The Flame (Avengers Fanfiction)

71-Hurt

We never talked about what I'm supposed to do when you're gone, Stevie. We never discussed that.

I really, really could use a drink at this moment in time, but I really can't drink now can't I? This is the one moment I absolutely cannot fucking drink. Bucky and I got a cab back to the Brooklyn house I had bought for my husband. His house, the house he wanted. Rain was coming down hard on New York City, like the Heavens themselves were mourning the lost of Steven Grant Rogers.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked down at the sonogram in my hands, the light of the city illuminating it. Four months. I was four months pregnant and I didn't even know. Steve didn't know. He knows now. Hopefully. I thumb rubbed itself over the grainy black and white image of Steve and I's baby. At least it was a boy right? Lucky me. I put it in my pocket and looked out the window. The cab pulls up in front of the house and we get out, the street lights illuminating all the puddles. Bucky pays the cab as I walk up the steps. The rain soaks me, but I don't care enough to use my powers to dry myself off. I kick off my shoes as soon as I walk inside, twisting my rings around my finger. I open the door, walking inside toward the sound of Morgan and Benjamin playing. Watching the children is Happy, Sam, Rhodey, and Pepper. They all look worried.

Pepper is the first one that sees me standing there. She quickly gets up and wraps her arms around me, resting her head on my shoulder. I hold onto her as I start crying again. She carefully rubs my back, attempting to soothe me. She knows exactly how I'm feeling.

"I'm sorry, Pey. I'm so sorry." Pepper tells me softly as she pulls away, tears in her eyes. I nod because I'm afraid to speak. Rhodey is the next one that pulls me into a hug. My brother's best friend holds me tightly in his arms as my tears soak his black shirt.

"Whatever you need, I'm here for you." He murmurs to me as he pulls away, carefully wiping away my tears. Forehead of Security himself, Happy Hogan, hugs me next.

"You need anything? I got you, kid." The man tells me completely seriously and I smile thankfully at him. The smile fades when I look at my son and I realize I have to break his heart. He looks so happy as he and Morgan play with old Avengers action figures. He's holding a small Captain America in his hands. I wipe away my tears and I move towards my son. Both Morgan and Ben look up at me as I sit down next to them.

"Hi mommy! You wanna play with us? You can be you!" Ben says happily as he lifts up a small figure of myself. I give him a small smile as Pepper beckons Morgan away from Benny and I. I'm still soaking wet, but that doesn't stop me from tucking a strand of Ben's blond hair behind his ear.

"Not right now, baby. Benny, you know how we visited Daddy today and he said he was really sick?" I ask and Ben nods. I swallow hard before continuing, "Well he-he was really sick. The doctors couldn't fix him anymore so-so Daddy died."

The room was silent and my son looked at me. His little blonde eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. I'm so sorry, Benjamin. So fucking sorry.

"But-He can't die! He was okay!" Ben responds, gripping his small version of his father. I shake my head, pulling my son into my lap. The toy falls with the others, a pile of destroyed and used heroes.

"He loved you a lot, Ben. He wanted you to know that. Your daddy loved you so much." I tell him as I hold him. I think it finally hits him because my son starts crying. That, of course, makes me cry. So I hold my son tightly as both of us cry.

-

An hour later, I find myself standing in the doorway of my bedroom-our bedroom. I've been sleeping alone these last few months, but Steve was still out there-so it was okay in some sort of way. Now, that bed will be completely empty. It'll be a different type of alone. I look down at my wedding rings as I walk into the room. I sit on the edge of my bed on my side, carefully taking them off and setting on them on the bedside table. The room is filled with pictures of Steve and I or of our family. He's everywhere.