The Flame (Avengers Fanfiction)

32-A Depressed State of Mind

I woke up naked, laying in the driveway of the mansion. I was curled up like a baby and a circle of fire surrounded me. My eyes closed momentarily and I waved my hand, making the fire disappear. I got up, walking inside. It was maybe the late morning now, so I had spent most of the night outside. The whole night I had spent burning and evolving. My mind was clear up until I walked into the mansion. Yesterday came flooding back to me and I suddenly longed to forget it all. I pulled on my dirty suit from yesterday and made sure the fire in the fireplace was out. Like the good girl I am, I cleaned up the mess I had made. And like that, I locked up the house and flew away.

It didn't take long for me to land at Avengers Tower. I quickly made my way to my bedroom, unzipping my suit before my door had even opened. I shoved the suit off my body as soon as the door shut, my throat feeling scratchy and tight when my eyes land on my bed. The vision that Wanda Maximoff gave me cane rushing back and I suddenly felt empty inside. I pushed the bloody images out of my head and walked into my bathroom. I got into the shower and put it on burningly hot. My eyes shut and I tilted my head back. I let the water pull me away. Pull me straight into the nightmare that Wanda Maximoff made me go through.

My baby.

My baby.

My baby.

The scream in my head yanked me back to reality, making my eyes shoot open. I washed my hair and scrubbed away yesterday. I scrubbed at my skin until it was bright red and raw, like I could scrub away anytime Clint had touched me. I felt dirty and wrong. I was the other woman. I slept with another woman's husband, hell I even loved him. I wanted to marry Clint Barton. I thought I had could have a future with him.

That disappeared when I found out I was pregnant and he told me to get rid of it. Part of my heart still longed for him. Wanted him to leave his wife, his family for me. I hated that part of my heart. It was ridiculous-I was ridiculous. He was a user. Clint Barton used me for sex and drained me. I don't think I really ever mattered to Clint. I was just someone to use.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks, mixing in the spray of the shower, and I hiccuped out a sob. I hated it, hated it so much. I hated cheaters so much and that is what I was. Well, I wasn't the cheater-Clint was. I was the other woman, the mistress. I was the woman I despised. Another sob came out and I leaned against the wall.

I was pregnant when his wife was pregnant. He didn't care when I lost the baby because he already had his own kid, a son. I didn't get to know what gender my baby was-even though I know gender is a social construct. I didn't get to have my baby, but that's what he wanted right? He didn't want me to be pregnant. Told me that I wasn't ready for a child. I could've raised that baby. I was getting sober, I would've been fine. I would have never wanted any child support from him, wouldn't have wanted to state who the child's father was. I would've stop being a superhero just for that damn kid.

But, I'd never know. I slid down against the wall, bringing my knees into my chest. I was doing fine, I had moved on with Matt. I loved Matt, I love Matt, but this-I am thrown off. Me seeing Clint's pregnant wife and her being so fucking nice to me, wanting to fucking meet me-I didn't know what to fucking do. I was garbage, absolute trash. I wrapped my arms around my legs and cried hard. I was just a whore. I got used, got fucking played.

My baby.

I just want my baby. I don't care about anything else.

Well, that's a lie.

My heart felt fucking broken even though it belonged to someone else. I gave that man everything I had. I made him custom hearing aids and made them incredibly available for those who needed it. I donated so much money for various charities that helped deaf kids, but I guess that wasn't enough-well no, it doesn't matter if it was enough or not. According to Natasha, he was going to propose to his wife when he first slept with me. Clint never wanted to have anything more than friends with benefits type of situation with me. I was the one who wanted something. I was the dumb bitch.

Eventually, I got out of the shower and wrapped myself in a big fluffy towel. I walked over to the mirror. My eyes were so red and puffy and there was various bruises all over my body. I ran a hand through my hair. My emotions were everywhere and I couldn't afford that, not now. So I bundled it up and put on a Columbia shirt that I had stolen from Matt and a pair of sweatpants. I grabbed my discarded suit from yesterday and the other suit from a few days ago. I walked into my gear closet after typing in the code, tossing them onto the floor. I clapped my hands, making the lights turn on. I hooked up my old iPod to a speaker in said closet and let the music fill the air.

"When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky"

I walked to the back of the closet and moved a few extra suits and rested my hand on a panel. The biometric scanner dinged softly and the back of the closet swung open, revealing my suit workshop. The lights turned on and the various screens around the large room came to life.  I grabbed the two suits on the ground and walked into the lab. After I had tossed the suits onto the table. Spirt of the Sky continued to play as I pulled my hair up.

I'd repair these suits when I had the time. I had something much more important to focus on. I walked over to a covered table and pulled the sheet off of it. The blood red suit had two golden stripes on either side. The Avengers logo was also in gold. It was a brand new suit that I had been working on for a while. I put my fiery hand on the suit, watching as it the suit shifted and grew brighter. My other suits simply let the fire dance upon it, but this one became the fire. My emotions were going to run wild if I didn't busy myself with something. I got to work just as different song played.

"The other woman
Has time to manicure her nails
The other woman
Is perfect where her rival fails
And she's never seen with pin curls
In her hair anywhere"

Lana Del Rey's haunting voice crept up my body, sending a chill up my spine. I pushed through my emotions and kept working on my suit.

"The other woman
Enchants her clothes with French perfume
The other woman
Keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
And there are never toys that's scattered everywhere"

I worked and worked, the temperature in the room rising.

"And when her old man comes to call
He finds her waiting like a lonesome queen
'Cause to be by her side
It's such a change from old routine"

I worked feverishly, sweat dripped down my back as I stitched and stitched. I didn't notice it, but tears rolled down my cheeks.

"The other woman
Will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman
Will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by, the other woman
Will spend her life alone
Alone"

As the song concluded, I broke down. I sobbed hysterically before screaming. Flames shot out of mouth.

I suppose that I really didn't have my feeling under control.