Clueless [h.s]

[54] Empty

songs for this chapter are:

angels - the xx

you - the 1975

Ariana.

Three weeks later.

Puffs of smoke blocks the eye from peering down the empty alleyway where the musky air filled. The only source of light coming from is the cigarette perched on the edge of my lips. My fingers ran over the cool metal of the small lighter in the palm of my hand before it dug deep into my leather jacket to stuff the lighter in there.

All I could hear was the crunching of my heavy boots against the gravel beneath me and dripping of dirty water from the old rusty pipes, and buildings above me. My chest heaved in as I exhaled the puffs of smoke and inhaled the fumes of the cigarette. It was quite relaxing to forget everything for once and revel in the sudden emptiness I had in me.

I was currently dragging myself to Elizabeth's apartment when she practically begged me to meet her there to discuss 'lady business' with her. Like I fucking cared. I was only doing this because given the dark circles beneath my eyes that had formed from my lack of sleep and my chance to finally get out of the matchbox-like apartment of mine. I needed to escape from my old life, my happier life. I needed to escape because I knew that everything that had happened in the recent past was way behind me and was definitely never coming back. I needed to return to my old confident and independent self.

I could no longer trust or rely on anyone but myself until I was out of this trance. I could no longer love or care for anyone else but myself because in the end I will only have myself. And I learned that the hard way. I had learned it by having merely every bit of strength and every bit of happiness completely sucked out of me and left me drained, left me empty.

After many weeks of Harry's sudden departure from the world and everything around him, including me, I was still not convinced that Harry was the reason why I am so broken. He had told me and warned me an endless amount of times that he was no good to me but I did not believe any of it. He had changed my life, that I was sure of. But I was certain he changed it for the better, he was my trust and reliance while I had him. He showed me to love in ways I never thought were possible. He showed me that not only is life a gift but you should not ever intend on wasting it. He showed me that you should take every day as if it were your last and live it to the fullest. He showed me that there was certainly beauty in this cruel world that was so often unkind to us. He showed me that even in the most broken places you can remain strong. He showed me that love is certainly the most powerful thing around, love is capable of building or breaking us humans. He showed me that even if you are constantly judged by the content of your character you should never put a second thought into what others tell you because it is simply not worth it. He showed me that the challenges in our life were only temporary and he promised me that even if these challenges seemed endless, if you fought hard enough all these challenges were completely worth it. He showed me that it took everything to come crashing down to know what true freedoms felt like.

He was my trust, my reliance, my love, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and I was so completely in love with this man who was so beautifully broken. It was either that I loved him too much to not realize that he had been the reason for my emptiness or that I was stupid. Harry has never hurt me, intentionally at least. He has always been so gentle and kind to me even when I least deserved it, he has always been by my side to lift me back up when I was upset and I him. We both had each other to lean on for support, courage, and strength. We had made a major impact on each other's lives. And yes, our relationship was not as perfect as it would be in the movies but in our own way it was all so beautiful.