let me down slowly - wilbur soot

chapter 77- guilt

tw // mental breakdown, mentions of manipulation, depression, and anxiety

"WILBUR!" i hear aubrey yell as she shakes me awake. i wake up with a start, my heart pounding.

"jesus christ! did you lose an arm?" i ask.

"no! alec benjamin is going on tour! let's go together! please! it's only $20 for two tickets! and he's playing at an outdoor venue in london! we can't pass this up!"

i sigh. how could i say no?

"where do you buy tickets?"

"on his website. but they're selling out quickly!"

"calm down! don't panic, we're going to get them." i grab my phone off the nightstand and look up the tickets.

"okay, they're bought," i say after i see the "purchase complete" screen. "it's in a month?"

"yeah! oh my god, thank you wilbur, i'm so excited! we're gonna have so much fun!" aubrey squeezes me tightly, and i nod, trying to hug her back through her tight grip.

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"what have you been doing?" i ask, taking a seat on the couch next to aubrey. she quickly puts her phone down and looks at me.

"nothing, really," she answers.

"you're texting someone..."

"oh! that was my friend river. remember them? the one that let me stay at their house after carter and i broke up. they want to get lunch soon and reconnect."

"you should! they seem to had done a lot for you in the past. and from the stories you've told, they seem really nice. maybe i could meet them one day."

aubrey lets out a sympathetic, almost sad, smile.

"what are you thinking about?" i ask.

"why do you want to know?" aubrey looks at me, trying to wipe the sadness off her face, but isn't doing a great job of it.

"you look sad. and i don't like that."

aubrey lets out a quick exhale.

"i'm thinking about how i was closest to river when i was at my absolute lowest. i don't remember much about how i acted, but it couldn't have been great. and i feel so bad for it." her eyes go wide and she twists her body completely towards me. "what if they think i'm an awful person? oh god, wilbur, they knew me when i was so depressed and anxious... i probably lashed out at them so many times... and-"

"shhh," i lightly grab aubrey's shoulders and attempt to calm her down. "i don't think river would be texting you if they hated you."

another look washes over aubrey's face. it looks like... guilt?

"you really think so?"

"i know so. you're a wonderful person, aubs, and i'll take every chance i get to remind you of that. i know you've had guys tear you down in the past, but now i'm here. and i'll always help you believe in yourself and help you realize that you ARE worth something. you're beautiful, and kind, and caring, and-"

aubrey cuts me off by crashing her lips onto mine. i kiss her back, but i taste more than just her lips. i also taste... tears?

it reminds me of our second kiss, when we kissed in the pouring rain. except this obviously isn't rain. and this isn't nearly as happy as our second kiss.

she kisses me desperately, as if pleading for something. but what?

when we break away, she looks at me with tears running down her face.