Dear Niall {A Niall Horan Fanfiction}

September 10, 2013

September 10, 2013

Jackie's POV

My alarm went off and I got up reluctantly. I headed into my bathroom to get ready for school. I took a quick shower I pulled on my dark jeans, and black tank top. After brushing my hair and teeth I slipped on my grey hoodie. I ran downstairs with my backpack slung over one shoulder. My dad was already gone, my mom in the kitchen. She usually leaves for work after I'm gone. Whenever my dad yells at me she tries to help, but always ends up getting yelled at too. I slipped on my sneakers and headed outside.

The bus arrived after a few minutes of standing at the bottom of my driveway. When I got on I went all the way to the back. Stuffing my headphones in, to block out the screaming little kids, I sat by the window. I watched the trees pass by. Then we got to a stop that I dreaded. He got on and also went to the back. He smiled when he saw me. He sat down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I stiffened under his touch and took out one headphone.

"What?" I asked. I didn't dare look at him. He leaned closer to me.

"Your worthless, stupid, and everyone hates you. You have no point in staying here any longer. Just kill yourself already." He squeezed my shoulder, hard. Surely there's now a bruise. I pushed myself against the window to get as far away from him as possible. He got up and went into the seat across from me. A tear rolled down my cheek as Warrior by Demi Lovato came on.

-

I got home and went upstairs. After being called names, tripped, pushed, shoved against lockers, and just being bullied all day I wanted nothing more than to be left alone. I locked my door, collapsed on my bed, and started to cry. My door handle jiggled, then pounding followed. I quickly wiped at my eyes. I unlocked the door and was met by my dad yelling at me. I didn't hear what he was saying. I just blocked him out. Then he said something about how I have no right to lock the door. He stomped downstairs like a pouting child. I closed my door for my mom to open it again. Nobody knows how to knock I guess. Do I have no privacy in this house?

"Are you ok?" She asked sticking her head in.

"I'm fine." I didn't even have to think about it anymore. It became my automatic answer to that question. She nodded then closed my door again.

I dragged myself to my bathroom. I locked the door, finally being in the one room in the whole house that won't get reprimanded for locking the door. I slid my back down the door as I silently cried. I slowly opened the all too familiar drawer. I pulled out the small box. Reaching in I found what I desired. I stood up as I held the sharp cold metal in my hand. I slipped my sweatshirt over my head to reveal the scars on my wrists and along the inside of my arms. I found a spot that wasn't occupied by thin white lines already, and started to bring the blade to my skin.

"Worthless." I whispered as I dug the metal into my skin.

"Unimportant." I continued.

"Ugly."

"Fat."

"Just kill yourself already..." I paused a second. I repeated it several times in my head, then I dug in two more times.

I let the dark crimson blood leak down my arm. Slide down the palm of my hand. Drip off the tips of my fingers. Then down the drain.

"They were all right. All of them." I whispered to no one. I grabbed some toilet paper and tried to stop the bleeding. It kept flowing out. I waited a few more minutes for it to stop, then cleaned off my arm. I got the gouges out of the drawer and wrapped up my wounds. I looked down at my arm, realizing what I had just done.

I went back into my room and got out my notebook again. This is my third letter to him.

Dear Niall,

I haven't told you this yet, but I self harm. I cut. Don't not read these letters because of that. I just need someone to vent my feelings to.

My dad hates me. It seems like everyone hates me right now. I'm worthless, unimportant, and I should just die. I have two friends and they don't know I get bullied. Their oblivious to the whole thing. No one knows that I hurt myself. I never thought I would tell anyone, but I feel like I can trust you.

I thought I would let you know that you are one of three reasons why I haven't tried to kill myself yet.

1: Demi Lovato

She's so strong. A lot of things have happened to her and she is living proof that things do get better. I love her, and she has an amazing voice. She has helped me through a lot. My favorite song by her is Warrior. I hope to one day meet her, and tell her that she is my inspiration.

2: Niall Horan, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, and Zayn Malik

I love them all. They make me smile and laugh. It seems like nowadays they are the only reason for my smile anymore. When I feel like the world is crashing down on me I listen to their melodic voices, or watch them be silly. I hope to meet them also. I just want to hug them all.

3: Niall James Horan

I know I already said him, but I wanted to make a point by saying it again. He makes me smile so damn much. His tweets, even if he's talking about derby or the Rams, they make me smile. When he posts new pictures on Instagram, they make me smile too. Especially the one where he said he's a ninja.

Those three things seem to be my only reasons to live anymore. I know to you I'm probably just another fan, but I love you Niall. Thank you for always making me smile.

Love always,
Jackie

I got out an envelope and again addressed it the same.