. How do a person begin to let all that go? Lord knows that I don't want to let him go. In the last few days, he has demonstrated that he doesn't want this marriage. He doesn't even say shit to me sleeping on the couch.

My whole body shakes as I finally break down over my new reality. My new normal. I will have to run back to Chicago and let him go. He doesn't want me here, and I feel as though I'm invisible.

I stand up and take a deep breath, looking around the living room. Breaks My Heart by Monica comes on the radio as I make my way to the bedroom. I glance at Jason's sleeping face. I suddenly think about all the good times that we had. In my mind, the good times outweigh our bad times by hundreds. We had so many of them. He is more than my baby. We started this as best friends and now I'm walking away from him. It's what he wants anyway.

I take my attention away from him and walk to the closet to pull out a bag. Tears pour from my eyes as I yank clothes off the hangers and toss them into the bag. My vision is blurry as I fill the bag up. I'm so infuriated with myself and how I treated this relationship. I had told this boy that I love him more. My shoulders shake as I yank the last piece of clothing from the closet and toss it in the bag. I didn't really bring anything with me, when I had traveled with Terrance. The things that are at his place now are the things that I had packed in boxes.