Clueless [h.s]

[41] Disconnected

Harry's POV.

The combined dull beating of our hearts was all I heard as her body was tightly pressed against mine. Our bare chest touching as her arms were draped over my back as she hugged me tightly to her chest. One of my hands was cradling her face gently as we stared at each other deeply, her lips slightly parted and swollen as well as her cheeks lightly glowing from what we had just done.

We had stayed like this for hours, and there was no doubt in my mind that the sun would be rising soon, but we still made absolutely no effort to move whatsoever. Not even to get dressed. I wanted to lay beside her forever and have my arms wrapped around her body because everything that we did was as if we were made to perfectly fit with one another. Although she was so much smaller than me, she fit so perfectly around me.

We have not spoke a word to each other since we did what was desperately needed to be done. She still didn't say anything, but I felt her press a delicate kiss to the base of my throat before she nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck as I held her so closely. We stayed like that for a while- none of us speaking but instead letting our bodies communicate as we stayed locked in our embrace. Her breathing was steady and slow and her eyes were fluttered shut, but she was not asleep. As the time passed, I found my hand slowly trailing down her back and stopping at the perfect curve of her hips that was hidden beneath the blankets that were heavily draped onto us. I repeated the action several of times to distract myself as my mind whirled with endless thoughts.

She pulled back from me momentarily only to lock her eyes with mine and gently cradle the side of my face that was not on the pillow. Her eyes flashed back and forth between my lips and back to my eyes, as if she were studying my features. Her eyes were fixed on my lips as she dragged her thumb across my lower lip, it moved slowly with her gentle touch and slapped back into place as she released it. She leaned in a pressed her lips to mine as a shock burst throughout my whole body at the sudden touch. Our lips didn't move though, the stayed put and formed perfectly around one another's. Once she pulled away I deeply signed, my breath pushing past my lips and fanning onto her face. Her eyes flashed of worry and her lips turned into a small frown.

"What is bothering you?" She asked, her voice hoarse after all these hours of not speaking.

"Nothing." I lied and tried to pull it off with a very fake grin. This only made her deeply frown and roll her eyes, she could see right through me. I felt weak, I felt as if she were forcing herself to help me with all my bullshit while I just nagged on her. It was as if the only thing I felt nowadays were love for this beautiful woman that I surely do not deserve, pain, numb, emptiness, and complete sadness. There were no other words to describe what I felt but sad or absolutely nothing at all. As much as I kept on telling myself that I would be happy, nothing seemed to progress and nothing seemed to change. Yes, I did have my good days but I have had awfully too many bad days. In all honesty, Ariana has been my only source of positivity and hope but now, as much as I have tried to persuade myself, all of that hope and faith has partially diminished and destroyed into the complete mess that is me.

And yes, for the most part I was feeling better and happy today but I just cannot control it. It doesn't matter what time it is or what I am doing, something in me always seems to switch and I become so distant and sad to the point that I feel absolutely nothing. That absolutely nothing matters to me and I am just living each day because I am forced to. As if I do not have reason to be here.

"Harry," Ariana sighed, her eyes lowering as she did so as well as her voice softening. "You do know that you can speak to me about whatever you want, right?"

"I know, I just don't like speaking about it." I admitted and rolled over onto my back to stare at the dark ceiling.

"Why not? You know that I am always here to help you, Harry."