▍Starlight | j.jk ✔

004

Its so weird writing about high school again.

Go follow Morgan28xoxo Cause she is literally the sweetest person ever and i love her.

Now onto the chapter.

"Well, I wish I could say it was a pleasure. But honestly, that was not enjoyable at all. Some advice for you to try and retain. Maybe next time, don't go through other peoples belongings." He says as we both step out of the car finally at the dreaded building.

I look over the top of the car at him wondering how one person can be so irritating.

"Well retain this... Maybe next time you can pick your damn phone up yourself."

I watch as he tilts his head to me lightly before pushing the car door shut.

"I'll try and remember that. Thanks for the advice princess."

He lightly presses two fingers to his forehead, giving me a cocky little salute before walking off.

I can honestly say if I never see him again, it would be too soon.

This place is way too familiar. Places like this aren't easily forgotten. No matter how hard you try to do so. So much has changed since I have been here. This old run down building used to be a middle school. But as my mother told me yesterday a while back they built a whole new school and put the middle schoolers in there. Giving all the high school student this place.

So even as I grow, I still don't seem to be able to escape this place. Even with five years away under my belt I still find myself back here. In the same place that I always am. Nervously biting down on my lip wondering how long it will take until I will finally be ready and able to walk inside.

I attempt to mentally prepare myself for the noises and the people. I think over my answers to all the questions they may ask. I try to think of everything. I may not know what the future will hold, but I'm going to prepare for it the best I can.

I don't care what my mom says. I don't need excitement. I need to be sure, I need stability.

I try to tell myself that if I overthink it, it will only make it worse. But then I begin to overthink about all the overthinking that I'm doing.

Sometimes it's hard to shut my mind off.

I'm sure if I could my life would be a lot easier.

The voice in my head is screaming out in fear telling me to turn away. It's telling me that we can try again tomorrow. But I know if I listen I will never get through those doors.

Tomorrow would turn into the next day and so on.

I begin to think of everything at that moment. So many different things come to mind as I watch silently. My eyes following different people passing by to make their way into the school building.

I think of all the bad things that could possibly happen.

Everyone could hate me

I could take one step inside and fall straight on my face in front of everyone

I could walk into the wrong room

Have nowhere to sit during lunch

People might remember me

People might have forgot

I wonder why I want to be both remembered and forgotten.

Is it possible?

I don't want people to remember the person I was. But if they forgot does that mean I left no mark? Does that mean I lived my life in a way where I was easily overlooked?

So many nerves flow through me, enough to mask the fact that my nails have been digging into the skin of my arm since I got out of the car. I look down and pull my hand away looking down at the deep nail marks left.

I hear the loud ring of the school bell roll through my ears as the last couple students rush into the building leaving me outside. Still at the edge of the student parking lot.

I have no more words of encouragement for myself. No more lies my brain can manufacture to make me feel better about the situation.

All I have is my anxiety.

"Fuck it," I whisper to myself with a breath before taking my first step on my way to the building. I don't have the strength to tell myself whatever will be, will be. I've never been able to accept that.

I need more than that.

I know its true, but I need more than that.

Not knowing what will be drives me crazy.

I don't have enough trust to be able to leave my life up to fate.

My shoes hit the asphalt barely making a sound as I sprint across it to get into the building.

I can't let myself turn back, no matter how much I want to.

The smell that hits my nose when I pull the door open and walk inside is enough to make me sick. It's not because it actually smells. But the familiar scent brings back memories I would prefer to stay hidden in the back of my mind.
There is people everywhere.
Typical for a school I suppose.
It's noisy and crowded. Everyone has a place to be and a time to be there. Although I wonder how many of there are actually where they are supposed to be.
I was never in the right place, never where I was supposed to be.
I'm not sure many teachers will be happy to see me back. That is if they are even still around.
I walk through the long familiar hallway dodging people and tuning out voices hoping to get through without being touched.
My hands pulled close to me and my ever movement careful and thought through.
Only one mission on my mind.

"Don't give anyone a reason to notice you"