"Aankhon ko khaab dena
Khud hi sawaal karke
Khud hi jawaab dena teri taraf se
Bin kaam kaam karna
Jaana kahin ho chaahe
Har baar hi guzarna teri taraf se
Ye koshishein toh hongi kam nahin
Ye koshishein toh hongi kam nahin
Na chahiye kuch tum se zyada tum se kam nahin"
The food came in a short while later, the pasta as usual tastier than I'd even expected. It was starting to get a tad bit misty outside too, it'd probably rain sooner or later. I liked the possibility of that. The last time wasn't appreciated as much as it shouldve been. The both of us were at the edge of our breakdown, me slightly more than him. Perhaps I could even confess today, I had a slightly confused feeling about it. I wanted to say it but I also wanted him to work for it. I decided to leave it to the situation. "Beachside chalien? Ya fir seedha apartment?" I ask entering the room after putting back the dishes.
Si - "Your choice, leke tu jaa rahi hai na?"
S - "beach pe chalte hai, baithenge thodi der"
"I think tu bhul rahi hai k I cant walk" he muttered looking up from the photos he still had laid in front of him. "Aur tu bhul raha hai ki hum pehle bhi walk nhi krte the. Sirf ice cream aur thodi der baithenge." I reply taking both my wallet and keys before sitting by him letting him continue to finish looking over the stuff. We walked into the car soon after making sure to lock the house making sure not to forget like we usually used to. I helped him adjust his seat making sure he was as comfortable as possible. I drove down over to where we'd usually end up after school. It was our favourite place other than the apartment. The place we'd usually sit up at was hidden away from the every day crowd. No one tried discovering it either. I liked that. Having a whole section of the beach to ourselves was just as magical as it sounds. We drove up the steep road covered with small shops on either side, the hustle of the people taking away the silence we'd had all the way until right now. We definitely had a lot to talk about but neither of us knew how to mention them. I stepped out of the car buying the usual ice creams for the both of us before heading up to the little dead end. I parked the car as close as I could helping him out to the small corner look over, sitting down beside him after grabbing my phone and ice cream. "Kuch bolna hota hai toh voice ka use krna prta hai, dimaag mein sochne se kaam nhi chlega" I murmur opening up the ice cream cone.
Si - "jo soch raha hu, woh bolne ka shayad haq nhi hai Abhi mujhe "
"Tujhe yaad hai na yaha hum kyun aate the? Yeh humari safe places mein se ek thi. Yahan hum kuch bhi bol skte the, kabhi yeh nhi sochna parhta tha ki main ya tu aage se kya bolenge. Toh fir abhi kyun soch raha hai? Im not gonna judge you for it Sidharth. " I say reminding both myself and him about what we used this place for. An entirety of three years, we'd come here anytime we'd need a safe place to confess something we didn't feel to comfortable saying out loud anywhere else. This place made it feel easy, the words simply drifting away with the air once they left our mouths.
Si - "Fir bhi.. nhi bolna chahiye."
"Sidharth bol, maine khud kaha hai tujhe bolne k liye. Haq ki baat hai ha nhi yeh mujhe decide krne de." I argue moving closer towards him. He sighed clearly trying to fight back whatever he was feeling. I knew this place would cause that but what I didn't know was that it'd happen as quick.
Si - "yeh jagah... you know jab Jai ne shaadi ka bola, mujhe pta tha ki Maahi ke btane pe tu yaha aayegi. Aur tu aayi bhi... maine tujhe toh nhi dekha but I saw your car leave. I came too. After you left.. humesha ki trah, always a minute too late. Bohut roya main.. hadd se Zyada. 5 saal mein pehli baar itna jhatka lgga na suddenly, himmat hi nhi bachi thi ghar jaane ki. I needed you... more than I'd ever needed you before. Baat krni thi mujhe, with someone that wouldnt judge me no matter what I said. Someone that'd try to understand where I'm coming from. Youve always been my favourite place to go whenever my mind searches for peace. Sukoon ho tum mera. No matter how hard may day used to be, after talking to you for even a minute, made everything perfect. Jab bhi hum saath hote the pehle toh teri woh chhoti chhoti harkatein, har cheez mein khushi kahi na kahi se dhund lena.. that showed me how much I'd missed out on actually being alive before you.... after you left- I made you leave- I had all the small things in life but you were missing. I craved you. Passionately and innocently both. I craved to say good night to you, make up for the times I hadnt said it before. I craved to give you forehead kisses, watch your eyes close at the mere touch if my lips. I craved to say how much I love you, I hated myself for missing the chance before, I wanted to re do everything, tell you how much you mean every moment of the day, keep you hidden away to make sure you were protected. It took me a while to realize that you required anything but protection. All you needed was a sword... you were trained enough to fight on your own. I craved just simply being around you..nothing less, nothing more. I was jealous of every single person that was around you when I wasnt. It hurt like hell knowing I had no right to do something about it..... yenno even when we were together I'd be jealous of any other person you allowed close to yourself hence when you got jealous I liked it. I did those things more just for your reaction. When you reacted it made me feel less replaceable. Like I mattered.... like I was the only one you wanted. What I didn't realize Is how replaceable I was making you feel.... selfish hu main Shehnaaz. Aaj bhi hu. Humesha rahunga shayad. Ive no solution for it. Itna khoya hai life mein ki jab kuch milta hai toh I want it to be solely mine. Relationships bhi... hu main territorial. Us din jab Karan tried to touch you I- I lost my shit... mera dimaag khraab ho gya tha. Then you pushed him off and I.. I felt good about it. Superior... kyunki tune vaise mujhe dhaka nhi maara. Not once. But I did. I sent you away. Fir Bachelorette huyi and that- he was kissing against your skin, holding you so much closer than I could bear. Mujhe nhi pta ki tune kaise woh sab jhela... arti and all.. it was stupid. So fucken stupid. But tune zyada kuch nhi kaha. I dont know how you do it.. pr main nhi bn skta vaisa. Koi bhi nhi bn skta tere jaisa. You're an angel and as for me..... I by far don't deserve you. Not even a bit. But I cant let anyone else have you. I cant even think about you being someone else's. Having memories with someone else.... someone else claiming you lips like I do... and k..kids, I can never imagine having to know you had a whole family with someone else. "
S - "So if I'd had my last first with someone else, you wouldnt take me back?"
Si - "No... no no thats not what I meant.... not like that no. I'd take you back the second youre ready to come back. Even if you had tried moving on with someone else.. I'd take you back. I'd always take you back. I love you... and thats never going to change"
I physically felt my heart jump at the exact words I needed to hear. I was tearing uo already with what he said before but I wanted to know If he wanted me only because he couldn't see me with someone else or because he actually loved me. A question that was almost baseless seeing the tears tricking down his face. "Agar tu tab ek baar bas phone kr ke keh deta na ki tujhe meri zaroorat hai, I'd come without a second thought. 5 saal mein kbhi bhi agar dil ki sun ke.. bina koi sawaal ke, bas call krleta toh I wouldve been there. Gussa thoda time rok ke, I'd come for you. Mujhe khud nhi pta kyun lekin jaan na bhi nhi hai. I never once truly regretted you.. not once because I knew, especially in your absence that I needed you to function. Kehte hai na ki nafrat bhi usse hi hoti hai jisse pyaar ho... dil se tih nafrat huyi nhi kbhi lekin dimag mein uske ilawa tere liye kuch tha bhi nhi. Aur yeh jo bhi insecurity hai tujhe.. lemme tell you meri zindagi mein teko koi replace nbi kr skta. Main khud bhi nhi. You're much too special. Agar mere aur tere mein bhi choice aaye toh I'll choose you. Even when you make me mad, the feelings I have for you cant just fade. Well fight.. even in the future but you have to know that no matter what even then I'll go to battle for you. I chose and will continue to choose you every damn choice I get. Selfish aur selfless ka thoda zyada hi acha match hai hum. And believe me, tu territorial hai lekin toxic and controlling nhi. Selfish isn't bad bebu, bas uske saath deal krna-"
Si - "tere ilawa kisi ke bas ka nhi hai."
S - "Hona bhi nhi chahiye"
"Apartment ruk jayein aaj? Subah doctor k baad chale jayenge ghar" he questioned as we moved back towards the car, I was sure the rain would pour down in a matter of 5 minutes. "Kapre nhi hai tumhare.." I mumble helping him back into the seat.
"Maine liye nhi the waha se.. nhi ruk na toh mnna kr sakti hai baby" he mumbled very easily catching the lie I'd told him. The thing was.. I didn't want him to know I'd worn those clothes. Everytime I slept in the apartment, I'd wear one of the outfits. Spraying it with his leftover perfume after I'd wash them to keep them smelling like him. Coincidentally enough the perfume had finished just days before the wedding. Leaving the clothes now smelling like myself. The raindrops break my trance, I looked up letting another few fall against my face. Looking back at him I found a pleasant smile covering over the from from before. "Dance?" I asked hesitantly putting forward my hand. He pouted slightly making me giggle as he pointed to his bandaged arm and leg. I gave him an assuring blink taking his hand in mine, Stepping only a few feet away from the car. Carefully enough I wrapped his injured hand around my waist letting it rest straight across my lower back while I held the other one, begging to sway to the music etched into both of our minds. I was definitely at home.
"Chhu loon tujhe jaise koi
Chand ko chhuna chaahe
Chaahun tujhe jaise koi
Baccha khilona chaahe
Fiqar ki raat mein
Tu sukoon ki neend hai
Patjhad ke mausam mein tu
Baarish ki pehli boond hai"
