Toxic [Richard Kruspe]

Just hold me

- "I'll let him now that we are here, but first, let's go in the house. If we stay longer in the cold, we'll freeze to death."

I agree with Paul's suggestion and I walk into the cottage with his support around my arms. The whole place is wooden and not as huge as Paul's mansion; in fact, it includes only the necessary facilities, just like my dorm: one bathroom, a kitchen, a large bed, a small living room with a fireplace and a balcony. It has a heart warming feel and aesthetic, that I can't explain. No wonder how Paul and Richard use this place to chill. It's quiet and peaceful.

I lie on the bed in an attempt to reduce my growing headache, but it has no results. With my side eye vision, I spot Paul texting Richard and afterwards, he carries some logs to light the fireplace.

- "I hope you don't mind me lighting the fire. It's essential, actually.", he soliloquizes and a couple of moments later, he manages to light the fire. I touch my forehead frowning from the pain and I close my eyes. He joins me in bed, sitting on my side.

- "My life is so fucked up.", I pop in.

- "I see no reason why you believe this. You have your health, love, support...", he tries to consult me but out of nowhere, I smirk.

- "My health? Really? Have you seen me lately?", I giggle sadly, and Paul follows.

- "Oh, I nearly forgot that.", he touches my foot. "But look at the bright side, I made you laugh."

- "Bad timing for laughing. I'm in pain. Wait, worse! I feel empty. Have you ever felt so empty, that you almost believed you don't even exist?"

- "Me? No, luckily not. But it saddens me so much hearing that you feel this way..."

We hold hands and we look eachother in the eyes. I love Paul. He's one of the most amazing friends someone can have. I can literally feel the tension between us, the unexpected friendship growing like a tree. I owe him so much for staying here with me, doing his best to ease my pain.

- "Paul?" I end the silence.

- "Huh?"

- "Thank you. For everything. For letting me stay at your place, rooting for me and Richard, comforting me at my worst... You need more credit for your kindness than anyone else gives you."

I stand up on the bed and hug him. He hugs me back, kissing my shoulder. My instinct was right. A strong friendship is being born.

- "It's nothing, actually. You make my friend happy, you saved him and at the same time, you saved all of us, the band. Without you, we probably wouldn't have Richard with us now. But besides these, I like you very much as a person in general, so... yeah."

Paul sounds nervous and messes up some of his words, due to my unexpected showing of love. I caress his back and lean back to the pillows.

- "Right back at you.", I comment and right when he's about to add something, Richard rushes into the cottage almost breathless and comes closer to me. Paul steps back to give us some space.

- "What happened? I came as fast as possible."

- "I'd better give you privacy to talk alone. See you later guys.", Paul winks at us and exits the house.

- "Okay man, later, thanks.", Richard waves quickly and lies next to me, taking off his shoes and jacket. He leans slightly over me and turns my face to him. Seeing him so worried and anxious, makes me want to cry again, but I resist the urge, at least for now. "Your eyes are red, baby... What is going on? Did something happen to Alex?"

- "Alex is still stable, luckily... But my mother isn't... Melanie and Alex's girlfriend informed me that she died this morning..."

- "Oh my God, no... How did this happen?" Richard snaps shocked.

- "She had a heart attack... Someone from the university exposed me and told her about the car crash by accident... And she couldn't help it..."

I'm in such a vulnerable state of mind, I can't control the tears that stream down my face once again. Richard comes closer and hugs me, placing kisses on my wet cheeks and wiping away as many of my tears as possible.

- "I'm so sorry sweetie... I have no words..."

- "I'm alone, Richard... Without her, I'm non existent... She was the only closest family member I had.", I sob.

- "I'm your family now. Me, the band, your friends... we are here for you. And someday, I'll be happy to announce that you'll be my permanent family, if you know what I mean. But now, I need you to breathe." He talks softly in my ear and I inhale, my body shaking from the crying.

- "I love you Reesh... Don't leave me...", I whisper in his arms and he caresses my hair.

- "I'd never do that. What crossed your mind?"

- "Your habits are scaring me... You are drinking a lot... You are smoking too much... I won't take it if I lose you as well... Please quit them... I need you."

- "I'll make a start with drinking. It's kinda easier... I don't want to lose you either, so I'll give it a try. Now relax. I'm here."

- "Hm.", I mumble and I close my eyes.

- "Is there anything I can do to ease your pain? Say it and it's yours."

I pause.

- "Just hold me. I need to feel you close to me."

Richard pulls the blankets on us and I curl into his hug. Seconds later, I sense his lips on mine, kissing me softly and tenderly. This might be the sweetest kiss he has ever given to me. I hurt so much, but this feeling never fails to calm me down. When we part our lips, my eyes remain closed and he leans his head on mine, fondling my hair and kissing my forehead. We stay quiet for a couple for minutes.

- "Later in the afternoon, we'll go back to the mansion and pack. Tonight we are flying to London. As I said, I'm not leaving you. I'll be by your side at the funeral."