"Socheya si ki, te ki ho gaya ae
Saddi waari Rab so gaya ae
Kariye ki, kitthe jaaiye
Kihde kolon mangiye duaa
Mainu dine hanera langda ae
Chanann jehe tere chehre bin
Mainu chheti chheti mill dholna
Main te theek nahi a tere bin"
The movie comes to an end half an hour later, the both of us stunned into place. A realization of how tomorrow is never guaranteed filled my mind with thoughts I knew I didn't need. Not even a bit of them, the entire sequence of her dying without him whereas on the other hand he came back just a day too late, pinched my heart enough to bleed. Tears still silently running down my face I turned towards Sidharth who seemed to be too deep in thought to realize. I carefully move his arm back over him letting it relax against his stomach while I myself wrap an arm over him careful to not hurt him unintentionally. I didn't know what to make of it but I wanted it bad enough to not care. He shifted slightly, the tears drenching his shirt having caught his attention. "Baby? Movie hai sirf. Kyun roh rahi hai itna?" He questioned completely neglecting the tears falling from his own eyes. He was never someone who'd cry because of a movie, he wasn't now either. The tears were because of the emotion.
S - "mere se nhi ho raha yeh. Tujhe maaf kr diya hai already lekin nhi pta ki sab pehle jaisa kaise karun. Mujhe tu chahiye bhi aur nhi bhi. Dil ko chahiye lekin dimag mein se woh sab...
tujhe kaha tha maine pehle bhi ki aur chahe kuch bhi krde lekin uss se door ho ja. She wanted this and she got it. She ruined the one place of solace I had. Abhi saath hai lekin vaise nhi jaise hona chahiye. Something's gone. Tere saath main aise chup kabhi reh hu nhi skti thi. Tu kabhi yeh movie dekh kr nhi rota. Ulta mujhe sambhal ta, you'd love me out of it. Agar tab tujhe aisi koi chot lgti toh mujhe itna awkward nhi hota tera khyaal rakhna, completely. I wouldnt ever let the duty go to a nurse. Aur ab? Ab I would never do it myself. Hoga hi nhi mere se. why did you have to ruin everything so much Sidharth? Jab aayi thi vaapis tab bta deta, manata mujhe agar gussa ho bhi jaati. Mere pyaar pe itna bhi trust nhi tha ki tu samjh ske ki woh nafrat kabhi bn hi nhi skta? Ajj main sab clear kr ke aayi thi. Mujhe yeh relationship dobara start krna tha. Aur abhi bhi krna hai lekin the pains eating me up.
Do you even know how many times I've had to go to set or stage show when all I wanted to do was lock myself up and cry? Preeti di Raunak ko leke aati thi har show pe, kabhi kabhi Riyan aur Riyaz bhi, bohut acha lgta tha mujhe but it hurt not having you there. It hurt like hell not having you there. And I couldn't even show it. Nor could I come and tell you. Utna bhi haq nhi tha mere paas ki aa kr bol du kyunki tune apne ghar na anne bola tha. You told me to fuck off each and everytime I came back like a fucking idiot. Kyun? Kyunki pyaar ke upar kuch rakha nhi jaata mere se. 6 years. 6 years I loved someone who broke up with me without even knowing the entire truth. And now you came back and Im here. Right where you left me. Emotionally broken the same. It took you 5 days after 5 years to have me right back. Pehle kr leta toh yeh sab....." my hiccups took over the last few words I had left. Everything my mind was thinking was now poured, out if the blue, caused by a mere sequence of acting and lyrics. I hated blaming him. Absolutely hated it knowing what he'd go through because of it but how was I supposed to protect someone elses heart when mine itself was broken. The pieces laying apart for what seemed like an eternity. The fact that he couldnt get up and pull me into his arms this time hurt too. I wanted him to do that. To feel home when I needed it the most. But I couldn't. Not without hurting him and that was something I'd never do if it was up to me. Not intentionally.
Si - "Ek second uth... please."
I get up slightly wiping away the tears clouding my eyes. My face felt puffy, like always, the crying would always result in the same. He shifted slightly trying to push himself up. I move up helping him without meeting his eyes. "Yahan aa, Let me hold you." He murmured patting his lap. I shake my head looking away, I couldn't do that. "Baby? Please? Acha chal just lay here." He said again gesturing me to lie down beside him. I move doing so, placing my head in his lap, letting his arm rest against myself. He laced his other hand through my hair making my eyes close, wiping the hair flies off of my face before doing so.
Si - "Main... maine tera har show, songs, series sab dekha hai. Each and every one. Phone pe, ya last row mein se lekin dekha hai. I was there. Backstage aane ki himmat nhi thi. Shayad shaadi pe na milte toh abhi aise baithne ki bhi na hoti. 2 saal pehle I was seeing a therapist, every year us date pr mere se kuch na kuch ho jaata tha. I'd harm myself or get angry and storm off, not returning until 3-4 days later. Alcohol intake was at new heights. Pr woh kuch kr nhi pyi. Or maybe I didn't let her. Guilt bohut zyada tha. Arti ko dekh kr everything would flash before my eyes. The hurt I saw in your eyes that day seemed to have killed every ounce of love you'd given me. 3 years tune sambhala mujhe, har minute saath rehti thi tu. Tu khush rakhti thi mujhe. Meri sab khushi tere se hi thi,
Whether it was seeing you jealous, seeing you care. Especially seeing you happy because of me. Tune baarish mein music ke begair bas uski calmness mein dhalna sikhaya, zindagi ki simplicities mein luxury dhundna sikhaya. And even when I lost you... tune usse pehle hi, the same day mujhe woh diya tha jiske saath main poore 5 saal raha hu. Umeed. Tu future itni asaani se plan krti thi, manifestation mein belief was what carried me all the way through. Lekin uske ilaawa teri woh pagal baatien. Yaad hai jab you went on a trip, india? Tu mujhe bol ke gyi thi ki jab bhi teri yaad aaye toh bas aakhein band kr ke apni sab memories ka sochun, ya assurance k liye Gurudwara jaun. 5 saal mein yaad bhi nhi ki kitni baar woh sab soch ke khud ko sulaya hai, kitni baar subah uthte hi gurudware jaake roya bhi hu. You left me a paradise of memories. Something I couldnt avoid living in no matter how much I wanted. Khudse nafrat thi bhi aur nhi bhi. Thi kyun ke main galat tha aur nhi thi kyun ke ye dil... its yours. All yours. Aur tu mere se mujh ko nafrat krne nhi deti. Even when I deserve it the most."
I open my eyes, looking at the mere expression on his face, travelling into his eyes. They were shielded behind the soft curtain of worry, worry that I'd seen the same night of the break up. Worry I'd seen when I'd told him everything was over. I fight back the urge to tell him he didn't deserve hate, even though deep down I knew he didn't. Not even a bit of it. He'd had his reasons and I'd had mine. Both of us facing equal if not contradicting events. Him not feeling confident enough to come back stage and me searching for him, him seeing a psychologist and me deciding against it, him hurting himself because of what he did and me wishing for his well being even subconsciously. We were still just as deeply in love, perhaps even deeper.
"Hawaaon mein lipta hua main
Guzar jaaunga tumko chhu ke
Agar mann ho to rok lena
Thehar jaaunga in labon pe
Main dikhu ya na dikhu
Tum mujhko mehsoos karna
Bas itna hai tumse kehna"
