Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 57: I'm Sorry

Hey guys

Are you ready for this chapter? It's rather short, but important and filled with emotions. 

Also, who's proud of me for updating two weeks in a row? 

Enjoy reading! 

Love you!

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If you want to live in absolute hell, believe that you are responsible for what other people feel. ~Marshall Rosenberg

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My elbows were cutting painfully into my knees, my hands wringing with a force bordering on hurtful. I didn't alter my movements or my position on the chair I was sitting in. I embraced the pain, it was a welcome distraction from the unbearable tightness in my chest, the torturous squeezing of my lungs, the ball of venomous anguish that lay in the pit of my stomach.

It was the moment that I entered this hospital that I actually realized what had happened. Anaphylaxis was not something to treat lightly. Admittedly, I'd underestimated it myself. Once Sam lost consciousness the real panic had set in. However, I was only aware of the horrifying consequences this may have once I googled it.

People died as a result of this allergic reaction.

Sam could have died because of this.

Because of me.

Why did my favorite food have to consist of peanuts?

Why did the universe hate me so damn much?

From my left, a hand reached for both of mine, still rubbing against each other in an uncomfortable, but somewhat relieving way. My hands stilled their movements in my lap once they came into contact with warm skin. Then, I realized my arms were shaking, my legs too.

"He'll be okay." My ears picked up the sound of his voice. Strangely, like it had that time I'd called Jo, his voice alone calmed me a little.

I knew that Sam didn't die but I also knew that he barely made it. If it weren't for the paramedics arriving on time, if it weren't for Marcus arriving on time then... I couldn't even allow myself to picture it.

I almost killed him.

I barely managed a nod.

"Bee, look at me." Oh, so we were back to Bee now, were we? What had changed? I tore my gaze away from the blank spot on the baby blue wall to face him. His normally tanned skin looked pale beneath the fluorescent lights, dark shadows were adorning his eyes, his hair looked disheveled like he had messed it up by running his hands through it one too many times. He didn't look well, let alone healthy. "He will be okay. Don't beat yourself up about this. It wasn't your fault that all of this happened."

And that's where he was wrong. Because all of this was all my fault, mine and mine alone. If I hadn't eaten those damn peanuts this could have been easily prevented.

Silence. I didn't dare open my mouth.

"Why didn't you come to me?" I looked at him incredulously. The real question he wanted to ask was: Why did you choose Jeremy over me?

For days he'd been dismissive, had been sullen for weeks and he still expected me to come running back to him? Oh yeah because he made this so easy for me by pushing me away again and again. Instead of answering I asked with a hoarse voice, "Why didn't you come to me?"

Instantly, he snapped his mouth shut. Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Well, it doesn't seem like you want to have anything to do with me lately," I said bluntly. I could hardly think straight at the moment, my mouth had no filter whatsoever.