Shades Of Kim||K.NJ (AMBW)

22

Fri. 15th Apr. 2022

Namjoon's POV

Anger. Sadness. Hurt. It was all hitting me as I sat down on the comfy cream couch inside my therapist office. Today was my update session which is where we talk about how much changes I've made to myself and things I would like to conquer for my end goal.

I don't usually enjoy these days because I feel at my weakest. My therapist, Mrs. Harris, was truly a great help to me in these last few weeks. I know it's a part of her job to listen and give me advice but she reminded me of Ellen. A lady who was a mother figure and tried their best to be there for me.

The door opened and I looked up to see Mrs. Harris enter the room with a smile on her face. I greeted her with a smile as she made her way over to her chair.

She takes a seat, crossing her legs "How are you today?" she asked.

I shrugged "I'm feeling angry, sad and hurt if I'm honest." I answered her truthfully.

She nods. "I can see some progress. Usually I would have to beg or fight it out of you but you told me the truth."

A small smile formed on my face. She was right, our first sessions were difficult because I barely talked but overtime I opened up a bit.

"Why are you angry?" she questions.

"I'm angry because of my father." I said my voice was shaking.

My father, Young-ho decided to grace me with an intriguing phone call earlier this morning about his current situation. He explained that he just got home from the hospital and he wanted us to have dinner soon.

After explaining to Mrs. Harris about that, I felt myself getting teary. I hated these sessions.

"How are you feeling about him dying?"

I shrugged. "He is my father, of course I'm going to feel a bit sad that he is going to die but I also don't know why I should."

She hums softly "Is it because of how he treated you?" she interrogates.

I raise my head to look at her as tears fall "This man has been the biggest weight on my shoulders. He had physically hurt me, emotionally broke me and mentally fucked me up. He made me the way I am today. How could I feel sympathy for someone who could do that to their own son. Their own son." I paused for a second trying to recollect myself.

I sniffed"I would look weak and pathetic especially to him." I finished.

"It's okay to feel like that you know." she says.

I watched her a little confused by the statement. She smiles, giving me a tissue for my tears.

"It's okay for you to feel bad about his death. I'm not saying he is right because no one should ever do that to anyone but he is still your father-"

"It doesn't matter because I hate him-"

She cuts me off "Oh I know you do. I also know you still care. From our sessions I've gathered enough to realize a lot."

I raised one eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Well you have these rules against your father. You claim it's only because you want to prove him right but I think you also want to see him change and actually become the man you once admired. You've only known what is called a happy family. Both of your parents are married and they had both you and your brother. When that was destroyed it damaged each and everyone of you differently. Your brother got disowned, your dad became impossible to deal with and you're left with pain and trauma." she explains.