The Destiny Against Us : JayWon

Chapter 42: Cries for Love

Chapter 42

Cries For Love

It's been a week since I lost contact with Somi. I remember everything, and even I regret telling her those words. I'm not planning to take it back as she was already hurt by it, and taking it back would be just a useless thing to do.

Those words are something I have meant to say to her all these years. I know something so evil of me but couldn't help bottled up inside me,

I knew so well I wouldn't be able to tell her that without the alcohol. I didn't plan to say those to her and thoughts I was planning to just keep inside me, but perhaps things find their way to happen. By chance, she was there, and I could say those words too free from my own sanity.

What's funnier is I always thought it would lessen my desolation, pain, and emotions I didn't want to feel inside me, but it didn't. I let the guilt haunts me that was missing when I said all of that. I let it drag and kill me all this time to make up for her pain as if my own pain isn't enough punishment.

It's Sunday today. But instead of resting, I am working, drowning myself with paper works in the place not even my office but where everything started and where we used to live together. I really seem quite like to torture myself a lot. There are many places to go, but I chose where every corner reminds me of him.

From the doorstep where he always welcomes me with his warm hugs and sweet kisses. In this living room, where we spend our time together watching granny's favorite anime and in each other's arms. To the kitchen, where we take turns to cook for one another and even together. Sharing our meal together happily, and to our bedrooms where we dreamed together in one bed and shared quiet nights.

Every corner of this place is full of memories of him and us. The reason I didn't change anything here. It was as it is when he left this place. This is where all our memories and feelings when I was with him, and we were together are vivid. Things that made this place like no other place in this world. The reason I consider this home than any other place in this world.

It was a torturous yet safe place for me. It brings so much pain yet comfort for me. I must be a masochist, but this is the only place that could assure me everything wasn't a dream. That he was not a dream and we happened once even, we don't end up together.

No one knew I bought this place. I left not long when he left this place of ours because of the memories, but it was also the exact reason why I got it back and couldn't let go of this place.

Everyone lived like he did not exist, and that scared the shit out of me. What if he was only a dream? What if it was just like a long dream, like people around me making me feel?

Whenever everything gets uncertain, I always find myself crying at this dorm. The only trace of him when he left me aside from our special place. It reminds me of everything, all the feelings and memories we shared together vividly. Then I would calm down even there's always a pang of pain, knowing 'It's not a dream.' the only thing that would soothe me.

I signed the paper after reading it for the third time and moved on to another one. The cycle repeats till my stomach growl only to know it's already past lunch and now late afternoon.

I made a simple meal for myself, just a sandwich and chocolate spread combined. For some reason, I found cooking my own meal fancy. I rather finished another contract than cook. I usually eat out, too. Now I think of it, I really changed a lot. It was very different from the version of me five years ago.

I got back to work, but sudden blues started to hit me again hard. I beamed to myself, finding it funny. It feels empty inside me, just like looking at a blank canvas. That's how it feels. It was always like this every night.