Kaun Hain Tu Mera? - SidNaaz

~THIRTY ONE~

Sidharth was awake. He couldn't sleep. Not with her crying in his arms the way she was. She was dying of guilt. The way he held her didn't feel soulful. It didn't feel like he did it from his heart. She sobbed softly, whispering apologies constantly. She realised that not everyone would understand why such a little thing affected them both that much. Why it shook their relationship.

The foundation of their relationship was dependence, love, trust and understanding. They fell in love in the process of healing each other. Or loving each other healed them. They were so unabashedly and shamelessly in love and it was their need, their wretched and forlorn need for each other that made their relationship what it was. There was never a point of no return between them. They always loved each other back to life.

He was broken. Not because someone had the power to break him, Raani specifically. She wasn't even a relevant part of his life. She was nothing. She was absolutely nothing. He had the power to break himself. And he used it. He was strong for too long. Dirt was thrown at him, he was accused of selling his body. Of misconduct, of hitting and abusing people, women especially. It bruised him. He was stripped of his self-respect, his dignity, his profession, a life that he built up, a reputation he built for himself, with his tireless efforts and work, and when nothing of that was left for him to grab onto, he let himself break, he willingly let go and he lost himself and then he ran. He ran away from that life. And he tried to start fresh. But the life he left behind haunted him.

Till Shehnaz came along. As his antidote. As a cure. And she picked up those broken pieces and held them together, tirelessly, day and night till every broken piece was put together and made whole. That's why he called her his life. So that afternoon, when she held onto Raani's hand and screamed at him, used the words 'gandh' and 'ghatiya' for him, he felt like she broke away from him and took his heart and soul along with her. Leaving him with nothing. With absolutely nothing.

He felt his stomach churn when she let out another sob and he quickly rid her out of his arms and walked out. He walked straight into the smoking room and lit up a cigarette, hurriedly. He brought it up to his lips and sucked in the smoke. It closed up his throat. It had been so long. He felt like he would stop breathing but he didn't stop smoking. One puff after another. He waited for her to come. Where was she? He closed his eyes and his upper body wheezed with every attempt to breath normally again. The cigarette was one fourth done. And then he gasped and the curtain finally opened. Was she standing outside all along? Waiting for him to become worse. He gasped again. She grabbed the cigarette out of his fingers and crushed it, putting it into the ashtray. He gasped for air again. There were silent tears flowing with her face, she stepped in between his legs, he half expected her to kiss him but he was foolish. She cupped the back of his head and leaned it upwards, he wheezed again.

"Chod." She whispered, making him let out a breath and brought the mouth of his pump to his lips. He covered it with his lips and she pressed down onto the tube. Once. Twice. And three times. Till he was breathing again normally. She wiped at his lips harshly, trying to clean the toxins away. He wanted to hold her but he let his arms hung loosely to his sides. She pressed an urgent and a tearful kiss to them, she pecked them repeatedly, her hands cradled his face, pushing his closed lips further into her, they puckered involuntarily and she let out another cry. He got up as soon as she pulled away and walked out. She followed after him. Good, he thought, the smoke inside would have been bad for her.

"Sidharth." She cried. And then grabbed his arm and let him drag her to the couch.

He sat down and moved his legs for her to walk through and sit down. She moved back and sat to the side, pulling her legs up to her chest.

"Kyun gaya?" She asked.

"Cigarette peena tha."

"Manaa haina? Kyun kar raha hain aisa?" She said softly.