I moved into my house after almost a complete month. Dadi, dadu sat right in the front yard, planting another batch of seeds into the garden they'd built. I walked over hugging the both of them before rushing inside, making sure my red eyes didn't show themselves enough to be noticed. I moved inside finding mom exactly where I knew she'd be. "Mumma?" I call, stopping the sentence until I got her attention. She looked up from the dishes she was arranging back into the cupboards, walking over to where I'd taken a seat on the counter.
Sm - "Call kr ke nhi aaya jaata terese? Abhi dekh kuch khilane ko bhi nhi hai. Aise murjhya sa chehra kyun bnna hai tera? Tujhe toh yeh hi chahiye tha na? Itni baar Royi tu iske liye"
"Abhi bhi chahiye... shayad. Kbhi kbhi Jab maangi huyi cheez mil jaati hai toh isko sambhal na nhi aata. Ya fir yeh pta chlta hai ki woh apko shayad chahiye hi nhi tha" I mumble voicing the thoughts I had hearing her words. I didn't need a filter with her. I never did. She smiled slightly pushing a glass of water into my hands.
Sm - "Itna bharosa toh hqi mujhe mere pe ki Maine tujhe yeh sikhaya hai ki agar koi maangi hoyi cheez milti hai toh usse vaapas jaane mat do. Kadar kro uski chahe sambhalni na bhi aaye lekin kadar krni chahiye puttar. Rishte sambhal na toh aaj tak Teri dadi ko bhi nhi aaya. Ladayi, galat fermi.. sab aaj tak hota hai unki zindagi mein. Tu toh bohut choti hai Abhi. Pyaar aur rishton mein ek baar agar jhuk bhi jao toh farak nhi parta. Khud ki respect krni Sikha usse lekin rishte ki respect tujhe bhi krni paregi. Ek Jan galti krega toh dusre ko maaf krna hi parta hai.
Nhi krna toh bta de, rishta chun k kal hi Viah krvadungi tera"
"Mom?! Viah se pehle hi bohut mushkil we chudwaya Maine Khud ko. Aap ki bhi pta
Hai ki agar Sidharth nhi toh-" I pause reflecting back on my own words and thoughts. Why in the world was I being so damn difficult?! Hurting myself much more than necessary. I smack my head against my hands realizing the blunder my mind and heart had created. What I wanted was right there and I... well I was too busy thinking about the cons.
Sm - "Pta hai, tabhi bheja vaapas. Nhi toh main toh muh-"
S - "Rehndo, aapne hi bola usse karan ke baare mein sab. Reporter kabse bne 'Amma aap?"
She smacked my head laughing along with me as I headed back upstairs grabbing my suitcase and filling it with clothes and everything else I'd need along with a separate bag containing everything I still had from the past, the pictures, jewelry, videos. Everything. I wanted to sit with him and reflect on all of it. Talk about things like we needed to. I quickly showered and changed into a simple white patiala suit deciding to stop by the gurudwara on the way back. I needed the bliss only provided there.
"Har Ehsaas Mein Tu Hai
Har Ek Yaad Mein Tera Afsaana
Do Lafzon Mein Yeh Bayaan Na Ho Paaye
Teri Meri, Meri Teri Prem Kahani Hai Mushqil
Do Lafzoon Mein Yeh Bayaan Na Ho Paaye"
I drive back towards his house stopping almost halfway in between to visit the gurudwara I usually went to. I hadn't even kept track as to when that usual turned into weeks later. I hated myself for depriving me Of the one thing that could solve each and every one of my conflicts. I stepped inside removing my shoes and pulling the duppata over my head. The sound of soft hymns rang in my ears as I moved down to the darbar. I kneeled before the paalki, letting out all my doubts the moment my head was bowed against the floor. It'd be fine. I felt so. I sat there for another 20 minutes before getting up and walking over to get karah Prasad for myself and Maa, Khushal and him as well. I left the darbar after praying for his recovery along with the recovery of what we shared or even Just a path towards it. I walk into his house putting my luggage against the sofa and visiting Maa in her room handing her Prasad before doing the same with Khushal, leaving getting back to him last. I knocked on the open door making sure he was awake before I made my way inside. I wouldn't bother him if he was still asleep. The knock not loud enough to wake him however he sat looked over the side of his blanket passing me a smile as I walked further inside.
Si - "Tujhe Knock krne ki zaroorat Nhi hai baby"
I gave him a slight nod forwarding the last of the Prashad into his mouth. He'd always liked the taste of it, joining me whenever I went mostly for the prashad only. "Samaan?" He questioned finishing up the last bite.
S - "Bahar, living room mein. Upar Maa ke paas rakh lungi."
Si - "yaha bhi ruk skti hai... mtlb raat mein zaroorat padhi toh upar se kaise.."
S - "koi na, living room mein so jaungi. Yaha paas bhi hai."
"Mere room mein ruk ne se problem hai? Sofe pe hi sona hai toh yaha bhi hai. Main vaise bhi kuch kr Nhi skta" he mumbled reaching over for water. He was right.. kind of. I'd freak out every hour of the night if I slept too far away, one of the reasons I considered staying.. but I also couldn't- shouldn't sleep in his room. "Sidharth yeh baad mein decide krlenge, Abhi tujhe rest krna chahiye, lunch pe utha dungi" I say trying my best to simply avoid the conversation. He nodded shifting slightly towards me.
Si - "Kuch Maanguga toh karegi?"
I hum in response not sure as to what his extreme ask really could be. I also knew I'd probably end up doing it, liking it too. He called me over to sit closer to where his head lay. "Pehle ki tarah sula degi? Please? Aise neend nhi aayegi" he said the expression on his face enough to tell me that the exasperation was true. I'd been thinking why he was still up myself not knowing that he hadn't even fell asleep properly. I give him a nod moving my self to sit in plant of his pillow letting his head rest in my lap, cuddled into my stomach. I made sure the injured arm and leg lay proper against the pillows I'd set for them before. My hand soon enough entangled into his hair, driving him into slumber and the few doubts that were left right out of my mind. This is where I wanted to be. Where I officially felt home... even years after the last time I'd visited.
