Toxic [Richard Kruspe]

Break down

I rush into my room and bang the door so loudly, that it could possibly come off its place. My chest pumps heavily and I sit on my bed, hiding my face into my palms. I hate them all so much. In such a sad day, bullshit never ends. The neighbors and total strangers have the audacity to blame me for my mother's death. Who? Me! They don't even know the whole story for God's sake! I... I need to calm down but nothing seems to work.

I open one of my desk's drawers fretfully and I grab a pair of scissors. If they think that I'm capable of killing someone, the perfect way to prove them right is to actually kill. And it's going to be them. Every single one.

I examine the scissors thoroughly, until the door opens. Richard and Andy walk in my room and I give them a deadly, dazed look, causing them to back off.

- "Leave me alone. Both of you.", I order blankly, staring at the scissors.

- "Anna...", Andy starts. "Why do you need the scissors?"

- "The scissors? Uh, yeah, I'll kill them all.", I play them on my fingers and Richard comes closer hesitantly.

- "Sweetie... Put the scissors down. Your mind is under some serious shock and you need to calm."

- "If you have a more effective way to deal with this madness, please enlighten me! I'm all ears!", I shout at him and he walks one more step closer. Andy is staring at us from a safe distance.

- "Cry."

- "I'm done crying. I have no more tears left. And that's some horrible advice by the way."

- "It's better than a murder, that's for sure.", he touches the scissors and kneels down, holding my chin so as to look at me. "Come on, Anna. You're better than this. And most certainly, better than all of these idiots out there. Give me the scissors."

I keep my mouth shut and I loosen my hold on the scissors, handing them to Richard, who places them back in the drawer. I burst into tears, not being able to look at him, full of embarassment. He sits next to me and hugs me tightly. I'm trembling from head to toe and his hands are moving up and down my back, tenderly. I feel like I've hit bottom and there's no lower level to sink.

- "I can't do this Richard, I can't... This is too much... I can't handle it..." I sob in his chest and he mumbles in my ear.

- "You can do anything you want. You have me, Andy, your aunt. We'll help you get through this..." He turns at Andy. "Please go to the living room and ask everyone to leave. The situation is tough. And call an ambulance for God's sake. The woman has to be examined by a coroner. She can't stay in the house longer."

- "Yes, yes, I'll tell my mom. I'll catch up with you later.", Andy announces solemnly and exits my room.

- "I feel dead, Richard... How will I ever get over the sight of seeing her lifeless?", I ask as soon as Andy leaves.

- "I wish I had a solid answer to your question.", he sighs. "But as a person who left his house at the age of 15 leaving his mother, I'll tell you this." I raise my eyes at him, waiting. "It gets better. It always does. And you'll achieve this with love. It may not be the same, but consistent showing of love will ease the pain much more easily. That's my angle, at least."

- "That's..."

- "Stupid?"

- "No. Brilliant. Brilliant, yet impossible. The idea of love doesn't make me feel less dead.", I wipe my tears but they keep flowing and Richard kisses my forehead.

- "Nothing is impossible if you put enough effort to achieve it."

**********

°°°°°°°°°°
- "I'll be there girl, don't worry."

- "I appreciate it so much that you'll do such a long trip for me."

- "Are you kidding? You're my best friend! Of course I'm going to be there! My flight is scheduled for early in the morning by the way."

- "Okay... The funeral is going to be tomorrow at 12... Richard will come and pick you from the airport."

- "Richard's there? How? Why? Anna... What are you hiding?"

- "It's a long story, Mel and definitely not the right time to discuss further. We'll talk tomorrow, goodnight."

- "Goodnight. Stay strong and breathe. We are all here for you."
°°°°°°°°°°

I hung up the phone and I address to aunt Jenna. She's probably the most likeable relative of mine and the most convivial to cope with. I haven't talked to her in person for like, two years. With sadness covering her facial futures, she walks up and down the hospital's hallway.

- "What did the coroner diagnose?"

- "The obvious Anna... She passed away due to a cardiac arrest. Her chronic heart condition just popped up and there was pretty much nothing that could have been done."

- "I'm more than certain that I'll never overpass this.", I lean on the wall.

- "It's totally normal and acceptable to grieve as long as you want... She's your mother after all... And my cousin. God, we've been together since our childhood... The pain is unbearable.", she comments and holds my shoulder. "Me and Andy will be by your side whenever you need us. We may not be that close, but you are still our family at the end of the day."

- "Thank you so much aunt Jenna...", I thank her woefully. "What about the funeral? Have you..."

- "Yes, I've already planned everything for tomorrow. I knew that you wouldn't be able to deal with this due process for obvious reasons, so I got in charge."

- "I feel like I owe you the world... One thank you isn't enough." I spot Andy coming from the other side of the hallway, holding a plastic cup.

- "Here, take this." He hands me the cup and I smell the content. "It's green tea. I thought that it would help you calm somehow. You scared the hell out of me earlier."

- "I didn't mean to. My mind got blurry and I couldn't think logically." I sip on the tea and I grimace. "Ugh, if only this tasted better."

- "Fortunately, you look sane to me at the moment, that's a good sign." His fingers go through his ginger hair and his eyes observe around the morgue section. "Hey, uhm, are you in for a walk? Just the two of us."

- "Walking? Now? I don't know...", I hesitate.

- "Come on. We'll walk through the park one block away from here. We haven't talked for a really long time, so missing this opportunity...", he insists.

- "Fine.", I surrender and head to the elevator hobbling with my crutches. "After all, I've missed you."

- "Me too." He follows me and keeps an eye on me, in case I trip. "Besides, I'm curious about your life. So much mystery that remains unsolved."