BorderZ

41.

I am vaguely aware of my surroundings. I am aware of being in a small bed. Much smaller than what I have become accustomed to. I feel pins stuck beneath the skin of my arms. I am also painfully aware of the pain radiating through my body. I feel numb. I'm unable to move. trapped in this bed. My head is pounding still. I also feel sharp burns on my body, but I can't pinpoint the exact location of them.

I attempt to open my eyes yet; it proves to be unsuccessful. I want to shout out my frustration and pain, but nothing comes up. My body is refusing to cooperate.

Where am I?

Am I at the hospital again?

The events prior to me landing here, flash in my mind and it causes me to shudder. I was in a car crash. I saw everything as it happened. My body frozen in time. Is the other driver okay? Are they hurt, alive? I want to sob at the possibility that they might be dead. I could've killed someone. What if it was a family I ruined? Tore apart? Killed?

God, please don't let it be true.

I hear a loud beeping sound. Had it been there the entire time? Suddenly I hear voices and scurrying. I am still unable to move my eyes or my mouth. Everything is numb. The beeping increases and someone starts calling my name. I want to reply but I can't. This causes frustration and despair to curl around me. Why won't my body listen to me? I'm screaming and shouting and crying on the inside, but I know nothing is happening on the outside.

After I had calmed myself down and everyone had stopped moving frantically and I tried to focus more on my surroundings. I only heard a soft voice that sounds very familiar. It's Zayn, he's here. I want to hold him and feel his touch. I want to cry and let him console me. I want him to tell me I haven't killed anyone.

I know I wasn't in the wrong. My light was green. In fact, I always wait a few seconds before moving from a green light, just to ensure I don't crash into someone who was speeding across without stopping. I am always careful. I know the light was green. That wouldn't stop me from feeling guilt if something had happened to the other driver, or God forbid, a family. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I really hope they are okay.

"She could be pregnant mom." I hear the gruff voice of my husband and I want to cry. No. No. No. I can't be pregnant, can I? I want to lift my hand to my stomach yet again, it doesn't move. For the millionth time today, I want to scream out my frustrations.

It would explain the fainting and the dizziness, pair that with the fact that Zayn and I had been sleeping together almost religiously. I could be pregnant. I could be carrying another life inside of me. It's not impossible. What if the car crash has killed the baby inside of me, if there ever was one? Now my brain feels heavy with the thought. A baby? Could I be pregnant? I want to say no because I have been on the shot, but I know nothing is 100% effective.

Am I ready for a baby? Are we ready for a baby?

Certainly not. Not while I still have threats looming over my head. But if I really have a baby growing inside me, I would have to be ready. Whether I liked it or not. If I am pregnant, I have been starving this baby to the point where my body collapsed. It hasn't even been born yet, and I'm a horrible mother already.

There you go again...

I'm overthinking again. It's not even definite that I am pregnant. There's no need to panic. I repeat the words like a mantra to soothe my ever-overthinking brain. I don't know anything yet. I need to stress less. I lie awake for I don't know how long till I'm drifting off once again. My eyes not once opening. My body still incapable of moving.

I'm awake after a few hours, I presume. My eyes are still too heavy to open but I have become accustomed to that by now. The room feels really quiet. I suspect I am alone in the room. Where is Zayn? Had he left? I hope he has been taking care of himself. I'm going to be in so much trouble when I wake up here. I want to smile at the thought. I know my possessive and overprotective caveman of a husband probably lost his marbles when he heard of my accident. I will never ever hear the end of this. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he forbids me to ever drive or leave the house again.