D&S

Chapter # 18

Ester, punish me for my deeds.

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"I have offered my life to you Ester... punish me for my deeds."

A flood of silent tears rolled down my cheek, I didn't dare to lift my head and met her intense gaze. I cannot see her face but the constant reminder of pain and suffering was emitting from both of us. My breath mixed up with the sound of my pants concealing the loud cries which became an inaudible devastation.

I kept holding my hands, for her to do the same I did with her. I want her to inflict the sensation of pain in me so that I could understand what she felt. How heartbroken she must have been by my unforgivable action. I want her to hit me like I hit her.

I sensed her shifting close to me. My heart was thumping against my chest. She slowly sat in front of me and looked at me with such intensity that my heart lost its beats. I looked at her, my teary gaze met hers. Tears gleamed on both of our faces.

There was a pause of grief between us. Unbearable darkness and pain along with a blissful symphony of remorse evoked a connected feeling in us. I looked at her and turned oblivious of all the other things around me. I kept looking at her, waiting for her to punish me just like I did just to make her hate me.

Ester brought her hand close to mine and held my hands. When her warm and soft hands made contact with mine a wave of serenity washed over me.

I narrowed my eyes at her to not console me but rather wallop the pain in me and end this matter. End this pain. Put a halt to this suffering.

"You hurt me with these hands, right?" Her voice came out vague. There was no anger, no sadness, just a sense of relief. I gulped and gave her a tentative nod.

What she did next was unpredictable. I never expect her to do this.

She brought my hands close to her face and kissed my palm.

She kissed my palm; my hands hurt her countless times. My eyes widened in disbelief, I couldn't speak anymore. I was left flabbergasted. I never thought she would do something like this.

She passed me a smile and said, "I have forgiven you for every pain you gave me." Upon hearing that the emotions I kept at bay burst out as I broke into sobs and hugged her.

"I am sorry.. I am so sorry..." I cried, hugging her tight, never wanting to let her go.

Holding her close as much as possible so that her scent can imprison me in her heart, her heartbeat could synchronize with mine, her soul could become one with mine and take us to the world where things are beyond any bad or good.

"Shh.. It's okay, Desmond.. " She whispered, running her hands in my hair. Trying to give me solace. I cried my heart out, letting out the agony, the ravage inside me and ease the heavy lift on my heart. Just once, I want to hear your call and take me away from the abhor of this world and you did.

She kept hushing me while rubbing my back, whispering sweet nothings to me. My cries gradually died down. I lost my breath. When I regained my senses, I wiped my tears and pulled away a little.

"You are my breath Ester. I will die from suffocation without you." I said, lifting my gaze and meeting hers.

"Don't talk like that. I will always be with you." She smiled, cupping my cheeks. I shifted and held her hands. I rest my forehead against hers and remained like that as I whispered to her,

"Thank you for loving me even without knowing me."

"I want to know you, Desmond. What caused you to become like this. What caused you to hate me, what is your ravage?" She whispered back.

An empty smile crept upon my lips along with a mesmerizing harmony ringing in my ears as I said,

"You are blissfully ignorant of all my despair, Ester." I said pulling away from her a little and moving to the bed. I rested my back on the bedpost and hugged my knees close to my chest, not raising my gaze as silent tears rolled down my cheek.

My chest tightened, a heavy weight crushed my soul miserably and drowned me in apprehension of seeing her reaction. There was a brief pause of heartbreak where I am not allowed to speak but to feel the delicacy of this devastation I brought upon both of us.

Everything, till the very start happened because of me. I mustered courage to speak but I lost my ability to speak. Something frightening yet deplorable builds inside me just to think about the consequences of my deeds, I hope she won't leave me.

My voice caught up in my throat, I began to shudder, Not knowing from where I should start.

Ester came closer and put her hand over mine and passed me a faint smile. She slowly rubbed my hand to assure me it's nothing to be afraid of but I am far too insecure to tell her about it because Henry said if I told anyone about it; they will leave me and I don't want this to happen. I can afford to lose anything but not her.

"Tell me, Desmond.. Please.. " She whispered. I sniffed and wiped my tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat to gain enough strength to speak further and other than a sob and began to tell her,

"Ester... I am.. A very bad person.. I am sorry that you have a guy like me in your life. Ester... what I didn't want to tell you.. Why I don't want to marry you, why I tried to push us away...It's because Someone died because of me.. My love took someone's life. I never want you to have the same fate as her." I spoke in a low croaked tone, scared to see her reaction. Ester remained silent as I slowly raised my gaze and met hers. She was looking intensely at me. My heart skipped a beat when she didn't say anything. My strength deprived me and gave chills to my bones.

After a tormenting pause she finally said hesitantly, "How.. Did she die?" My heartbeat dropped by each passing second and I could feel my soul giving up on me, making me numb. I inhaled and replied in a hoarse whisper,

"I.. I.. Neglect her love. She.. she... killed herself because of it. It was all my fault.. "

becoming breathless by each word I spoke, I could feel tears brimming in my eyes and those words of Henry he told me each passing second after her death; It's your fault.

He has taken over my senses, my life, everything and there's no escape from this bottomless tunnel of turmoil.

Ester removed her hands from mine and lowered her head, emerging a deep sorrow which pricked my heart like a needle. The way she averted her gaze in disappointment, killed me. In the world I reside in her, if I can't be with her then I will be lost forever. Please don't look away from me.