Enthusiastic beyond belief
In a busy room you're all I see
All Keith saw within this busy room of bustling diplomats was Lance. Lance's laughter and voice draining out the rest of the room. His bright eyes drawing him in.
I fear this admiration will be the end of me
blurring the lines between what I want and what I need
Keith wanted Lance, but was he really what he needed? He felt like his feelings for the red paladin would be the end of him. His chest aching from the lack of returned feelings.
He shouldn't need someone who doesn't even look at him. Someone who doesn't feel the same. And yet he wants him.
Calm down, calm down
Don't let her see how fast your heart is beating
Keith's heart would pound with every sparring match with Lance. Their sweaty skin touching, bodies pushed against another.
The cradling after intense missions that lead to one another carried to the healing pods. Jesus his heart felt like it was going to explode.
He needed to calm down.
Calm down, calm down
Control your breathing
His breathing was so erratic. He'd never say it outloud but fuck did he love Lance. Every time he'd get hurt his breath would fasten, his heart would slow, and he'd well up with tears.
Keith couldn't fucking take this anymore.
And if you don't want me, well that's just tough luck
Lance didnt want him and he knew that. He knew he wasnt wanted or needed by the one he wanted most.
It was just his problem. Not anyone else's.
I think about you but I know I'm not good enough
He thought about Lance day and night. He knew he wasnt good enough for him, but he just couldnt get it out of his head.
He thinks and thinks until his head hurts. Lance's face never leaves his mind, his voice. His lips. Everything.
Have I built you up too much? Now I can't say
What's on my mind in case I go and scare you away
Surely he had built Lance up too much, he can't be that amazing. Even if he thinks about it as hard as he can he cant find any negative traits. He cant find a single fucking thing wrong with him.
He wanted to tell Lance. Wanted to talk to him because hes his right hand man. They can talk, right?
No. He shouldn't dump his pathetic feelings on him, Lance would just hate him even more. He'd keep the rivalry strong and even begin to ignore Keith.
Calm down, calm down
Don't let her see how fast your heart is beating
Calm down, calm down
Control your breathing
Fuck. Hes crying.
He shouldn't be crying.
He shouldn't.
But he just cant help it. His breathing is choked out sobs, he needed to quiet down before Lance came pounding on his door to tell him to shut up.
He buries his face in his pillow and bites down, sobbing and screaming into it. It muddled the sound well. He pounds his fist into the bed he can hardly stand to sleep in because Lance's face haunts him in his dreams too.
All the people you meet
will have thoughts optimistic and sweet
All the people Lance flirted with were beautiful, sweet. He simply couldn't compete with them. He wasnt on the same level as them.
Not even close. So far out of Lance's league and yet here he was wanting him.
And how can I compete
with the world at your feet
He really couldnt compete. The aliens are too perfect. I mean even Keith could see it! They're all women too or present feminine.
Especially Allura. Shes a princess, a queen. He really cant compete with that.
Would it be cruel, be cruel, be cruel
to let my eyes return to you?
Would it be cruel to let his eyes linger on him? To let his eyes search Lance's body. His face.
Would it be cruel to watch him? To wish he was with him?
Would it be cruel, be cruel, be cruel,
to give my thoughts, my thought to you?
Would it be cruel to give everything to Lance? His thoughts, his body, his soul? He wanted to.
He wanted to completely give himself up to Lance.
Feelings for friends turn to hate
when I see what they are willing to throw away
He hated Allura for throwing Lance away. For denying his feelings. He envied her.
She should take them. Take Lance and run. Hes amazing and she doesnt see that. And Keith doesnt understand how she doesnt.
He wished Lance would look at him like that. Chase after him like a dog after a bone.
And now I envy a fool who only negates anything with a deeper meaning he tries to say
Allura tried to negate Lance's feelings with hatred. With anger. And Lance still chased her.
Still looked at her with those love filled eyes. Those beautiful eyes.
Would it be cruel, be cruel, be cruel
to let my eyes return to you?
Would it be cruel, be cruel, be cruel,
to give my thoughts, my thought to you?
He really wanted to give himself to Lance.
Make himself a sacrifice to him.
He would if he could.
I wouldn't want to hurt you by letting you hurt me
you don't deserve to feel guilty
But he knew if Lance would hurt him he'd feel guilty. He didnt want Lance to fuck around with him just to hurt him even more by leaving.
Lance didnt deserve that.
He didnt deserve to feel guilty over something so petty as Keith's stupid feelings.
I'm an overly sensitive impatient little freak
you'd do better to turn your back on me
Lance would do better to run away. To get the fuck away from Keith. To stay as far as possible.
Keith was overly sensitive. A Galran freak. Impatient. Impulsive. He was disgusting compared to everyone else and Lance was better without him.
Better without his stupid feelings.
Why do I think these stupid thoughts?
I want to fight my own advice
Why does he think of Lance in this way? Why does he think those conversations they have will lead to something more? To love?
He should just ignore Lance and get over him and yet he couldnt. He couldnt follow through with it. He couldnt follow his own damn advice for shit.
He fucking hated this bullshit.
For I will only feel remorse
I just want you in my life
If he followed through with his advice he'd feel disgusted with himself. Hed feel so wrong. His heart would ache so much more because all he wants is Lance in his life.
Even if it means he cant have him.
He just wanted Lance to be by his side.
Even as a friend.
Song: gb eating gb whilst listening to gb by crywank
It's been 6 months since he left and I still feel this empty void in me. I've tried to fill it and it all feels wrong.
So heres a little song ficlet I can relate to.
