Toxic [Richard Kruspe]

Mutter

- "You are kidding. Tell me that you are kidding, Kate.", I command calmly. My eyes are dry and emotionless. This gotta be a joke.

- "I never joke when it comes to important issues like this, Anna. It's true... Your cousin called Mel two hours ago." Kate's voice is trembling. I'm afraid that she's telling me the truth and I'm not sure how to handle it. I keep a straight face and turn to Melanie.

- "Who caused it and how."

- "Wh-what?", she hesitates, not expecting this reaction.

- "I don't like asking the same things twice. Who and how."

- "The university called her for a reminder to take care of your studying fees. In the end, they wished a fast recovery and right when she asked them what happened, they told her that you had a car accident and you had to stay in the hospital..." She pauses. "Her heart betrayed her Anna... I'm so sorry..."

Mel attempts to hold my shoulder but I grab it before it touches me and I leave it to her side. They both look terrified at my unexplainable reactions and I can almost hear them gulp awkwardly at the same time.

- "So... You're telling me that my mom died because of the uni. My mom, the person I was talking on the phone last night. Because of the university. That's what you're telling me."

- "They didn't know that it was a secret, Anna. You didn't inform them to keep their mouth shut, but no-one is judging you because you are going through too much these days and both you and Alex are still injured.", Melanie tries to comfort me but something inside me has broken.

I never answer. I shake my head and approach Alex, kissing him on the forehead. I stare at him for a couple of minutes without saying a word and then I head to the exit. I'm so calm, even I scare myself too.

- "I have to go... Call me if anything new happens with Alex... Or come visit, I don't really care. I'm staying at Paul Lander's mansion for the holidays. I haven't told you yet, but, guess what, I don't care about that either. Nothing matters anymore. So... Keep strong Kate. Alex will wake up eventually. Have a nice day, girls.", I start blabbering, my words not making any sense to me, but Mel stops me.

- "Anna... are you okay?"

- "Do I look okay to you?", I bang the door and I leave them speechless, with a wondering look on their faces.

I take the elevator and head to the canteen to find Paul. He's talking on the phone, drinking some kind of energy drink, but as soon as he sees me coming, he quickly ends the phone call.

- "You are fast. How's Alex? Any news?", he asks, not aware of the fact that I'm in total shock.

- "He's stable. Please take me back home. Or for a walk. I don't care. But please, take me somewhere else, except for here.", I command blankly. Paul frowns worried and stands up immediately.

- "Is something wrong? I know that look. Hey." He holds my chin up, so that we can have eye contact. I can't cry. I have no tears, but I can feel that my eyes are red.

- "Take me... home... Paul... Please." My voice is low and with no second thought, we walk quickly to his car and he starts driving to a location I've never been before.

- "I'm taking you to a very peaceful place, where me and Richard usually chill when we want to keep distance from the rest of the world. It's a small cottage at a hill, not too far from the mansion, property of Richard. You are in need of fresh air."

- "Thanks."

I have no strength to begin a conversation. How am I supposed to express something that painful? My mom's dead. I can't process what I've just heard. I deny that it's true. It can't be true. She was perfectly fine last night. Why did this happen? Why?

Paul parks his car and I silently get out of the car, not looking at him and I spot a wooden bench some metres far from the cottage. There's snow everywhere and a beautiful view of west Berlin spreads in front of us. Silence. I sit carefully on the bench and Paul joins me, rubbing his hands and putting them in his jacket's pockets. I'm shaking and the minus degrees are not the reason.

- "Nobody can hear us now, little one. Tell me what bothers you. I promise I won't tell anyone, if that's what you want.", he says calmly, bit slightly worried. He looks nervous.

- "I, uh...-", I start but it's too hard to resist crying. Who am I trying to fool? I'm not strong. It feels like someone stabbed me multiple times in the heart. I lean on Paul's shoulder and I burst into uncontrollable crying. Paul remains silent, in shock, not sure what to do, but as soon as the first tears fall, he takes me in his arms, caressing my hair.

- "Anna..."

- "My mom's gone, Paul... She died today.", I explain between sobs and Paul gasps.

- "Oh no, no, no... How? Why?"

- "The university informed her about my accident... Her heart couldn't take it... She was vulnerable anyway for more than 5 years..."

- "I'm so sorry Anna... I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if there's anything consulting to be said at situations like this... It sucks in any way you see it."

- "I want to die, Paul...!", I snap. "I feel like  my heart is stabbed and ripped out my chest! How will I ever live without her? I'm too young to not have a mother! She hasn't seen me graduating, getting married, having grandchildren... She still had things to experience! How will she do these things if she's dead?", I nearly shout, but he hugs me tighter and kisses me twice on the head, his hands moving up and down my back.

- "Please try to calm down, Anna... You will not die, me, Richard, the guys, your friends, will not allow this to happen by no means, do you hear me? You matter. You are important to us, even if it sounds bizzare to be important to people you barely know." He moves his head and looks at my red from the tears face, wiping some away with his thumbs. "If there's anything I can do to help you feel better, I'll do it. Anything."

My lips and my nose are freezing from the cold but I don't care at all. The soft wind blows my hair and in combination with Paul's really kind and loving words,  I manage to calm down for a moment. I exhale heavily and another tear escapes.

- Call Richard. Tell him to come here. I need him more than anything right now."