It's Complicated (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter Forty-eight

Congrats Josiah for your wedding!!

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, sorry it took longer than usual!

I run out of his apartment and back home, crying the entire way. I reach home and just hug my mother tightly. We don't speak words and she doesn't press me with questions. She just holds me. That's all I ever wanted.

I lean my head against the inside of the door of my room and close my eyes.

What did I just do? I walked away from the love of my life. Why?

Because I'm afraid.

I know he's been with other girls. I know how perfect of a person he is. How much I'm not. How he can get practically any girl in the world. How he kept this from me for so long. He was never going to be honest and tell me. 

I feel like my life is a lie.

I can't help but be amazed by his fame. How was I so oblivious before? It was always the little things- Like how he wore sunglasses all the time in public, the constant passion for music, the cameras and fans who as for autographs.

Heck, when he met me, he thought I was a fan. That's why he asked if I wanted a picture!

It's kind of incredible. What are the odds of him getting this famous though? Like in the top 3 international artists in the world? That's incredible!

Okay I'm supposed to be mad.

I laugh sadistically. I really am stupid. I fell for someone and trusted them completely and now what? I feel empty inside. I wonder if he feels the same?

Probably not.

Shawn P.O.V.

I just let her slip through my fingers. How stupid can I be? I tug on my hair anxiously. I just don't understand. She's always understanding and hears me out. I just-

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

After such an intimate moment with her, this happened. It was wrong for me to hide the truth even though she trusted me, but the way she reacted was.. I don't know how to explain it.

It was like she was afraid of something. I tried telling her there was nothing to be afraid of. Sure i've been with other girls, even had one night stands with them, but she was different.

She is different. 

It's not that im not grateful for everything. So many people have to strive so hard to find crumbs to live, and here I am living comfortably.

At first it was fun. The excitement of fame, how I went from a shy little boy to be plastered on newspapers. But then, the appeal faded away. I became so well known that I required bodyguards for everything. They took away the grace and privacy out of everything.

I longed to just walk on the streets, feel the rain on my face and hear the pitter patter against the sidewalk. 

Every single move I made would never go undetected. I was put on strict rules to the point where I couldn't even live my own life anymore. Every move I would make was told to me prior to the action.

Women would throw themselves at me in hopes to live in luxury and freedom all their life. Often against my will, women were strung onto me in hopes of increasing my reputation. They all had that golddigger look in their eyes, like I was some sort of prize they wanted to win so badly.

I had tried to numb myself with trying to busy myself with one of them, form some kind of deeper connection. They all just wanted sex for the namesake, and moved on to someone richer and more famous.

The media just acted as if they owned everyone, fighting one another to be the top. They slapped girlfriends with people I've hardly ever met and fight each other to come up with the most believable story.

Because of this, I've lost myself. I couldn't seem to find what to do with myself. I felt like a puppet in the hands of everyone.

I've lost everything important to me, my friends, my family, and most importantly, my identity.

I desperately fought to find love. I soon realized that real love is almost nonexistent in this world. So I sang about fictional feelings i've never actually felt before. True love is rare and practically nonexistant, so I had to pretend I had it all.

I had to portray the thought that money brings you happiness. It didn't bring happiness, not for me.

I left to take a break from it all. I was exhausted from pretending to be someone I wasnt. I wanted to be alone to find myself again, the real me. 

When I was alone, I remembered the little things that made life worthwhile despite all. The sound of the waves crashing into the shore, the birds chirping every morning and the chaotic mornings of people hurrying to their everyday lives.

Then I met her. While anyone who knew me would keep my wallet and credit cards, she returned it to me. She didn't even know who I was despite the fact that I forgot my sunglasses in my apartment. Heck, she didn't even want a picture with me. It was refreshing.

I fell for her, and I don't regret that. I wish I had told her my secret sooner, then maybe I wouldn't feel so broken. 

I understand her. She doesn't want to be involved with all that media and fame. I don't want to either. I don't want to ruin her by placing her in the spotlight. I will not let her become another puppet in the game of fame and money. I think it's better for her if she stays far away from me.

It's been days since we last spoke. I found myself wishing she would text or call me so we could talk about anything and everything together. I found myself picking up my phone and opening her messages, rereading them over and over again. Every so often my finger would hover around the keys and I would type a message, only to delete it again.

I keep telling myself this distance is good, that now I won't be distracted when I go back. I know I'm just lying to myself. I need her in my life.

I grab my suitcases and my bodyguards grab my 7 guitars and put them in the trunk. I can't believe I'm leaving without even saying goodbye.

The entire flight I try to watch movies but my mind keeps wandering. I pull out my phone and look through my gallery, smiling a little. She is so beautiful-both physically and at heart. I fiddle with the ring she gave me. I've never taken it off since she gave it to me.

I exit my private plane and head home. Home. I'm excited to see my family. It's been so long.