Clueless [h.s]

Clueless - Epilogue

Harry.

Happiness.

A nine letter word that holds such a personal heartfelt meaning to it.

Happiness.

An emotion that has the capability to build or break you. Whether you feel it or not, this happiness is not everywhere.

This is an emotion that just doesn't come to you, you are not born with it, something or someone has the capability to make you feel this joy.

Happiness is rare to find, especially at times when you feel weakest. Although you might feel content all day long you are just content, you are satisfied; not happy.

It may be quite hard to process that even if you convince yourself that you are happy, you may just be very content. Well this was my outlook on happiness, there are people who are genuinely happy but there are also people who are just overly content.

I guess I fell into the category of the people who are overly content. No, I am not some kind of denial man who denies happiness, this was just my honest outlook on happiness itself.

Whether you understand it or agree with me or not, I believe most of us fall into different categories. These categories are not labels, I despise labels, they are simply what we all go through. And I do not intend on labeling anyone whatsoever, but it is
just the truth.

The reason why I despise labels so much is because when I was going through the toughest, most challenging point in my life I was completely surrounded with all of them. I was labeled the most disgusting and heart breaking words that shattered me to pieces. Not only was I reminded of why I was so fucked up, I was being humiliated for something that obviously wasn't my fault.

I've always hated the labels, always struggled with them and when people remind me of my previous actions years ago, I get even more labels thrown at me. It was definitely not easy to be reminded of the biggest mistake of my life so often, it made me feel almost nostalgic. And as stupid as it is, I had even began missing the feeling of being sad for so long.

I hated change. So when my life took such a great turning point, I was not used to being so overfilled with strong emotion. I hated the way I cried for everything and the way my emotions would just take over when I was stressed, relieved, happy, and angry. But I guess this is just how normal people were, so beautifully overfilled with emotion. It definitely beat being completely numb, empty, and drained.

So when I found Ariana, I honestly did not know what to feel. I was so hopeless and when we were together I felt something. I knew what we had was not usual when she managed to break through my ice cold heart and made me feel something. She gripped my heart and managed to melt the ice surrounding it, then she slammed a sledgehammer to my hard walls built up extremely high, crumbling them down only to make me extremely vulnerable.

In the beginning of our building relationship, I was always afraid of feeling something and I was so anxious when it came to seeing her. I was purposely rude to her because the last thing I wanted to do was fall for a woman who I had absolutely no chance with. But as the time went by and we were together often, the more trust my heart was giving to her. After a few weeks, I found myself calling her when I felt extremely empty; and she was always there by my side to reassure me that I was good enough.

I could always tell we both were resisting our feelings for one another even when it was what we wanted the most. We were both terrified of falling for one another. I was terrified because I was one insecure bastard, she was terrified because she was too selfless to hurt a man who had been by her side longer than I have. At first she was following the history she had with Jai, only pretending to have feelings for him because he was so madly jealous of what Ariana and I secretly had. But she fell for me. She fell for me even when she had a less problematic man by her side the entire time. Her heart lead her to me and I was never letting go.