The Flame (Avengers Fanfiction)

39-God Knows I Tried

"You can't stay here anymore." A soft voice said from the doorway as I rocked little Michael in my arms. I look up and I saw my adopted mother standing the door way. She was wearing the soft blue pantsuit she was wearing when I last saw her. Her pearls around her neck. My heart thumped in my chest and swallowed hard as I looked at her.

"Mom?" I ask, my voice tight as I stood. I held Michael close to my chest as I walked over to her.

"You can't stay here, darling. You have to go back." She repeats and I swallow, shaking my head.

"No, no. I can't go back. Why can't I stay here with you and dad and Michael?" I question her and she shakes her head. Her eyes are filled with tears as I grow near.

"It's not your time. You have to go back." She tells me once more. My mother looks sad as she tells me. Tears fill my eyes as the thought of leaving Michael fills my head. I shake my head, the tears slipping out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

"No. I can't go back. Please let me stay. Please, Mommy." I beg, looking at Michael and then her. I couldn't go back. Not now. It felt like I've never been without my tiny little son with his brown hair like his father's and my eyes.

"You'll come back eventually, but not now. Please baby." Mom tells me, tears rolling down her perfectly done up face. She reaches out and cups my cheek, "He'll be here when you come back."

"I can't leave him again, please." I manage to get out. She shakes her head.

"You have to leave, my sweetheart. I love you." Mom leans foreword and kisses my forehead-

I woke up alone in a hospital room. It was dismal and cold. I gasped out. I was empty once more and gone from my grasp was my son.

I wasn't fucking successful.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't even kill myself. That means Tony found me like that. God, I am a shitty person. I wasn't allowed to wallow in self pity for long. Tony soon walked in and when his eyes settled on me, I felt so damn guilty. He looked away and called for some doctors and nurses. My brother doesn't talk to me until all the doctors have left the room.

-

Three Months Later

Recovery was a pain in the ass, I'll tell you that. It included therapy sessions, the close eye of my teammates, and a move from the Tower to the base upstate. I didn't mind. I'd do anything for Tony at this point. My suicide attempt had terrified my dear brother. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, so I worked with him on this. It was the least I could do.

The base upstate wasn't half bad. It was state of the art, better than SHIELD.

And it had a kick ass gym.

That's where I was now, my fists pummeling a defenseless punching back. Sweat dropped down my back. I had foregone my tank top already, since I was already too hot. This had become a nightly occurrence for me if I couldn't sleep. I sneak down to the gym and attack a punching bag until I was exhausted. According to Sam, it was the Steve Rogers method.

They have all been watching over me since I got here, making sure I was okay. I was still weary of Natasha and Wanda, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. It was the least important thing that was going on in my life.

"Shouldn't you be asleep, Pey?" Steve calls out, pulling me out of my thoughts and punches. I mutter a soft "fuck" as I realize that scars are on display right out in the open. I manage to maneuver myself around so the punching back is hiding me.