Despondent | (Completed but editing)

Chapter 32

"I was at my mum's, I told you this," Jason says. It all pieces together now. He told me he was at his mum's, helping with his dad's shed, but that doesn't add up. His dad doesn't live with him, his sister's dad does.

"You told me you was at your mum's helping out with your dad's shed, yet your dad doesn't live with you. Something doesn't quite add up, Jason," I say.

"So what on earth do you think I was doing?" He asks as if I'm oblivious, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands.

"You was having sex with Sophie," I state sternly and stare deeply into his grey eyes, as dull as they are, I am still lost in them.

"Who the fuck told you that?" He exclaims, now on his two feet.

"Harper."

"And why do you believe anything she says?"

"Because she is one of my first genuine friends in years, Jason!"

"You've barely been here for 2 months, how can you say she's a genuine person?"

"Because I can, I know a fake person when I see one."

"You're saying I'm fake?"

"No, Jason, what the fuck, I never said anything about you being fake."

"You basically just did," he says and walks towards me, towering over my small body. I never even said he was fake, why is he reacting like this all of a sudden?

"I never called you fake!"

"You did."

"Stop avoiding the question, Jason. Please tell me the truth about where you was and what you was doing the day I was in hospital," I say calmly. He sits on the sofa so he is closer to me, and he calms down a lot.

"We wasn't together at the time, why would you care anyway?" He mutters, covering his mouth with his hand. I reach my hand out and pull his hand away and rest it on his lap so I can hear him clearly next time he decides to say anything.

"Please," I practically beg. His grey eyes meet mine and stare right down into my soul. I know he can tell that I'm speaking with emotion, he can read it through my eyes.

"Lana, I'm sorry," he says and looks down to the ground, elbows resting on his knees.

"Please, just tell me."

"I was at the frat house, I needed a distraction," he says, as if that's giving me any information.

"And?" I prompt him.

"Drew suggested I smoked some weed, so I did, it was the first time in ages so it hit me harder than it usually would've if I kept up the lifestyle I had before you," he says. The lifestyle before me? Does this mean he was a completely different person before I met him? Have I changed him?

"What happened, Jason?"

"Sophie was leading me on, she dragged me into a room, and kissed me and before I knew it she was riding me and I didn't know what to do about it," he says, his eyes glistening as his beautiful grey eyes meet mine once again.

"Oh," is all I can say. My emotions are everywhere right now. I don't know whether to be angry with him, or to forgive him. We wasn't dating so I can't possibly be mad at him.

We sit awkwardly for minutes and minutes. My head is hidden in my knees, the sleeve of my hoodie soaked with tears. I can't believe this, I knew it would happen. Feelings of sadness don't even flood me anymore, I'm numb to all feelings because of some stupid anti depressants. Tears creep their way out but I can never feel them. It's as if I'm acting out every emotion because I cannot feel it, which may be a good thing, but right now all I want to do is feel. I want to feel something.

"Please say something," Jason says in a small voice from next to me.

"I don't know what to say," I tell him and stare blankly across the room.

"I really am truly sorry, I don't know what to say to make this better," he says, his voice croaky and hoarse.

"I really, really thought you loved me all along," I say.

"I really, really have loved you all along," he whispers.

"You don't do that to people you love."

"I don't know what to fucking say, I am truly disgusted with myself, Lana. And it has been haunting me ever since."

"I'm used to it, I guess," I say, no emotion in my voice.

"You shouldn't have to be used to it," Jason sobs.

"Which one of us is walking out tonight?" I sniff.

"Me," he says and stands on his feet. He begins to walk towards the door before turning to face me once again.

"I don't care how complicated this gets, I still want you."

AUTHORS NOTE

where have all of you gone??? Have you all died :((((((