Patrick Stump/Fall Out Boy Imagines

Meaningless

Hey guys. So this isn't the normal imagine like you were probably expecting, but I just want to get this out there. I hardly ever tell you guys about my personal life or what's going on or how I feel because, well, that's not what you're here for. But I've just had this feeling for a while now and I need to express it in some way, because bottling up hasn't helped.

You don't have to read this, but if you do, I'm going to try and write this in one clean sweep, because I know if I try to go back and edit this, I'm going to convince myself into not publishing it. So, here I go...

I haven't been the same since the start of my senior year. Something changed in me, and I wouldn't say it was for the better. My life isn't tough by any means. I've got parents who care about me, and a sister I know will be there with me to the end. I'm lucky enough to be living comfortably, with a roof over my head and a hot meal three times a day. I honestly have nothing to complain about.

But as this past school year progressed, I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I started to resent the people I once called my friend, and the people who had no impact on my life whatsoever - just faces I saw in the hallways or people in my classes that I would never talk to. I grew bitter, hating the world more and more with each day that passed by. I saw the unfairness it held, the heinous jealousy that rages inside of me creating thoughts in my head that made me think horrible things of myself.

To myself, I don't deserve the luxuries I have; I don't deserve parents who care about me or a sister who will be by my side through it all, because I'm worthless. I'm a lost cause, and that care and loyalty belong to someone whose life is actually worth being cared about and devoted to.

Have you ever had that feeling where it's just like, everything you're doing is pointless? Because if you have, then you know how I'm feeling right now. Pointless. That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling, and I've felt this way a good part of my life, especially over this past year.

I fall into these moods every now and then, where moment I'll be fine, thinking that life's okay, and then the next I'll sink, hating life and wondering why the hell I'm doing the things I am.

I mean, yes, there's a reason behind why I go to work on the weekends and school during the week; there's a reason why I write all of the stupid stories I do and fantasize about my future that's never going to happen. But there's no real reason behind them, the big picture reason.

It's just that, ever since graduating, I feel like I have no purpose. Then, I went to school to get good grades and to make my parents proud of me. But as I went through my senior year, and even afterwards, I came to a few realizations that I feel have shaped my life for the worst, and made me lose that purpose I once had.

I first realized that the world's a fucked up place. People who don't deserve things get them and people who do don't. Being nice doesn't get you very far. And no matter how hard you try or work at something, it - more times than not - won't always happen. The world's just like that. There's always going to be someone out there that's better than you, happier than you, and has more luck than you do. Always.

I also realized that, your life is your life, not someone else's. There's no point in living your life if you're not doing things you want to do. But it's hard, because there's just something inside of us (or at least, there is for me) that makes us want to please people, to make them happy and proud. And don't get me wrong and think that I'm saying that you shouldn't, because that's not my point. What I'm trying to get at is that, you should be doing things for you, not because other people want you to.

Which brings me back to the main point of all of this rant - I feel as though my life is just worthless, meaningless, and pointless. Everything I'm doing...I don't know why I'm doing it. Sure, I can give the bullshit reasons like "I'm working to make money so I can buy all the instruments I want to learn to play and to pay for bills and other shit" and "I'm going to school to get a degree and get a better job", but...why? Why does any of it matter to me? It doesn't. I see no reason for me to be doing the things I'm doing.

I'm not happy, I hate almost everything, and I just see no reason to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm never going to be the person I want to be and I'm afraid that, with the way things are now, that's how the rest of my life is going to be. I don't like living like this, but I don't know what to do to change it. I look at everyone else and they all seem to have a purpose, some kind of meaning behind what they're doing. But me? I've got nothing but a bunch of "I don't know"s.

Anyways...I think that's all I want to say about this for now. It's not everything - mostly because there's some feelings and thoughts that I can't even express through writing - but it's a lot of that stuff that I've kept to myself but needed to get out.

Thanks for reading, if you did. I really appreciating you letting me get this off my chest.

💙 Rachael