Pieces of Forever

62 - JASON

Jason

I walk down the basement steps, slowly. I really don't to wake her, in case she's sleep. I think about how Mel and I left things at the hospital hours ago. Maybe I haven't been fair to her. Hell, I think that I'm doing well. I think she expects so much from me.

After visiting my son for a few hours and watching him sleep, I decided to come back home and check on my baby. She didn't want to answer any of my phone calls. I'm hoping that she didn't run to Cameron's arms, because that's not going to help us. I know that she has a really bad habit of running to him, when our shit ain't right.

I get to the last step and can hear the television coming from the living room area. I walk slowly to the couch to find Mel laying on the couch with dry tear stains on her face. Damn . . . I left her to cry.

I lift her feet up and sit on the edge of the couch, staring at the television. Mel doesn't take her eyes off the television. I glance at her, trying to figure out how to make her smile. What hurts more than seeing her like this, is knowing that I'm the reason that she is like this.

I lift my body up a little and pull out a small booklet that I had gotten from the hospital's gift shop. I flip through the pages of the book and clear my throat a little.

"Um . . . Jessica is a good name." I say, quietly. "I mean, unless you want to give her a name with a meaning. I . . . " Mel is still staring at the television set, not paying attention to me. Fresh tears come to her eyes. "I would really like if we can give her a J name. I don't care what it is . . . I want all my kids to have a J name like their daddy."

Her lips tighten, but she doesn't say anything. I set the booklet down on the coffee table and look at her pretty face.

"I hate seeing you like this. We can talk about names." I plead with her. This shit is making me feel some type of way. I never like seeing my girl cry.

Mel shakes her head.

"Baby, you're not alone in this. I've went to a couple appointments with you. I damn near got in a car crash to make that last appointment, because I didn't want you to be disappointed. And I'm going to be there, when you have her. I'm going to be here after you have her. I'm never leaving your side, her side. Hell, when you give birth, I want her to have my last name. I was going to tell you that, when the time came."

Mel turns and lays on her back, looking at me.

"I can't wait to see Jessica . . . Joselyn . . . Whoever. I mean that. I'm just nervous about not being her father, because I want it so damn bad." I close my eyes for a second, thinking about the hurt that I'm going to feel, if those results say anything but what I want to hear. I open my eyes and look at my beautiful wife. "I guess that I was trying not to get too attached, because of what the outcome might be."

I lift Mel up and rub her stomach. Her left side of the stomach is out more than the other side. I smile a little, because I know that my daughter is probably all balled up on that side.

I look into Mel's eyes. "I'm sorry, baby, for making you feel like you are alone. You're not. I'm going to always be here."

She sits up on the couch, taking the booklet of names off the coffee table. She lays her head on my shoulder as she flips through it.

"I hate that we're like this now." She says, softly. "I wish we were better."

We used to be better. We used to be in love. I'm pretty sure that she's in love with me just as I'm in love with her. And I know that once we get pass some of the things that we're dealing with, life will get easier for us. Unfortunately, I don't know how much time it takes to get pass what we've been through. As long as she doesn't give up, I don't plan on giving up.

"I like the name Jessica. It's as simple as your name."

I rub Mel's stomach as I put my arm around her shoulders. "Are you still in love?" I don't know what makes me ask her this question. She has to be in love to still be with me. Would she wastes her time, if she weren't?"

"I am. Never stopped. Are you?" She peeks up at me, waiting for some type of response."

"I'm here."

We sit together in complete silence for a few minutes.

Mel clears her throat a little. "I am so in love with you. I'm just not that happy all the time." She admits. "I feel bad that I feel like this, because I left him to be with you."

I'm not sure what to say to her. Is she telling me that she wants out? Again? I stop rubbing her stomach and rub the back of my neck.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Are you happy?"

I hate when she asks me a question with a question. "Sometimes." I mumble. "Not every day is supposed to be perfect. I still want to be with you. We've come this far."

"Maybe you're just scared to be without me."

"I've been without you, but I'm better with you." I say, simply. I really don't know where this conversation is going, but I don't like it. "What do you need me to do for you to be happier in this relationship?"

Giving a deep sigh, she rubs her stomach. "Don't know anymore. I thought we were fine and then I found out that you were talking to Ashlee like she's your best friend. I thought that I was your best friend. And then you show Leslie all these emotions, because she is giving birth to your son, but showed me nothing at my ultrasound appointment. I can't help, but feel alone."

"And I told you that you weren't."

"You don't show me that. Jesus, Jason, you make me crazy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been through so many changes and keep making mistakes along the way." She stands up and walks away from me.

"Are you saying that we're a mistake?" I question her as I stand up to follow her. "Where is all this coming from, babe?"

Mel turns around to look at me with tears in her eyes. Please just let this be her hormones. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

"I just want to be loved by you. I want to be your best friend. I want to be a little selfish with you. After everything we've been through, you can't just make it about us?"

"Uh . . ." I nod my head in confusion, instead of giving a direct answer.

Mel sniffles as she wipes her tears. I stand a few feet away from her, scared to say anything. "This is so much to deal with. And seeing you with her today just reminded me that my child won't be loved by you. This is why I told you that I want to be with whoever my child's father is."

"How do you feel that you're sharing me, baby?"

Mel walks completely away from me and go into the bedroom. She slams the door shut, and I hear her lock it afterwards.

"Fuck my life." I whisper as I head back to the couch. I take a seat on the couch, shaking my head. She is pushing me so far away from her. I don't even know what to do anymore. I keep repeating myself to her, when I tell her that I will always be here for her. Why the hell ain't she listening to me?