jadam oneshots :')

this side of paradise

loosely inspired by the song this side of paradise by coyote theory

I've been in plenty of romantic relationships before. The first legit one was in year 10 (anything before high school doesn't count). She was an okay person but I only agreed to go out with her cause I thought it'd help me fit in.

By 12th grade, I'd finally got a grip on my identity and had a solid group of friends. One of my friends in the group was pretty and nice (or so I thought), so I asked her out. She said yes and we went on a couple of dates until a few months later I caught her cheating. It hurt at the time, but I don't really think we had that spark that you hear everyone talk about, so it wasn't the end of the world.

I graduated and focused on posting on YouTube for a year, a condition my parents gave me. If my channel hadn't gotten anywhere in a year, I had to go to college as a backup. Lucky for me, the channel did gain some traction. During that year I was so focused on my animations, gameplays, and vlogs that I didn't really think much about a romantic relationship.

A few years into the whole YouTube thing I gained an awesome group of friends along with my best friend, James. It was also at this point that I started questioning my sexuality. We can thank Jameson for that. I was crushing on him for a year, but I did everything in my power to ignore it. There was a lot of internalized homophobia during the year, which you'd expect after years of high school friends labeling anything lame as 'gay.'

In late 2019 I signed up for Tinder. It was sort of my last resort in ignoring how I was feeling about James. It went nowhere and I ended up deleting it and my account.

As soon as I was locked inside in March I was almost forced to stop repressing everything I'd been feeling. I was left alone with my thoughts and ended up finally accepting that I'm totally and fully into guys.

Though, once I'd come to terms with it I didn't really have many options. Sure, I could try online dating again, but I didn't like the idea of dating through video calls. Plus, my heart was still set on Jameson.

I didn't even consider telling him until the covid restrictions were lifted. Once they were I planned a catch-up with Jameson as quickly as I could. As soon as I saw him it just felt like all the emotions that had been building up for years simply couldn't be contained any longer.

I confessed.

My shoulders had slouched, and my eyes were fixed to the floor. My face felt like it was on fire out of sheer embarrassment cause holy shit I had just told my best friend I had a 'crush' on him.

It felt like the room was silent forever. All I could hear was the soft ticking of the clock hanging on James' wall.

The silence was only broken when James muttered my name in a worryingly shaky tone. I looked up at him to see him looking right back. I had only just caught a glimpse of the small smile on his face before he rushed forward, reaching over my shoulders and pulling me into a tight hug. I hugged back without a moment of hesitation, and I can tell you it was the greatest feeling when I heard him whisper next to my ear, "I like you too."

It's January now. We're 'official,' he moved into my new house, and I don't think I've ever been happier.

He and I are sitting on the couch in our living room (I love saying that. Our living room). I have my legs up on the couch, crossed and facing James. He's scrolling through Twitter, the light reflecting in his eyes making them look even more mesmerising than usual. Sure, they're just brown but I feel like I could stare into them for eternity just because they're his.

I never understood all the movie cliches until now. He's simply the most beautiful person, inside and out. I genuinely do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can never stop thinking about him. He's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

"What's with the dopey smile?" James turns to me with a confused look.

"I'm just thinking about how in love with you I am," I respond, resting my elbow on my knee and my head in my hand.

His face immediately fades from its usual pale tone to a glowing pink. "I-I'm sorry?"

My smile grows as I take in his flustered state. I've gotten him flustered before, but this is a whole new level. He's fidgeting intensely with the hem of his shirt, glancing between me and his fingers every five seconds.

"It's just that..." I start, thinking through my words before I say them. "I've never been in love."

James looks up from his hands, his pupils darting back and forth, scanning my face. I chuckle looking away from his intense gaze not having it in me to maintain eye contact as I continue. "I feel like I've been living life asleep. You know?"

I look up briefly, catching James shaking his head.

"I just..." I sigh and rub the bridge of my nose with a small smile. "I've been in plenty of relationships, but none have ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I can't imagine life without you anymore. I don't think I'd survive."

I'm fully aware of how dramatic that sounded but I simply don't think I could go back to life without Jameson.

I feel James' hand land on my hand next to my face. He gently prys it away from my cheek and laces his fingers together with mine. His slow and soft movements send butterflies fluttering through my stomach. We lock eyes smile at each other. The eye contact quickly becomes too much, and I look away laughing as my cheeks get warm.

"You make me feel so weak I swear to God," I mumble with a playful smile.

James giggles and rubs his thumb over the back of my hand.

"I'm so glad you're here," James whispers, pulling his hand away from mine and leaning forward to hug me.

I grin and hug back tightly.

"Me too."

wholesome content <3