Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 61: Selfish Intentions

I'm dedicating this chapter to @katosaunty for her kind words on this book. 

Enjoy reading y'all! Warning: This is a hella long chapter.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Selfish people often mistake selfishness for strength. It takes no talent, no intelligence, no self-control and no effort to sacrifice other people for your ego. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know that feeling that something substantial inside of you had gone missing? Once something had filled you up with its presence and the next minute it was gone. It took me some time to figure out what that special thing was.

It was my soul.

Somewhere between the panic attack and the telling of my past, it had vanished and I wasn't able to pinpoint when exactly this had occurred just that I was feeling this other cold in me. Like a vacuum had magically appeared inside me and was freezing me from the inside out.

I lifted my head to look at him for the first time since I'd opened my mouth. It was so utterly silent you could hear us breathe in and out, in and out.

By now the sky had turned a light royal blue, bathing us in slight darkness.

During my monologue, he hadn't uttered a single word. He stared at me, I felt it, but not once did he say anything. I disliked his silence although I was positive it was the right thing to do. I wasn't sure I wouldn't have stopped right in the middle of the story if he interrupted.

And now that I finally dared myself to look at him I couldn't read his expression. His features had gone hard throughout the revelation of my past, but they were so incredibly gentle at the same time, it made me frown. His movements, the crossing of his arms over his waist, were angry and soft. Soothing and terrifying.

His gaze was unrelenting in their search for something that was unbeknownst to me. Exhaustion made it unable to turn away.

"In all honesty, I don't know what to say."

The light could be deceiving me, but his skin seemed to have turned pale.

I forced the corners of my lips up. "I understand. If you want me to stop you have to tell me, okay?" I hated myself for passing this burden onto him, but I couldn't stop. The imaginary plug was pulled and the information needed out.

He nodded, expression stern.

"Right after, my dad took me to the police station to make my statement. I didn't really want to. There was just something in me that refused, but I knew it was the right thing to do even if leaving home again and passing that one spot where it happened terrified me more than anything else.

"However, my 'brave' decision to go to the police was pointless. Seeing as I didn't see his face they couldn't do anything. I felt so useless then, but all I remembered were his dark clothes."

I exhaled deeply and ran a shaking hand over my features. "At the station, I was asked if the attacker said anything to me. That question unleashed something inside of me. Suddenly a switch was flipped and I realized before that question the person who did that, he wasn't a person, wasn't a human being to me. He was a monster and him being mute helped the lie to fully develop in my brain. Until that question. And realizing that it was, in fact, a human being, it knocked the air right out of me. How could somebody do something so terrible if he was human? How could the attacker not have been a monster?"

Ryan straightened and closed the distance between us, hands finding mine, still shaking and freezing cold. On each hand, his thumb drew circles over my skin.