Clueless [h.s]

[55] Memories

songs for this chapter are:

Au Revoir - one republic

Try - the xx

Car radio - twenty one pilots

Still - The Japanese House

as always, enjoy !

-

Ariana.

It's been an awful day.

It was a regular day because I did not do anything in particular and I stayed in bed all day, as per usual. The only thing I did today was attend all my classes, which was very unusual because I would skip classes nearly everyday.

Once I was out of class, I dragged myself back home to repeat the process all over again every day. But today was much worse actually. Today was the day that I did not feel a single thing, the only thing I could do was reminisce.

All I could do was think about all the little things that had happened in my life. One topic in particular: Harry. And it was no longer tearing me into shreds, the pain was still here, it remained sizzling throughout my whole body but I could finally think of him without breaking down. It terrified me. I would much rather break down into uncontrollable sobs than be this numb.

It was not like I couldn't feel a thing, because I sure as hell could, but it was much worse than it sounded. Being numb was not about not feeling a single thing, it was about feeling everything but not having a single reaction to it. It was a constant emptiness in the pit of your chest and you could feel all the heartache and annihilating pain that came with it but you did not react to it. You just let it sizzle all throughout your body and bones without any care and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it. You let the excruciating agony eat you alive without any attempt to stop it because it was too late, and you were too weak to even form a single thought.

All I could think about today was our memories. They were actually quite delightful to think about but the thought of never reliving them again crushed me back down. It made me insanely happy to know that he was my first love, and I him, but the memories carried along with our relationship were excruciating.

When I had him, our love was like no other. My first love was everything all at once. Our love was a kind of love you never fall back from, never try to or want to. A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses it's electricity. A kind of love you fight for. A kind of boy you fight for.

I fought for him in every way. And I didn't know if he had any strength left in him to fight for me.

It hurt me to think about these beautifully haunting memories but everything that I did throughout the day reminded me of him. It was quite strange to have all these flashbacks and reminders of the person I lost indefinitely. I did not want my mind to build up these thoughts any longer because they were painful, but all along it was my heart yearning for these opportunities.

When I was walking to campus I would think about the way his hand would be in mine and we would swing them back and forth as we walked silently and sipped on our usual coffees.

It would all just come back in flashes, I couldn't stop myself from thinking these thoughts because I never expected them coming.

I could not even concentrate in the lessons during classes because my mind was too stuck on these memories. It was not like I minded, though, I truly enjoyed day dreaming about these things, it put me at a certain kind of peace I needed.