Toxic [Richard Kruspe]

New Year's Eve (Part 2)

I haven't realized that we've been kissing for more than four minutes. Christoph is not as demonstrative as Richard, but more gentle and his touch on my cheeks is like a feather. What the hell am I thinking? He's Schneider! Not Richard.

I pull off the kiss and our faces remain very close to each other. Christoph's eyes are closed and they slowly open, looking hesitantly into mine.

- "What did we do...?"

- "I think that was pretty obvious.", he exhales nervously.

- "But-but we can't do that... We're friends... You are Richard's friend... And I'm his girlfriend... This is so..."

- "Wrong?", he makes a guess.

- "Yes... This is wrong from any angle you analyze it."

Christoph cups my cheeks and touches his forehead with mine. He seems so confused, his voice sounds quivery.

- "I know it's wrong... But it feels so right at the same time. At least this is how I feel, even though I'm inexcusable to do something like this behind my best friend's back."

- "I think I know an possible excuse. Or maybe two."

- "You do?"

- "Either this is the alcohol's fault, or you have feelings for me. What is it?"

My heartbeat is fast and I'm afraid that Richard and Paul will get in the house in any second. Christoph takes long to answer, which causes serious damage to my self control.

- "Tequila was a booster for the inevitable Anna. I'm in love with you."

I clench my eyes, trying to push away the dizzyness, that definitely didn't come from the tequila. This is so unexpected, I feel my brain has stopped working permanently. Schneider is in love with me. This is bad. This is so, so bad.

- "I need to sit. I-I really do."

- "We already do, actually.", Christoph nods and I realize that he's right. We've been making out on a sofa for the past four minutes. When did that happen? Fuck. I pass my fingers through my hair.

- "We can't tell Richard. If we do, it will kill him. Promise that this was a one time thing and meant nothing?"

- "It meant to me.", he states sadly. Now I feel bad.

- "You're not helping, Christoph. This is serious."

- "I'm serious too, even though it's kinda hard to convince you, still wearing this.", he says and takes off the wig, throwing it on the coffee table in front of us. "It's better to live with regrets, than repulsed desires. I regret being such a dick behind Richard's back, but I don't regret kissing you, nor feeling this way. I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is."

I stay silent, his words on replay in my mind. I'm so confused. He has the right to do whatever he feels like doing. But it's not only his fault, to be fair. I kissed him back. For a long, long time. Why the hell am I acting like this? I'm fully aware that I love Richard, and only Richard. But this kiss isn't a way to prove my feelings. It's an easy way for anyone to prove that I'm a slut. A huge, heartless slut, who cheated on her boyfriend. I hate myself so much for doing this.

We both stare at the fireplace for a while, when Christoph pops up.

- "If you don't feel the same way as I do, why did you return the kiss?"

- "I don't know.", I reply blankly.

- "Don't you love Richard?"

- "I do, of course I do.", I state quickly. "Honestly, you were my second favourite band member/crush. But not in a such romantic way, like Richard. Kissing you back felt good, but also gave me a new name." He frowns questionly. "Anna, die puta."