The Missing Frame

Kabanata 17.1

ROLANDO

"Are you okay?" The room was dimmed and we sat across each other on two different sofas, but I could still catch the faintest reddening of her nose and cheeks. Natasha sat quietly, hugging the Bible I'd given her. "Is there anything that's been bothering you?"

She nodded a bit and bit her lower lip.

"Hey, know you can tell me anything." Ilang araw ko nang napapansing medyo tulala siya. Masmahirap pangitiin at patawanin. I listen to her rant about Divine, I help her with her assignments, I bring her to the mall when she needed to buy something – I make sure she has everything she needed; and I just couldn't tell where I was coming short.

"'Pag napalitan na ng Roberto yung apelyido ko, Natasha pa rin ba name ko?" tanong niya. Sa laki ng mga pupils niya, I could easily make out the twinkling reflection of Christmas lights in them.

I didn't understand why this should bother her. "Why? Do you have other names in mind?"

"Umm... Rose?"

"Rose?" Medyo napataas ang tono ko kaya lalong lumaki ang mga mata niya. Her droopy eyes, betraying the bit of French in her ancestry. I briefly smirked, just so she knew that she didn't say anything wrong.

But why Rose? Of all the names.

"Si Do—si Grandma Dolores kasi," patuloy niya, "ipinagbawal na 'kong gamitin yung Natasha Domingo. Rose Roberto na raw ang gagamitin ko." Napayuko siya. Her long, dark, wavy hair drew in on the front to cover her face. Gusto kong hawiin para makita ko 'yong mukha niya.

"Rose..." sabi ko.

She swiftly regained eye contact.

"...I need to tell you something."

Nung hindi ko alam kung pano sisimulan, natawa ako bigla. I stood up and sat beside her. Nagsiksikan kami sa one-seater sofa kung san siya nakaupo. She didn't push with what I had wanted to say, so she must've thought I was joking and I let it go. Instead I said, "What else?"

"Yun lang naman."

I stretched an arm behind her, sa sandalan nung sopa, and with my hand reached for the sleeve of her shirt, straightening the end by defolding it. I expected she'd lean her head on my shoulder, just like before, but she didn't. Hindi naman din siya lumayo, so I guess my proximity was welcome in a way. I didn't shift. "Meron pa e," bulong ko sa tainga niya.

"Ah... e..." she stuttered.

"What?"

"P'wede niyo ho ba akong ipa-shop ulit bukas?"

"Ipa-shop? Ibebenta na kita?"

"Ibigsabihin ko–ano–mag-shopping ulit tayo." Inangat niya yung tingin niya sa kin. Niliitan niya pa yung mga mata niya as if to tell me that I was too corny. She didn't have to remind me.

"Joke lang." Pinisil ko 'yong pisngi niya.

"Mga art supplies ulit. Yung pera ko na lang na naipon gamitin."

"Hiya ka pa. Pasko naman e," sabi ni Rolando. "Sure. Punta tayo sa malaking mall this time. Yung may shop na as in puro art supplies lang ang tinda. May alam akong mall." I made a mental note to message Dado, to meet us so he could finally witness my spectacle of a daughter. Dito lang naman sa Maynila nagpa-Pasko yun. Tsaka Noche Buena ang family get-together nila. He'd be available. I hope.

"Okay," lang ang sinabi ni Natasha. Tumayo siya bigla mula sa sopa at lumubog ako. Pinulot niya mula sa center table yung iba niya pang mga nakuhang regalo kasama ang mga ribbons at sira-sirang wrappers. Tapos dirediretso na siya paakyat sa kwarto niya nang walang good night man lang.

Hindi ko na naman nasabi ang kailangan kong sabihin. I only got the courage when it was too late. Like now... when I was alone amidst the fuzzy, hazy lights of the room.

If I closed my eyes, I could easily be back in the condo

On those nights – years when I was entirely on my own.