✔️ MALEDETTO | 18 +

Chapter 5

Previous chapter:
Closing the door behind me, I burst into tears as everything was getting too much, again.

Calina's pov

I didn't want to cry, no, I wanted to be strong, but I felt like everything, everything I tried to build for my daughter and me, was breaking down, no matter how hard I tried to build it up.

I put my hand over my heart, gulping, as I felt a lump in my throat, trying to breathe as I felt suffocated.

Crying, I tried to get my breathing under control, but I couldn't, my heart was jumping in my chest, I felt like I had my body and emotions not under control, like me, my body, and my emotions weren't one, I felt shattered.

Closing my eyes, I told myself to calm down, but it got worse, as the strangling feeling in my throat played with my mind, reminding me of the time the doctor told me I lost one of my babies, that my baby boy got strangle by the umbilical cord.

And my heart ached at the painful memory. Fear crept into me at the possibility of losing my baby girl too. Hiccupping, crying, being a mess, having myself not under any control, I slid down the wall before curling up in a ball on the floor.

Fixing my eyes on a plain point on the floor, resting my head against the cold ground, I cried, feeling awful, mentally and physically, wondering:

What am I doing wrong? Why can't I take care of my children? Why am I losing them?

I had already lost my baby boy, and every time I thought about him, I felt the same pain I felt when I got his death news, the pain got never less. Losing one of my children made feel a suffering I couldn't put into words, the pain wasn't bearable, and I couldn't cope with the same pain again, I couldn't lose my daughter.

And I felt like a bad mom, as I couldn't notice my baby was sick. I put my work over my baby. I just wanted to offer her a good life, buying her everything she wanted, see her happy. I wanted us to be happy.

But every time I felt a little happy and things were going well, something bad happened. And I wondered what sin I committed in life in order not to deserve a little peace in life.

"It's never ending, why is it never ending?" I asked myself, feeling exhausted, having enough of my fucked up life, wanting to be happy.

"Lina?" I heard someone calling me, being in a trance, I couldn't recognize the voice's keeper. Looking at my side, I saw Emma standing next to me.

"Emma," I whispered. Swallowing my tears, I hugged her as she knelt on the floor next to me.

"Are you all right? Are you cold?" she asked me, as I was shaking in her embrace, as I still couldn't calm down. "I hardly can breathe," I muttered, still feeling the numb in my throat.

Cupping my face, she made me look into her eyes. "Look at me, and breathe," she told me calmly, "you're having a panic attack, you have to breathe." Nodding my head, I told myself to breathe.

"Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, like me." She breathed in and out. I breahted in and out, with her, slowly calming down.

"Do you feel better?" she asked me as I felt my breathing normalizing. Shaking my head, I muttered, "I am sick, I've cancer, my daughter is sick, has a hole in her heart, so, I feel like shit, I feel lost, helpless, and scared."

Sighing, she sat next to me on the ground, hugging me, saying, "I know you're scared but you have to fight Lina. You have to fight for your daughter and yourself. You can't just give in and let your illness win. And you're not alone, neither are you helpless, Bob and I are here, and we'll help you to get through this."