Be With Me

Chapter 48

James got out of the bed and searched for Rafaela. He found her in the living room, near the window and staring at something. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear him coming in and he knew, without having to confirm it, that she was staring at the pool. Without saying a word to her, he went to the kitchen and poured a bowl of cereals and sat at the table. The sun coming inside the window was stinging his eyes, but he wasn't bothered by it. He was thinking it had been the first night since Liam's death that he had slept with Rafaela in the same bed and figure out how far apart they were becoming. Then, he remembered her figure near the window. Yes, he had spent many times there as well, when she wasn't home, and he was wondering what she was doing or wondering why Liam didn't shout for help. Rafaela was mentally making the same questions for sure. The thought brought tears to his eyes and he wanted to drink, he wanted to drink it all away, but there was no beer around the house since she had downed it all on the sink the previous night.

When finished he came back to the living room and there Rafaela heard him and turned her head to look at him, she looked surprised to have seen him and he approached her.

"I didn't hear you." She said.

"You were distracted." He told her.

Everything between them was now was so weird. It even seemed weird to have her there when he woke up, the little hours he slept anyway for she would usually be away already. Rafaela puffed and ran a hand over her hair, she looked desperate to be there. He was just realizing that. Her eyes were swollen. She was so thin... he hadn't noticed how thin she looked. She had lost so much weight. Maybe she was right, maybe he was neglecting her. Rafaela looked broken down and he was noticing it that very moment.

"Is it that bad to be here?" He asked her but without that accusing tone he used to use before, before she had explained why she couldn't be there not even for five seconds.

"I can't stand it." She whispered. Rafaela's eyes watered and he went to her. James grabbed her hand and pulled her to him, and she wrapped her arms around his waist. "It's horrible, it suffocates me." She cried.

"I'm going to have a shower and we're going out." He said. Rafaela let go of him and looked in his eyes.

"Really?" She asked him full of hope things could turn out well after all. At least some hope.

"Yes. I promised you something, you said last night you were going to force me to do it today, so we're going out and we're going to look for a house." He told her.

"I just want you to know that it's nothing with you. It's just the place and what it represents now James..." She explained once more for she knew he could take things to a whole different level when triggered by fear and insecurity.

"I know Rafi..." He breathed.

"It's just that I even feel his smell here. I don't want to forget him, Jesus that's not even possible... I just want to be away from here. I think it's easier for both of us if we leave. We're falling apart James; we're completely growing apart ..." He knew she was right. They were falling apart individually and growing further away as a couple and he didn't want that. He wanted her in his life.

"I love you." He stated.

"I love you too, but that's not what's at stake is it?" James shook his head. "Thing is we're dealing with this completely differently; I am away all the time and you are here and it's not right. I don't want to lose you too... We have to find a way that it works for both of us."

"We're going to go through this." He said. "I'm going to take a shower now and then we'll go." James turned around but she grabbed his hand.

"Thank you." She said.