Shehnaaz :
I woke up hearing muffled sniffling. The warmth I was engulfed in before falling asleep wasn't surrounding me no more. I rubbed my eyes looking around the still brightly lit room. It was almost 2:30 am. Sidharth wouldn't have left me like this though. I knew him well enough for that. The breakdown of had, he would never just walk away the moment I slept. I got up following the soft muffled sound. I was taken aback finding him in the corner of my balcony, completely drenched by the ongoing rain. His head was bent into his knees arms covering his face. "Sidharth?" I called not realizing how weak my voice sounded. He sobs softened down almost silencing as I made my way towards him, the gust of wind making me realize that I was still in my dress. "Tum theek ho? Yaha kyun aa gye?" I question further knowing well it wasn't a good idea to ask about why he's crying. His cigarette packet sat a few feet away, completely full and wet. A weird stench coming from the corner they lay in. I tried my best to ignore it knowing I had to get him inside first. "Sidharth? Please bolo?" I mumbled rubbing my hand against his forearm and the other along his back. He moved up looking at me with his bloodshot eyes. This wasn't good. It never was. I could almost see a kind of guilt eating him up inside.
Si - "Rohan ne tujhe maarne ki koshish ki?"
"Huh?.. y-yeeh k kisne bola... a-aisa kuc-kuch nhi hai. Kisne bola tujhe? " I fumble not able to grasp where and when he'd gotten this information. The pit in my stomach getting only larger as he continues to gaze at me with the fire in his eyes. "Sach bol. Nhi toh abhi Yaha se kood jaunga. I swear on my whole life Hell regret if he's done anything like that. Did he to-touch you?! Ba-Shehnaaz..."
S - "Nhi koshish ki thi lekin nahi.. aur abhi zinda hu na toh kya farak prta hai?"
Si - "Matlab maarne wali baat sach hai..... mujhe kabhi btaya kyun nhi tune? Khushal ko.. Jai ko? Baaz ko bhi nhi bola? Pills ne hum sab se ucha darza paa liya tumhari zindagi mein?"
"Tujhe btane aayi thi....." I whisper, soft enough to not be sure if he heard it. He looked at me completely bewildered. "Vaise nhi... jaise meri shehnaaz sab btati thi vaise. Kasam khila ke, chmaat maar ke. Kuch bhi krke bolti toh sahi."
S - "Woh haq tune hi liya tha mere se.An please andar chal. Already saara bheeg gya hai. Thand lag jayegi. Parso k baad bahana nhi chahiye mujhe. I want the truth."
Si - "I thought I cheated on you..."
I gasped softly inching my hand away from him. Cheated?! I took in a deep breath controlling the tears brimming my eyes at even the mention. What if he did and decided to never tell me? How many times could've that thought crossed his mind? When did he even manage to do so?! I was with him all the time....
of course. Just like mom says. The more control you try to put, the more the things get out of control. I didn't even have anything left to say to him for this. Had it been anything else I might've taken him back in a blink but Cheating?! That was against every single thing I held dear to me. In no way was I going to be someone who goes back to their cheating ex.
Si - "Kiya nhi... sirf thought. I know that doesn't make it better but I was drunk. I'm not using that as an excuse either. Nhi maaf kregi toh bhi kuch nhi kahunga. I deserve it. Every single bit of it for breaking the most beautiful thing I'd done in life because of things someone else put in my brain. She said I kissed her and the moment where I disappeared for an hour? I was trying to remember everything but it didn't work. Main nhi rakh skta tha tujhe aise relationship mein jaha mere cheat krne ki possibility ho. Sach ajj hi pta chala mujhe. The footage wasn't being given to me. Khushal ko bheja.. puch skti hai usse."
"Aarti?" I question crossing my fingers for his answer to be no but he nodded. A soft shake of the head. His eye now stuck to the water pattering against the metal rail. That was it. I didn't care if he did anything or not. She'd managed to break my relationship. The one man whose hand I held with pride had betrayed me. Completely. Not once believing me when I'd told him that this is what she wanted. He didn't stay away from her no matter how much I tried to make him do so. My tears however seemed to deny falling down my cheeks. Clouding my eyes instead. They were right when they said that once the heart gets too heavy with pain, people don't cry. They turn silent. Completely silent. No sobs, no whimpers. None of that. I felt him move closer pull me into his arms, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck letting his eyes deposit the tears from his eyes. But I felt empty. No butterflies,no jitters, no blush. Nothing. I was completely blank. A white sheet of paper that anyone can come write on or tear apart.
Si - "I'm sorry. I'm really really very sorry.. kasam se mujhe nhi pta tha woh aisa kregi. I thought she was a friend... main sirf tujhe chidane k liye uske paas jaata tha- "
"Chida liya? Le liya maza? Kya pagal samjha tha kya mujhe? Ki kuch bhi bhonk rahi hai, bhonkne do. Ek kaam se suni dusre se bahar. Itni baar Sidharth! Itni baar bola, request ki.. ki Sidharth mat jaya kr uske paas. Nhi achi vibe aati mujhe. Pr nhi meri toh jealousy thi. Tera woh word... haan territorial. Right. Woh thi na main? Royi, khudko peeta yeh sun sun ke. Har baar jab milti thi toh woh mujhe jealous kehti thi aur tum haste the. I was a bloody joke to you wasn't I?! Har baar khud hi decision lena hai, complete shut off krdiya sach jaane begair. We could've been together all this 5 years. Yeh baat ji tune aaj batayi, mujhe 6 saal se sune mil rahi hai. Not once did I even let it slip into how I treated you. But look at what you gave me in return... just perfect. Completely perfect. Get out of my room right now please. Just go. Fuck the second chance and you too. Jaa ussi ke paas. Mere nazdeek aane ki koshish bhi ki toh restraining order nikal wa dungi." I shriek getting off of the platform we sat on. I didn't care how hurt he was. Not even a bit. He'd made me numb. He was a cheater. I didn't care if he did it or not. The fact that he thought there was even a possibility for him to do that. I'd yearned first him... 5 damn years he was all I'd wanted. Just for him to return and now that he had I didn't want him. The reason being the lack of trust, the lack of knowing that I wasn't wrong for telling him to stay away from someone I knew was like that. I shivered, feeling the gust of wind against my bare back. This had to end.That was enough.
"Dhoondta Tha Ek Pal Mein
Dil Jise Ye Sau Dafaa
Hai Subah Naraaz Us
Bin Roothi Shaame Din Khafa
Woh Aayein Na, Le Jaayein Na
Haan Uski Yaadein Jo Hai Yahaan
Na Raasta, Na Kuchh Pataa
Main Usko Dhoondhunga Ab Kahaan
Main Dhoondne Jo Kabhi
Jeene Ki Wajah Nikla
Main Dhoondne Jo Kabhi
Jeene Ki Wajah Nikla
Pata Chala Ke Galat Leke
Main Pata Nikla"
Si - "Nhi jaunga. Pehle jaa kr dekh liya. Is baar firse krna para toh mar jaunga. I can't live like this... Mujhe meri life mein tu zaroori hai. Bohut zyada zaroori. I'm not going to leave"
S - "Tu saath raha toh main mar jaungi. This.... this can't happen anymore."
"Baby.... don't say that please. I'll do everything I can to revive myself. Bas chance Dede ek. 2 months? Nahi manaya toh jo krna hai kr skti hai Tu" he mumbled grabbing my arm, tight enough for me to not be able to pull away. I twisted my hand trying my best to wriggle it out but I knew too that I wouldn't work.
Si - "Shehnaaz please? Maine kuch nhi kiya... usne bola toh mujhe dar tha ki agar tujhe pta lga toh shayad dosti se bhi jayegi. Bhi socha maine tab.. I know I was wrong. Maanta hu main Pr I didn't want to loose you. Jab tu waha se sab kuch chhod k chli gyi... mujhe nhi pata main kaise ghar pahuncha tab. Jai ne dhunda aadhe raaste mein."
S - "Kaise bharosa karu dobara? Pehle tod diya na? Kya pta fir se tujhe koyi kuch keh de aur tu chla jye firse."
Si - "teri kasam nhi jaunga. Kabhi bhi nhi jaunga. Tu bole toh bhi"
"Mila jo tu yeha mujhey
Dilau me yaqeen tujhey
Rahu hokey tera sada
Bas itna chahta hu me
Hu besahara tere bina me
Tu jo na ho to me bhi nahii"
