Despondent | (Completed but editing)

Chapter 12.

It's glistening in the sunlight. My sobs slow down and I smile as soon as I see it. I grip it, and pick it up and run straight into my bathroom with it. I stand with my hands on either side of the sink, looking at myself in the mirror, still crying, and giving myself a small grin. I looked evil; my hair was everywhere, my eyes were nearly completely black and the grin took up my face like I've never seen it before. I knew how relieved I was going to be after this and I couldn't wait.

I set the blade down and my attention traveled to my left wrist. I begin to take the bangles and wristbands off one by one, setting each one down carefully. My older scars were becoming visible and I stared at them until the last bangle was off my wrist. Each scar has a meaning to it and I run my hand over every individual one, naming them off to myself. I pick up the blade and hold it a few inches away from my wrist, sobbing uncontrollably. "And these ones have meanings too," I say audibly between sobs.

"This one is for just being you," I say as I slice my wrist open horizontally.

"This one is for believing anyone would love you," I say and cut again.

"This one is for believing anyone would do more than use you for sex," I say and I slash my wrist again.

"This one is for believing anything could go right for you," I injure myself again. Again and again and again. Naming the reason why I am doing each and every one of them. By the time I think I am done I am in pieces, holding on to the sink, rocking back and forth, blood everywhere. My phone is ringing in my pocket but I don't know if I even have the strength to answer it. Reach for it even, but I somehow do. My right hand drops the blade into the sink and reaches round to my back pocket. I pull the phone from the right pocket and look at the caller ID. It's Jason. I don't make an effort to try and slow my sobs and quick breaths down before answering. I slide the bar at the bottom of the screen, answering the call. I don't say anything I just audibly sob down the phone.

"Lana? You're crying what's wrong?" He asks and I just sob harder.

"Lana! Talk to me?" Harder and harder the cries come.

"Thanks," I force out of my dry throat.

"For? What are you on about? I'm on my way to your house," he says and sounds genuinely concerned. I head him push a lot of force on the gas. I put him on loudspeaker and set the phone down next to the sink. I pick the blade back up and hold it to my wrist.

"This one is for thinking Jason would care if he found out what I'm doing," I say before piercing my skin again.

"Lana? What do you mean? I do care especially if you're doing what I think you're doing," he says and the sobs come out hard.

"Jason I'm going to go down the road, okay? Thank you," I say in such a state, with a small giggle.

"Don't go anyw- oh no Lana! Open your door, I am pulling up now," he says and I cry because I can't do it if he is here. I stumble out of the bathroom and I fall over on my face in the hall. I contain myself and get up, still sobbing, and I am holding my left arm out in front of me, as if I was a zombie. I can't feel anything on that arm. I don't even feel pain. I feel numb, exhausted. Worthless. I unlock the front door and open it wide, Jason isn't there. I leave it that way as I walk to the sofa and slouch on it. My cries could be heard a mile off. I hear someone running but I'm finding it hard to make any sense of anything. My eyes flutter shut and I feel like I am asleep but aware of everything.

"Lana? Are you okay?" I hear Jason run through the door, close it behind him and run towards me. I can't see anything, I can't feel, I can't talk, I can't move. I can only hear and breathe.

"Lana? Are you alive?" Jason shouts. He puts his head to my chest and hears me breathe.

"Lana if you can hear me I am going to call an ambulance. They should be here soon. I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner, beautiful. Im so, so, sorry," he says and I hear him fumble for something, presumably his phone. I hear a dial tone and him tapping his foot on my floor.

"Ambulance please," he says.

"Hello, I've just come home to my girlfriend and she has cut her whole arm out and past out on the sofa," he says and walks towards me again, "she is breathing okay but she's not responding to me. Yes I'll stay on the line. Please be as quick as you can."

Jason don't call me your girlfriend, that's one more cut I owe myself. One for believing I could be with someone like him.

"Yes I see you outside, floor 26 room 87."

I hear a lot of scurrying down the hall and a few people walk into the room and towards me.

"Lana can you hear me?" A male voice says as he shuffles around and I'm assuming he's touching me but I can't feel. "I'm from the ambulance services and I'm here to make sure you're okay and take you to the hospital."

"Those cuts are definitely life threatening, do you know why she did them sir?" He asks Lana.

"No, I rung her whilst she was doing it not knowing she was. She answered and she was crying a lot and she said 'thanks' to me. I asked her what for and then she said 'this one is for thinking Jason would ever care if he found out what I'm doing.'" He tells the paramedic.

"We're rushing her to the hospital immediately, if you could come that would be great."

"Of course," Jason says but I don't feel anything after that.

AUTHORS NOTE

We hit 1k! Thank you guys so much for reading honestly it means so much to me. I hope you all have a great Monday with school or whatever it is you're doing today c:
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One more thing - my amazing new cover was made by Itsjennab , she's amazing at writing too! You guys should check her out.

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