Despondent | (Completed but editing)

Chapter 36.

It has been thirteen days since me and Jason last spoke. Thirteen. Thirteen days full of sitting curled up on my bed, my phone laying next to me, my mind praying over and over hoping that it will light up with a text from Jason.

The first days were hardest, I got so close to harming myself on so many occasions, but I never did. I'm not going to let myself go to that place again after being so happy and finally getting better recently.

As days past, the tears eased off, my eyes dry as they stared at the one wall opposite my bed, sometimes trailing off and glancing out of the long windows, out into the city of New York. The city that once was in my dreams, and now I'm here, living a nightmare.

And today I feel nothing. I feel completely numb. I haven't got any of my work done for school, I have paintings to finish but I don't even have enough energy to get out of bed and feed myself, let alone finish paintings and driving all the way to campus. Going to campus means I might risk seeing Jason, and I won't know what to say if I do. I don't want him to see what he's done to me, I don't want him to know he's the reason my eyes are puffy and red, my skin pale and my stomach constantly rumbling, my throat dry and my body numb.

I don't want to think about what he's doing right now, he's probably holding hands with Sophie, completely in love. She's probably making him feel ten times better than I ever could, him telling her how beautiful she was in the process. Him telling her how lovely her long white blonde hair is, and how she looks so good with heavily lined eyes. How she looks so good in small amount of clothing, how he loves it when her nose crinkles when she throws her head back in laughter. How soft her skin is, tracing up and down, pressings circles into her skin during. How lovely and soft her lips are before leaning down and connecting his full, plump lips with his. How beautifully her eyebrows frame her face, pencilled on or not. How much she adores him, he tells her, tucking a piece of her blonde hair behind her ear.

Jason's POV.

"You have to understand where I'm coming from!" I retaliate.

"She is so fucking in love with you, Jason!" Drew shouts in my face.

"I'm so fucking in love with her!" I shout back, running my hands through my unbrushed hair, pacing around his small living room.

"Really Jason? Or was you in love with the thought of her being in love with you?" He says, smugly.

"Don't! Don't fucking say that!" I shout, inching closer to Drew's body sitting on the couch.

"Jason, you're not in love with her, if you was you wouldn't treat her this way, you wouldn't run off and sleep with Sophie however many times. You wouldn't leave her on her own on the side of the road in a country she's unfamiliar with. You wouldn't-" he lists andi interrupt.

"What do I do?" I ask, my eyes blurring from the tears rimming them.

"Talk to her, she might forgive you," he suggests.

"I'm going to," I say and quickly pace out of the door in swift movements. I open the door to the staircase, not caring to wait for the elevator and begin to run up the stairs, my long legs jumping two steps at a time.

I finally get to the top floor. I open the door to let me into the hall where the flats are. My feet drag me down the hall and in front of Lana's door. I move my hand to knock on the door, but it hesitates and just hovers in front of it. What if she's not in?

I tap the wood a few times with my knuckles and place my hands behind my back, standing up straight with one hand gripping the other. I stand staring for thirty odd seconds before the sounds of chains and keys jingling can be heard. The door is pulled open with her small tender hands, her eyes locking with mine as we both stand in silence.

She looks so different. Her eyes are swollen and puffy, her eye bags as grey as ash. Her otherwise tan skin is left with no colour at all, washed out and dead. Her hair is messy above her head, unbrushed like mine.

Lana's POV.

He looks so different. His fringe is not in it's usual place across his face, instead it's pushed back and messy, sticking up in all directions. His eyes are red and puffy, still rimmed with clear liquid as if he's just stopped crying. Lucky for him, I don't have any liquid left in my body to cry, I'm just a mess. His lips are chapped and bitten up, as if he's been chewing it constantly.

"Hi," I croak, my vocal chords strained.

"Can we talk?" He says, resting his hand on the doorframe. I nod and turn around, heading into the front room. I take a seat on the couch, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my stubbly shins. Jason follows me and takes a seat on the armchair to my right. He rests his elbows on his thighs, resting his head in his hands.

"I'm so so sorry," he whispers, his voice slightly muffled as a result of his fingers covering a portion of his mouth.

"Why do it?" I ask, bringing my eyes to meet his beautiful ones. The beautiful eyes I've missed so much.

"I was.. angry."

"Angry about what?"

"Everything, I was mostly angry at myself, I guess."

"What was going on in your head, what was you thinking about that was bad enough for you to leave me on the side of the road, freezing, and then bad enough for you to go and sleep with Sophie?"

"How do you kno-" he says and I stop him by raising my hand in the air. I grab my phone, unlocking it and quickly pressing the Facebook app. I type in Jason's name, bringing up his profile. I open up photos and bring up the picture of him and Sophie that he hasn't even deleted. My phone is thrown gently into his lap, the picture ready for him to look at.

I need to get this over and done with, I need him out of here. I love him with every fibre in my body but this all hurts. It hurts my numb body.

"I, I don't know what to say," he says, his voice coarse.

"You don't have to say anything. I have nothing to say to you," I tell him.

"I understand that. Would you like me to leave?" He asks. I nod slowly, some of my layers falling into my face. He gets up and walks a few steps so he is now behind me and I can't see him, but he's only standing there.

"I love you, Lana," he says.

"And I, you."

"I will wait."

AUTHORS NOTE

•11k omfg that's madddd af, I love all of you sm aw

•ty for all the comments they're so nice tysm