Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 63: Ignorance

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I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time  

~I Miss You, Blink 182

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Days passed and my emotions declared war against each other.

No words were exchanged between neither my boyfriend and me nor between my long lost childhood friend and myself.

There was complete radio silence on Sam's part. I hadn't made the effort to contact him either. His jealousy was starting to spiral out of control. Sick and tired of fighting whenever we met, I ignored the previous issues in our relationship and focused on everything but.

Things with Ryan were different. Since we weren't attending the same school the chances of running into Sam were slim, but with Ryan, I had to specifically go out of my way to avoid him. Ashamed didn't even scratch the surface of what I was feeling. My harsh words from days ago had not only pained him. Our encounter had been torturing my mind ever since. Like a broken record it sounded in my head again and again and again. But behind the shame was more. Anger. I didn't entirely feel the need to apologize because deep inside my hollow form, I knew my words held a sparkle of truth to them.

My life had taken on a significant turn since I'd befriended him. My family, my friends, my boyfriend, my school life. Everything got messed up.

In a way, I'd been right. He really did make it hard to be his friend sometimes. Things linked to Sam especially spiraled into chaos and destruction every time.

But I was sure I wasn't easy to like either 24/7.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice whispered that I was just searching for excuses. That's what I liked to do when things got complicated. The urge to run from chaos became overwhelming sometimes.

If I were honest with myself I'd confess that the reason for my messy life was not Ryan and that I couldn't put him at fault for my own actions.

Really, I was mostly infuriated with myself, but the feeling of betrayal he'd ignited could hardly be overlooked. After the revelation of my past struggles I'd thought this insight of my feelings made him understand some things about me. He'd said so himself.

Seemingly though, my aversion for selfishness as well as the personal meaning of helping others didn't get through to him. Otherwise, he'd have hardly done what he did. Lending me his old jersey, not for the benefit of helping me, but for his own selfish ulterior motive reminded me of my initial distaste for the egotistical human race.

My response might have been mildly exaggerated, but I'd achieved my goal. He'd hurt me and I'd reciprocated.

Instead of radio silence, all I received from Ryan were text messages and calls I tried my hardest to ignore. He made some real effort to reach me, but I wasn't ready to talk. Wasn't ready to hear him apologize to my face. His voicemails and texts twisted me up too, but my own masochist pushed me to read and listen.

One good thing brought this situation. I got some time to myself. After what felt like ages I'd finally pulled out a new book and enjoyed my reading time. It was the perfect escape from all the current drama in my life.

Taking a reading break, I placed my book on the coffee table before picking up my phone and going through the missed calls and texts I'd received.

I was just checking another voicemail when the doorbell rang. I ignored it.