"Tune usse footage kyun di thi?! What if she watched it when I wasn't there? Ek baar baat bhi nhi krti woh Jaane she pehle. Khushal please mujhe yeh khud se krne de." I exclaim moving into his room. He sat up in bed, Jasmine already beside him clearly indulged in conversation.
Si - "I-I'm sor"
K - "koi baat nhi bhai, hum vaise bhi sanu ki baat hi kr rahe the. Subah se pagalon ki tarah ghum rahi hai. I thought firse Ladayi ho gyi."
I sigh sitting in the chair across from the bed. This morning was just like last night. The same fallen face, tear stains and most of all anger in addition to the guilt I'd already felt. I'd successfully ruined this wedding for her. Just like I'd always done with everything else. I wanted to cry.. just like I'd done this morning; wrapped in her arms. But I couldn't. I couldn't make her take care of my mess. It was something I should do myself. The guilt of hurting her was enough to deal with. That would only increase it.
"Bheed hai yahaan magar
Shor toh hai nahi
Ghum humein tha magar
Ghum abhi hai nahi
Tu kahin aur hai
Main kahin aur hoon
Door hai hum magar
Hai nahi hum juda"
I moved downstairs finding exactly what I'd knew I would. She sat by the stairs along with Maa, feeding Raunak, Riyan and Riyaz right beside her eating on their own. The smile spread across her face hiding away everything I'd seen last night. The anger, breaking point, and still caring despite it all. I hadn't expected her to let me stay. I didn't really know what I'd expected. My heart wanted it to lay out perfect and her to forgive me at the instant because it never happened, my mind though knew it wasn't possible. I wouldn't be able to either. Not instantly. I moved towards them taking a seat beside her as she continued feeding Raunak who jumped into my lap, continuing the conversation they were having. The reality of it made me wince. This was what could've been. Perhaps even our own little one. A family. Maa gave me a questioning look, I shook my head trying my best to assure her nothing was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Not now; not ever. The hall soon filled up, mostly the kitchen and tables for breakfast. The remainder filled with kids racing around along with Baaz and Khushal who could easily be confused as kids as well. I still sat here, not having had any conversation whatsoever. Raunak moves away a few minutes later joining the other two on stage. Maahi and Jai, sat a few seats away, not helping the situation in any way. Maa moves sitting in between us along with mumma. They both somewhere knew what was up. Mothers always did.
SIM - "At least baat to krlo agar saath baithe hi ho to. Sab Dekh rahe hai idhar hi"
SM - "Wohi toh aise lg hi nhi raha ki tum dono shaadi mein aaye ho. Itni udaas shakal kyun bnayi hai dono ne?"
I looked over at her before going to speak. She hushed me midway, clearly not wanting them to know. "Mumma Aap yeh btao ki agar aap dad ko kbhi bhi kisi cheez se mnna kre toh woh maante hai na? Aur maa, papa bhi aapki maante the kyun ki woh trust tha ki koyi reason k Kaaran hi bola hoga right?"
SM - "Haan toh maanenge na puttar.. agar har cheez hum dono apne hi mnn se krein toh Rishta Kaise nibhega?"
SIM - "dono ko maan na parta hai bacha. Nhi toh choti choti baat pe jhagde honge.."
S - "Agar woh dono baat na maan ke, apse ussi insaan ya wajah ke kaaran huyi kisi misunderstanding ki wajah se aap se rishta todh dete aur fir baad mein 5-6 saal baad aa kr wajah btake apse maafi maangte toh aap maaf kr dete?"
I looked at her, meeting her eyes and the hidden pain behind them. She asked the question with a masked ease. The smile on her face not dropping for even a second. I hated myself even more realizing just how stupid I'd been once again. Ignoring each and every warning or plead to stop talking to her was a choice I'd made. One I couldn't deny even if I wanted to. A past I couldn't change. Perhaps I was too busy having fun to even realize what all I'd lose because of it. I liked seeing her anger, the sheer emotions she'd let out as soon as we were alone made me want to do it again and again and hence here I sat. The two mother figures in my life looking at me in surprise. Most likely having figured wtf happened 5 years ago. There was only a month left until it'd be 6 years. Just like the past 5 I'd be locked up in my room. Alone. A life I'd chosen for myself. I'd tried everything to try and forget that day but it never worked. Now knowing how stupidly gullible I'd been myself I didn't know what that day would bring. Crying was surely there but the piercing guilt? Not even imaginable. I looked back at the 3 ladies,
Sitting with nothing but questions written all over their faces. "Krna nhi chahti toh bhi krdeti. Pyaar cheez hi aisi hai Bacha. App ke mutabik kuch nhi chalta pyaar mein. Dil pe dimag nhi chal skta. Gussa bhi usi or krte hai jis se pyaar ho. Agar 5 saal baad bhi gussa ho toh maafi already de di hai tune. Khud ko dard mat de." Maa mumbled patting her hair. Mumma smiled giving a response along the same lines, both throwing daggers at me as the locked tears escaped from Shenaaz's eyes. They walked away moments later, Shehnaaz getting up with them but walking the opposite way. I follow, trying my best to not make it obvious. Surprisingly enough we land back in the parking, right at her car. She didn't drive away, nor sat in her car. Instead stood at the cold wall clenching the kurta she had on in her hand. I stood a few feet away, not wanting to hear everything I knew she'd say. I deserved it. Hell I deserved to let her beat me blue and purple. My heart broke seeing her lean on the wall, dropping to the floor. Face completely emotionless. The tears from before subdued. Almost like reality hit her hard in the face. I could tell why she was acting like this. What maa said was true. She still loved me. And that.... that was a pain I never saw coming my way. I couldn't be happy about it. Not if it gave her the silence she was given right now. I hated seeing her sad. Her and silence were two poles that shouldn't ever connect. She was supposed to be chirpy, loud, extra even but never quiet. I wanted her to cry loud. Like she usually did. To let out the anger buried inside. I walked over pulling her up into my arms. She let me, not once looking at me or even saying a word. Her hands hung at her sides, not wrapping around my neck like the night before. I walked out a few meters sitting her in my car before getting in myself. I needed this sorted out and that too today.
