Toxic [Richard Kruspe]

'The' moment

I catch him right when he was about to fall. He looks like a mess, his clothes are wet and judging by his facial expressions, he seems miserable. Like somebody hurt his feelings in the worst way possible. I close the door and help him move to my bedroom.

- "Anna who is it?", I hear Melanie asking from the living room.

- "It's Richard! And he doesn't look so good..."

- "Tell her to leave for some hour... I-I don't want her to see me like this... It'll scare her.", Richard whispers raising his head up to look at me and I nod 'okay' hesitantly.

- "Hey Mel! Would you mind if you gave us some privacy? We are in trouble and this will take a while.", I shout from my bedroom while leaving Richard carefully on the edge of my bed.

- "Say no more sis! I'll go discover the city by night! Take as much time as you need!"

- "Oh before you go, take my keys, they are on the shelf next to the door!"

- "Got it."

I hear Melanie putting her shoes on, and the sound of the keys on her hands. As soon as I ensure that the house is empty, I close my bedroom's door and I lock the windows, so as to make sure that no rain will pass through the ledge. After I turn on the reading lamp, I sit next to Richard, not quite brave for what is about to come. I clear my throat, trying to look cool.

- "I'm pretty sure that something very serious happened, depending on the fact that you broke your promise on quitting drinking, so I'm ready to hear it."

My heart is beating so fast, that it'll possibly pop out of my chest if he doesn't speak in the next 10 seconds. He can't even look at me in the eyes.

- "Anna... I think we should stay apart... And we have to do it now."

Getting my heart ripped off my body would be the perfect thing to happen at the moment. I blink my eyes, not quite sure of what I just listened.

- "Ah..., I'm sorry, what?"

- "I wish I would have chosen a better time to tell you this, but it can't be postponed any longer..."

His voice sounds rough and the words can hardly be pronounced, without the sense of a hidden sob. I blame his behavior to the alcohol, so I try to think clear and remain calm. I hold his hand and blankly stare at the stuffed animals, placed on the shelves under my desk.

- "I want you to look me in the eyes and say it again. That's how I will know that you actually mean it."

- "I can't... I'm sorry...", he states with a grimace I can't decode. That's when I start getting annoyed.

I ignore my hurt leg and my arm and I kneel down in front of him. I hold his chin up and he finally looks at me. Oh God I've never seen him so vulnerable, it's so hard to find a way to understand all this.

- "What happened, Richard. I deserve an honest answer."

- "All I can say is that I don't deserve you..."

- "Don't you love me?", I frown. "Because I do. A lot."

His facial futures sharpen and he bursts into tears, letting all the pain flow out of his system. I go back to my seat next to him and hug him tightly, feeling him softly rest his head against my chest, hiding his face. His tears are wetting my PJs, but I don't care. Caressing his hair, I insist on wanting an answer, in a softer tone this time.

- "Baby... are you sure you want to end this? Have you thought this through? What lead you to make this decision?"

- "I don't want to end this... I'm so sorry... I just feel the need to do so, as you've suffered enough from me and I don't want you to suffer more...", he mumbles.

- "On which 'suffering' do you refer? On the kidnapping and the accident? I already forgave you for these... The first one was unacceptable, yet you weren't on a sober state of mind. As for the second... We've already said that it wasn't your fault."

- "Still, I can't shake the guilt... There are so many other things that you don't know... Fuck, I hate myself!", he exclaims and I hold him closer to me, in an attempt to calm him down.

- "Richard calm down and listen to me! Whatever else happened, I don't care! I love you for being you! Anything besides my love, is simply out of my interest, do you understand me?"

A moment of silence remains in between us and he sits up on the bed, wiping away his tears, still shaking. He looks down, blatantly broken inside.

- "Do you mean it?..."

- "I'm not a hypocrite and most definitely, I never was, when it came to love."

- "Anna-"

My lips stop him from saying anything else, catching him off guard. I can feel his sob through the kiss, but I extinguish it, as I curl up in his arms. I put my hand on his chest and I sense his fast heartbeat slowing down, while he lies me back on the bed, crawling on top of me. His fingers touch my skin under my shirt and he slowly lifts it up, revealing my bare upper body. Same thing happens with the rest of our clothing and we stay naked in each other's arms, being held up by the intensity of this beautiful moment.

The rain droplets on the window is the only sound that keeps us company, besides the mumblings and the silent moans, while we make love. I can't think of anything else at the moment, neither the plaster casts, nor the inner pain I suffered through the day; just the warmness of his body, while he moves his hands all over mine, on my chest, inside my thighs, through my hair, being careful with my hurt parts. His kisses are tender but passionate enough to tingle every inch of my being. I thought I would be nervous, I expected the perfect timing, but apparently no perfect timing exists when you've been holding back your natural instincts for God knows how long.

I feel him inside me and I gasp from the sudden sense. My hands move like crazy against his skin, I don't know where to put them first, with this overwheming feeling of the upcoming orgasm. Our foreheads touch after we both finish and we breathe heavily. Richard finally smiles bright, all sweaty and exhausted, causing me to smile too, and he cups my cheeks, kissing me again softly. His voice is low and his breath tickles my neck.

- "I love you baby girl. I always will."