CHOICES (Completed)

SUN TO MY STARS

She looks at me intently. I feel bad. I feel I’m so, so bad. And I just can’t seem to forgive myself for messing up both of their lives.

“You’re not a bad person Tessa. You’re a good person to whom bad things have happened to.” I chuckle loudly and look at her with a small smile. She returns a look of amusement and feigned surprise.

“What you think a professor can’t quote Harry Potter? It for all ages.” I look down with a smile. I burst my knuckles and blink back those tears that keep resurfacing.

“Tessa when you go through all that at such a vulnerable age, it’s almost natural for you to have an unstable emotional life. Rejection changes you, honey.” I look up at her, shocked and wide eyed.

“You-“

“Know everything. Background reports of students come in with the admission.” I gasp, defeatedly.

She knows everything. She knows what I did, with my responsibilities. Yet she always believed in me. And she is hearing my mess right now.

I can’t believe the intricately tangled web that is my life now. I thought I was done with all the troubles.

“It’s like all my life I’ve always had control of it. Of myself and everything that happens to me. Made sure never to hu-rt anyone. And now suddenly it’s all a grand mess and I’m hurtin-g two among the most important people in my life. And I’m hurting with them.”

My voice chokes and a silent tear falls this time. I sigh, irritated by how much I’ve been crying. And right now I don’t even feel the energy to wipe it.

Xavier looks at me patiently, and then crosses her legs, leaning back in her chair.

“Tessa you know what makes life so worthwhile? Is that we never get control of it. Or the things that happen to us.

As long as you don’t give up control, as long as you keep asking what and why it’s happening to you, you’ll never find that ground to set your feet on.

Let things happen the way they happen. Trust your timing.”

I look at her, tired. I had been trusting my timing. And this is where it has brought me.

“What if I lose something important to me?”

I have already hurt both Hardin and Trevor. It doesn’t make me feel any less of an awful person to still think about myself. But fear is one thing I have not mastered handling. And it all came down to the fear of being that rejected, alone, discarded girl who is a disappointment and whom no one can ever love.

I have hurt Trevor and blown away any chances of the minimal friendship with him and I don’t know if we’re even acquaintances anymore.

I have hurt Hardin and don’t know how long this thing between us is going to last. Not that he has given me any reason to feel otherwise, but then he is… Hardin. And I have spent a lot of my past days believing that he is not capable of love. I fear it’s maybe, just too good to be true.

I have hurt Dad and I haven’t had his playful banter making my day, in a long, long time. Perhaps it’s all Dad. He was the confidence I had, the belief I had that I was enough. That I was good. And now without him, I just feel like a stupid, horrible person who just hurts everybody because she doesn’t know what she wants.

I feel a sob choking in my throat. I want Dad back. I just want Dad back.

She smiles at me reassuringly and reaches forward to hold my hand.

“I will not give you false hope or sympathy. I will tell you this straight. Nobody Tessa, gets everything. The moon doesn’t get daylight. The sun doesn’t get stars.

In the end you will have to lose one thing. You just have to make sure that your choice is worth the loss.”

I sit dumb. I’m left with nothing. If  had to make the choice, all along, I have made that two weeks back. I feel a pang of hurt and fear. I hope my losses will be worth it. Because I know there will be some.

“I swear I’m gonna kill this human being and roast his intestines over fire.” I shout out angrily and Lily chuckles.

“It’s not funny!”

“So I take it, he still hasn’t responded.”

He hasn’t. Hardin has been off the grid since four days now. The only time I see him is during a match. And he hasn’t said a word.

And it’s almost starting to worry me. Because the last time he went out of reach, was before the fundraiser. And that’s not a good thing. Plus I don’t like the feeling it’s giving me, like probably something’s off. And he’s gonna blow up on me when I see him next.

“Again, did you talk to Brit?” Lily speaks through the phone and I focus my eyes, back on the road.

“Yeah, she has nothing on him. He is weirding me out now.”

“Hey, chill. And keep those eyes and brains on the road. You’re too virgin to die.” I roll my eyes. And hang up before she says anything further.

I push my chances once again, as I redial his number. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four rings. Five rings. Si-

“Hey, Russo!” I pull up with a jerk.

“Hardin? Oh God, I’m gonna kill you. Are you okay, you’re okay, right? Where the hell have you been? I haven’t seen you since four days, you haven’t said a word to me, I’ve called you over a hundred times now, left the double of that messages.

Even showed up at your home a couple of times, what the fudge is going on?” I bark into the device, venting out all anger. He can’t just disappear!

“I want to tell you something, where are you?” His voice slurs and I close my eyes in irritation.

Drunk Hardin is just the thing I needed after a disappeared Hardin. Jesus.

“No you are not setting foot into your car Hardin, do you hear me?”

“Its important. Connor told me it doesn’t stand a chance. I’m coming to you.”

“Did you even hear what I just said! You’re drunk, you’re not driving. An-“

Music blares through the other side and I don’t hear Hardin speak again.

Our people leave us. But our choices never do.

Who feels Tessa, right now?

In the end, we all lose some thing.

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