Despondent | (Completed but editing)

Chapter 47.

"Lana.." Jason says, his voice almost mocking.

"Jason," I say sternly, tears threatening to leave the pool they have created in my eyes.

"What are you doing with that?" He almost shouts.

"I could ask you the same thing," I sniff, a single tear escaping my right eye.

"You wasn't meant to see that," he says, stepping towards me.

"Don't come near me," I shout, standing up quickly from my earlier position on the bed.

"You don't understand.." he says before I rightfully interrupt him.

"What is there to understand Jason? You don't fucking love me? I can understand that so easily!"

"No, Lana."

"Jason it's written in black and fucking white! Why would you make me believe you loved me for so long? What have I ever done to you?"

"You haven't done anything to me Lana, other than make me happy."

"And you was after lust? And you used me?"

"It's not like that."

"Well sit down and fucking explain it to me, nothing can be worse than what I'm feeling right now," I shout and sit down. My heart feels cold. It feels like concrete drying inside my chest. I feel almost numb, my exterior not portraying my true feelings. I manage to stay relatively calm, my nails digging into the palms of my hands to stop them from shaking.

"I don't know how to put it," he says quietly, sitting on the double bed opposite me.

"Why lead me to believe you loved me if you never really did?" I ask, tears pooling once again.

"It's.. complicated," he stutters.

"Even after all the stuff with Sophie, I still loved you then."

"I'm sorry," he says, rubbing one of his eyes.

"I've literally never done anything wrong, I've just flown you out to London for fucks sake," I say, defeated.

"You don't seem sad," he says.

"Oh well."

"Have you read all of the notes?"

"Yes."

"Every single one?"

"Every single one."

"I never meant for you to see them."

"Clearly fucking not Jason."

"Would you like me to leave?" He asks.

"No, I'm going to go for a walk, I need to think," I say, arranging my shoes so I can easily slide them on, "I will be back soon."

"Be safe," he says and I roll my eyes as I turn my back and begin pacing towards the door.

-

Walking around the streets of Piccadilly feels so normal. The fog and slightly damp pavement from the earlier rain adds to the effect. I kick a stone ahead of me, my eyes never leaving my feet. I watch as my feet shift from one foot to another, sometimes standing on a crack in the pavement but nine times out of ten missing it. This feels so familiar, and I feel like myself.

The Lana who lives in New York is not me. That Lana is happy, that Lana is in love. This Lana paces around the same four streets, her heart ripped to shreds and thrown to the floor as if they mean absolutely nothing.

My surroundings feel so familiar. This is the road I used to pace up and down after arguments with my mum, our old house clear in view. I stop at the corner by the zebra crossing and turn to my left. At the end of the road is that house. Liam's house.

I stand and stare for a while. Memories of my whole childhood in this very place flood back to me, some making me smile and some bringing a tear to my eye. I don't even know how long I've been standing here for, staring at a house that holds so many bad memories. It isn't long before I snap out of my trance and begin to pace back down the street.

After taking a few steps down the street I hear some talking at the other end of the road. I turn to see who it is and my eyes widen at the sight. My mum is stepping out of Liams house, bouncing a pram down the small step that elevates his house from the pavement. I hear her thank him and say goodbye before she walks out of his front garden completely. She takes a few steps down the street before her eyes avert to whatever is in front of her. She sees me and we make eye contact. I feel her blue eyes burning into mine from so far away, just like they always used to.